Press Office

David Topham has got it into his head that we are going to sack you because of Press pressure.

We can clear the press conference and... Excuse me.

We're going to have to do a number of things... Like? ..almost immediately.

It's not media-friendly stuff. You're obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos. Sickos!

He's created a press conference so boring that none of the Press will even touch it.

So now you have to tell all the media in case they missed it.

I announced at a press conference this new Benefit Fraud Inspection Unit,

and, um, at that press conference

because many of the journalists didn't pick up on the announcement.

Good. I have cancelled that press interview

I told you about Waitrose, when I was head of press,

just to get back at some journalist.

and you are the innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.

OK, right. Right, I'm fixing you up with a main man media piece with your ex Angela Heaney but...

and a precis of the press packs,

Art is all about expression isn't it?

Get a press release in the oven, fuck off the lot of you.

but sorting out the press is what you do for a living.

What we've done is we've given the story to a tame journalist,

Because tomorrow you are going to find the press all over you...

and there's like millions of journalists and flash bulbs are going off.

What do you mean? We can get you a nice journalist, yeah?

Yes. We can get you a nice young journalist,

The journalist that you told your story to.

I didn't, I didn't talk to any journalist.

to the press...unnecessarily...

Then it got fucked in the Lords. It was more amendment than Bill, in the end. We're doing a press release?

Oh, that's...very impressive. No, it isn't, it's just what we do.

The whole deal was to put the flat on the market so if the press asked,

What? We're too late. What?! All the papers have got hold of it. What?! The Express has been making offers -

"He was hounded out by the fucking Press!" How about THAT, huh?

a directive from some think-tank thinks press secretaries

You're so fucking repressed... I was just playing squash!

I need to give the impression that I'm not budging, I'm staying exactly where I am,

to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty, pretty positive.

I, I'm not a journalist, I'm just one of Ollie's mates.