Incident Reports

I've got to go. The minister's just walked in.

S1 E1

1:06

Don't interrupt your call because of me. You're a minister of the Crown.

S1 E1

1:09

my cock-up, as usual. I thought that Graham Dixon was doing a briefing, and it turns out it's Graham Hughes.

S1 E1

1:20

God, look, I'm sorry about the fuck-up about the coffee. Oh, God...

S1 E1

1:33

How am I supposed to run a department if I can't get the Prime Minister's enforcer a cup of fucking coffee?

S1 E1

1:36

With all this shit in the paper about whether I'm going or not... Yeah.

S1 E1

1:46

Would you like some coffee? Fuck off! Tea?

S1 E1

3:04

You fuck off, darling.

S1 E1

3:07

Minister... Yeah, get used to "Cliff".

S1 E1

3:25

Look, you don't need to do all this. What about Tom, yeah? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport.

S1 E1

3:45

I know what Transport fucking entails!

HUGH SIGHS DEEPLY

Some very nice fucking things indeed! I had a lump in my throat, and you know why?

S1 E1

4:45

I wonder why(!) Look, you're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm, that's over.

S1 E1

5:09

before you are pushed. We were going to push you because of your deeply-held fucking personal issues!

S1 E1

5:21

Get on the fucking phone!

S1 E1

5:31

He's here now, so don't worry. Morning, Hugh!

S1 E1

6:02

because I had a chat with my very good friend the Prime Minister of Great Britain... Oh, really? Oh?

S1 E1

6:17

The Prime Minister's view is, "Fuck the spending implications, I like it."

S1 E1

6:40

It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard And Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa.

S1 E1

6:46

So the Prime Minister's authorised you to announce it?

S1 E1

6:53

It was a fucking e-mail! It wasn't a text message. She'll write what we want. She's easy.

S1 E1

7:34

The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy.

S1 E1

8:26

Very good, Minister, I'll get to it. Yeah. You're just doing your job. Yeah. (Not very well.)

S1 E1

8:33

Thanks. The driver. ..Technically. Yeah. Will it be my driver? Yes. I don't fucking like him. Why not?

S1 E1

8:43

No. Hugh he likes you, I'm sure.

S1 E1

9:02

'The World At One, this is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news and...' You can fuck off!

S1 E1

9:08

'This afternoon the Social Affairs Secretary, Hugh Abbot...' Evening!

S1 E1

9:14

'First, estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen overnight...'

S1 E1

9:37

What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you?

S1 E1

9:48

I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at the Treasury are paranoid!

S1 E1

10:07

Malcolm... You don't seem to understand that I'm going to have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss

S1 E1

10:20

from all of these neurotics. What did the Prime Minister actually say?

S1 E1

10:26

Well, fuck the TV cameras! Think of something else to say,

S1 E1

10:57

but don't mention the Snooper Force or whatever the fuck you call it!

S1 E1

11:01

Hugh, talk to me. Hugh, what's going on? What's the matter?

S1 E1

11:10

What's the problem? Fuck...

S1 E1

11:18

Hugh, what? Stop saying what. Right. I shouldn't have been sucked in! Is this Tucker jumping on this?

S1 E1

11:21

I think he was right. He's always fucking right.

S1 E1

11:26

Hugh... When Tucker was talking to me, "should" didn't mean "yes".

S1 E1

11:39

Something like, Social Affairs Minister Hugh Abbot

S1 E1

12:03

It isn't fucking appreciated right now.

S1 E1

13:20

The last thing I want to do today is be stuck in a fucking lay-by, begging my ex-girlfriend!

S1 E1

14:56

Yes. You should have said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file that fucking thick of that

S1 E1

15:27

and they said it was fucking disgusting, the state of it.

S1 E1

16:14

That's shit, isn't it?

S1 E1

16:19

You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?

S1 E1

16:42

That's what we've been doing! We've been doing our fucking jobs! Yes, they never print that stuff, do they?

S1 E1

17:27

Well, that was a fucking disaster.

S1 E1

18:43

Fucking well done, mate! You turned it around.

S1 E1

19:12

All those years at the coal-face, hanging in, taking all the shit.

S1 E1

19:31

When you're senior Cabinet minister, then we'll show them. And Snooper Force... What? We'll get rid of that.

S1 E1

19:36

Oh, for fuck sake, yeah! Fiddling while Rome burns. Fucking right!

S1 E1

19:42

Instead of all the shit that we do. Have to do. It's a means to an end!

S1 E1

19:51

Fuck me, Malcolm! How do you do that?

S1 E1

19:55

Prime Minister, obviously he's on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with The World At One.

S1 E1

20:26

Don't should me, Hugh,

S1 E1

21:00

It's should in the sense that you should do as you're fucking told. Yeah. What...

Fuck them.

I have to fucking explain it to you! You haven't been here long enough.

S1 E1

22:44

You cunt! We're fucked! Great(!)

S1 E1

23:48

This is the real world, Terri. We're fucked.

S1 E1

23:52

a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock,

S1 E1

24:45

with your face and name on it, Glenn's, Hugh's, and big arrows showing who spoke to who

S1 E1

25:09

and how you all fucked it up! I think I could write that one myself, Olly.

S1 E1

25:14

or a fucking whiff of a story, so long as she kept her sorry hack bitch face

S1 E1

26:00

Hello? Hugh Abbot here...

S1 E1

26:39

and making snide remarks about how I don't know who Gail Porter is! We did dick her about, Hugh. Yeah.

S1 E1

28:17

You look like shit. I know.

S1 E2

0:04

Look, Hugh do yourself a favour stay over in the flat.

S1 E2

0:29

Ooh, good call. Yeah Hugh, not remembering the dead,

S1 E2

1:20

We're going to get this tosser, Hugh, don't you worry.

S1 E2

2:43

This is a bucket of shit, if someone throws shit at us we throw shit back at them.

S1 E2

3:08

We start a shit fight, we throw so much shit back at them

S1 E2

3:12

that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.

S1 E2

3:15

Litter? Dog shit? Aiming high(!)

S1 E2

4:32

We aimed high and now we're at dog shit. So, what you're...

S1 E2

4:36

Hugh's predecessor, they're as tight as arse-cheeks. Are they now?

S1 E2

4:50

Well, fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK?

S1 E2

4:54

Hughie Abbot, the in-touch guy, you're on the ball,

S1 E2

5:14

You've got absolutely no fucking idea what I'm talking about, do you?

S1 E2

5:23

Hugh, what is a chav? A chav, you must know what a chav...

S1 E2

5:48

This is important stuff, Hugh.

S1 E2

5:54

Right, we do a weekly digest for the Prime Minister,

S1 E2

5:56

then I'll go and tell people that the apples, they're shit, Olly.

S1 E2

7:50

Hugh, if we are going to spend tax payers' money

S1 E2

8:04

into productions of The fucking Cherry Orchard,

S1 E2

8:08

It's a song, Hugh. Yeah, I know.

S1 E2

10:30

It is as my mother would have said, "Double wank and shit shifts."

S1 E2

11:33

But do you think it's got legs, Hugh?

S1 E2

11:36

She's shit. I wouldn't go that far.

S1 E2

12:57

She's a box-ticker Hugh, she can't think outside the box.

S1 E2

12:59

What the fuck are you playing at, Hugh?

S1 E2

13:37

Are you playing at being a Minister,

S1 E2

13:39

or are you actually a real life fucking Minister?

S1 E2

13:41

I'm a real life Minister.

S1 E2

13:44

I've never seen headlines like it. In what way? It's all gone to shite.

S1 E2

13:46

They fucking loathe it. Are you getting all this, Hugh?

S1 E2

13:52

I'm plugged into the matrix, I am the fucking matrix.

S1 E2

14:07

Get a press release in the oven, fuck off the lot of you.

S1 E2

14:27

And Hugh, watch that tape...

S1 E2

14:30

I enjoy domestic violence and sun dried fucking Karaoke.

S1 E2

15:13

it's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster.

S1 E2

15:37

Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat.

S1 E2

15:59

Hello. Hugh, it's Terri. Yeah, hello.

S1 E2

16:05

Yes, snuggle up, bye-bye. Night, Hugh.

How fucked am I?

In terms of negative publicity, on the fuckometer, where am I?

S1 E2

16:49

Right, so I'm 24% fucked according to you

S1 E2

17:03

but according to you I'm 120% fucked.

S1 E2

17:06

I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela Heaney to this afternoon.

S1 E2

17:27

Shit. Yeah, I know but people watch it, this gets six million.

Oh, shit.

She's in The fucking Bill.

S1 E2

19:05

This doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.

S1 E2

19:09

they're fucking actors so they're not technically people at all.

S1 E2

19:30

Your fucking legend is a fucking actress.

S1 E2

19:35

Hire an opinionist, it's only three Liberals, two fucking Mavericks and a racist!

S1 E2

19:46

Why didn't you run it past me for once? Oh, shit, shit!

Fuck, fuck!

Yes... Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. No.

S1 E2

20:27

Hugh, we have to sort this out.

S1 E2

20:33

So "middle England" is a big fucking field with one woman standing in it.

S1 E2

20:57

Of course he fucking will, she's his mole.

S1 E2

21:05

We put out the story the way we want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle, get onto it now.

S1 E2

21:18

It's not my fault. The agency lied to us, Hugh, the agency lied to me, it's not my responsibility...

S1 E2

21:29

What the fuck? You're a broken vase.

S1 E2

22:01

You want me to wear a fucking Hawaiian shirt? I'll see if we can find one(!)

S1 E2

22:35

No, she can't have a car. Don't fucking mother me, OK?

S1 E2

22:40

Mary, you know Hugh, you've met Glenn before... Yeah...

S1 E2

23:10

and you end up all over the place like a crazy woman's shit and that's OUR problem.

S1 E2

24:17

That film Notting Hill, have you seen that? She's probably fucking in it.

S1 E2

24:39

That's going to be you, darling, they'll be all over you like fucking cockroaches.

S1 E2

24:49

so I hope your knickers are clean because every sniffing shit-bag

S1 E2

25:05

cos now it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it?

S1 E2

25:12

And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find

S1 E2

25:15

I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign

S1 E2

25:38

but whatever it was it was bullshit.

S1 E2

25:41

No I... You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt.

S1 E2

25:59

He's a fat guy with a tiny little dick, you fucking spoke to him.

S1 E2

26:02

You didn't speak to him. She didn't fucking speak to him.

S1 E2

26:10

Fuck's sake. What's the matter with him? Olly...

S1 E2

26:24

Jesus. For fuck's sake!

S1 E2

26:36

She didn't even know. Fuck 'em.

S1 E2

26:39

Of course it's going to fucking go ahead,

S1 E2

26:57

I mean I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide!

S1 E2

26:59

You're fucking on your own!

S1 E2

27:06

I know you're asleep by now from Hugh, love to the kids,

S1 E2

28:41

How many did Doug's piece of shit get at report? God, at least 200.

S1 E3

0:26

Then it got fucked in the Lords. It was more amendment than Bill, in the end. We're doing a press release?

S1 E3

0:31

"Hugh Abbot, today announced...

S1 E3

0:41

"I'm the fuckin' daddy!"

S1 E3

0:43

Dan fucking Miller! Yeah.

S1 E3

0:51

Dan Miller is a junior minister and he's not done at all badly. Just a bit green. Now... You turning...

S1 E3

1:10

..a bit green yourself there, minister? What're you saying? What you saying? You saying I'm jealous?

S1 E3

1:16

I know where it's fucking been.

S1 E3

2:49

Bit of supper with the Prime Minister, just the two of us.

S1 E3

3:19

you give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash.

S1 E3

4:01

to a fuckin' risotto and scallops, you know?

S1 E3

4:09

Fucking hell, this... No, it's not funny. Political breakthrough night!

S1 E3

5:21

Fuck, yes! Wish me luck. I'm going without the tie.

S1 E3

5:31

Obviously life and death(!) Infected ear, huge crisis,

S1 E3

5:43

hold the front-page Shuttle disaster(!) I had to drive 20 miles

S1 E3

5:47

(a huge, fuck-off, grace-and-favour pad. Why haven't I got one?)

S1 E3

6:16

Good evening, Minister. Oh! Thank you! If you'd like to step this way.

S1 E3

6:39

Ah'm gonna take you DOWN, mu'fucker! Where are you from?

S1 E3

6:50

I'm from Lincolnshire - the windmills, the potatoes, the shit.

S1 E3

6:52

I think the Minister's ducking. He's actually ducked!

S1 E3

7:21

I TOLD him that fucking flat w...

S1 E3

9:08

Fuck! She's just gone to The Mail. I'm onto it!

S1 E3

9:20

Where the fuck is he?! The goldfish bowl. Fuck!

S1 E3

10:10

I am very sorry... Can I just borrow the minister for a moment? Sure.

S1 E3

10:28

..know what the fuck is going on?!

S1 E3

10:48

..FUCKED...! Do let me know if you need anything.

S1 E3

11:02

"Fuck off, he's selling it. Go away." Then Hugh's got a place in town.

S1 E3

11:39

Why the fuck is your girlfriend hitting us with this? She's not my girlfriend, Malcolm.

S1 E3

11:43

which masks many negative feelings about this fuckin' department. MOBILE RINGS

S1 E3

12:07

Hugh. Hmm? Did you mention me by name? Um...

S1 E3

12:40

Thank you very much! Thanks a fucking bunch!

S1 E3

12:51

"Minister In Disgusting Defecation Outburst"! Mollie Sugden at No. 10 - did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?

S1 E3

14:46

They should just clone ministers so we're born at 55 with no past.

S1 E3

14:52

like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyberprick!

S1 E3

15:09

Steely-jawed, far-away look in your eyes. Before they sit in the pub going, "That fucker's got to go,"

S1 E3

15:26

"He was hounded out by the fucking Press!" How about THAT, huh?

S1 E3

15:41

(It's probably gonna be... It's gonna be Hugh that has to go this time.)

S1 E3

15:48

Tom's finishing up with the Prime Minister now. I'm gonna join them.

S1 E3

16:07

Any fucker can sit behind a pot-plant,

S1 E3

17:30

and I'll put the letter on Hugh's desk. I can very easily say the same!

S1 E3

18:05

I'M not doing that. Why the fuck not? Hugh's my friend, I'M not doing it.

by his fucking wig.

Well, fuck off!

Thank you! You're a fucking star. That's OK.

S1 E3

18:43

Sam... Yeah, of course. ..Hugh, Hugh.

S1 E3

18:45

Yes? Prime Minister. Could you...?

S1 E3

18:48

Oh! Hello. Is everything all right, Minister? Mmm.

S1 E3

19:08

What? 'Put me on the speakerphone.' It's the minister. Oh. '..Inquiry.'

S1 E3

20:03

Hugh. Oh! ..Malcolm's just joined us.

S1 E3

20:48

Right, Hugh, um...the good news.

S1 E3

20:52

OK, fuck off, you've a department to run.

S1 E3

21:02

I want you, Terri and Ollie over here right now. Not Hugh.

S1 E3

21:28

Do not bring Hugh to Downing Street.

S1 E3

21:32

Hugh, I've seen Monkton's report. It's not good. OK.

S1 E3

21:40

Ah, Hugh. Yup. Bye. Yup.

S1 E3

22:38

Hugh. I mean, with the other two, it's just another day, eh? I know.

S1 E3

22:49

Department of fucking shocking, shitty, charlatan SHIT! That's...

S1 E3

23:16

Oh, Dan! Hi, Hugh. Is Ollie about? No, he's with Tucker. They all are.

S1 E3

23:37

just talking about how fucked I am.

S1 E3

23:56

I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.

S1 E3

24:33

The line is we don't throw a good man to the wolves over one little fuck-up.

S1 E3

24:36

So Hugh's staying? Yeah.

S1 E3

24:41

Tell the wolves to fuck off. Not exactly.

S1 E3

24:43

We've been through this! Apparently, I'm Ronald fucking McDonald(!)

S1 E3

25:14

Grow up! Don't give me that pile of fucking bollocks!

S1 E3

25:36

Just because you're a civil servant, don't think your shit doesn't smell!

S1 E3

25:40

You're so fucking repressed... I was just playing squash!

S1 E3

25:57

Well DON'T, Hugh! No, I've been thinking. It'll be VERY good.

S1 E3

26:10

And I'll be shot of this fucking department. Takes four days to get a memo through! "Social Affairs."

S1 E3

26:25

What the fuck does it actually MEAN?

S1 E3

26:31

It's so vague. "Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for...

S1 E3

26:33

Minister, hello. Just going to see Mr Tucker. Oh, I'm sorry. Mr Tucker has someone there.

S1 E3

26:56

Yeah. Little shit, anyway, Dan Miller.

S1 E3

28:24

See you. Goodnight. Goodnight, Hugh.

S1 E3

28:37

Where the fuck's Terri! Oh, Terri? Did you not know? Malcolm's...

S2 E1

0:48

My milkman knows. Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you.

S2 E1

1:06

I'm sorry. I was just shitting you. It was just an early-morning joke.

S2 E1

1:36

Can we send out a revised biography and not that photograph of me with the fucking moustache?

S2 E1

2:29

We beg to fucking differ. Where do you think you're going? Number 10.

S2 E1

2:40

Where's Neil? Leicester, poor fucker.

S2 E1

3:00

N-O-M-F-P. Not my fucking problem. I like that. Do you?

S2 E1

3:10

I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it.

S2 E1

3:18

And how's the minister? He's shitting himself.

S2 E1

3:36

"Just fucking waiting."

S2 E1

3:46

For fuck's sake. But everybody knows the lines, yeah?

S2 E1

3:47

I'll punch you in your substantial gut! Fucking hell, Robyn!

S2 E1

4:37

You little fucker. I got it, look.

S2 E1

4:40

Hugh, can we do the prep for the factory visit now?

S2 E1

4:56

Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin if that's possible.

S2 E1

5:15

hat the fuck are YOU doing HERE?

S2 E1

5:19

Good fucking man! Good to meet you.

S2 E1

5:58

He's the guy that fucked the opposition for us.

S2 E1

6:08

Would you just nod when the big fucker talks,

S2 E1

6:13

but look, I've got brains coming out of my fucking arse.

S2 E1

6:36

Yep. Listen, don't touch the keyboard. Bob'll go fucking nuts.

S2 E1

7:52

What, they've been after you for stuff about me? Your fucking whips?

S2 E1

9:59

How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and what fucking flavour is it?!

S2 E1

10:12

It's like this furnace of shit.

S2 E1

10:28

Well, here we are, Hugh.

S2 E1

10:54

Hello. Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you.

S2 E1

11:08

The minister would love to know.

S2 E1

12:19

Can you please shut up for one fucking minute?!

S2 E1

12:59

Now, Hugh. I'm going to have to hang up.

S2 E1

13:06

Yeah. Well, how did you get... No, you fucking don't!

S2 E1

13:33

The wrong fucking answer!

S2 E1

13:40

and fucking maim every single fucking one of them, OK?

S2 E1

13:49

He's one of these fucking Popsbridge types.

S2 E1

13:56

It's Hugh... What is it?!

S2 E1

14:04

but I could easily just pop in and talk to... I could fucking kick the shit out of Mark Davies. Yeah.

S2 E1

14:21

A bit of fucking yin and yang.

S2 E1

14:31

What the fuck do you think?

S2 E1

14:43

Fucking Tweenies tour-dates(!) The MoD IT overspend.

S2 E1

14:45

This is brilliant. I love these pipes. Er, Hugh.

S2 E1

15:52

Geoff Holhurst is up to his neck in shit over his son's IT firm

S2 E1

16:18

and everyone's been talking about the Hugh thing. Yes.

S2 E1

18:10

called "Minister looks a tit."

For fuck's sake!

Try to fuck up the numbers, right? Hit the phones. Everyone on the phones.

S2 E1

20:35

E-mail them fucking words of information.

S2 E1

20:45

or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret!

S2 E1

20:52

Fucking hell! I know, he's gone AWOL.

S2 E1

21:14

Oh, for fuck's sake. Where is she now? Is she looking for him?

S2 E1

21:16

Where's he gone? Fuck! Ron!

S2 E1

21:23

Somebody start bumping up that Hugh Abbot story, right?

S2 E1

21:27

Eh, eh? Do you think you're fucking immune? Get plugging!

S2 E1

21:35

Can you handle that, fuckwit?

S2 E1

21:38

Can you fucking handle it? Yes, I can handle it.

S2 E1

21:40

Your fucking girlfriend! Are you off your head?! You said...

S2 E1

21:49

Don't give me any fucking static,

S2 E1

21:52

"They're from a different fucking species."

S2 E1

22:16

and why are they so fucking fat? And stupid.

S2 E1

22:25

Ollie, it's Glenn. I've got Hugh for you.

S2 E1

22:29

Bernadette. Where's the fucking fax from the Standard?

Not exactly, Hugh.

I'm on it, Hugh.

Ollie. We need you to fuck Hugh for us.

S2 E1

23:49

They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to the top of the bill

S2 E1

23:59

Go, for fuck's sake, you big fucking prick!

S2 E1

24:11

I'll cut your fucking ears off! We need it done.

S2 E1

24:15

HUGH ON NEWS: '..In tragic cases... She's not dead! She's not dead!'

S2 E1

24:21

right down in your schedules and bring the Hugh Abbot story right up.

S2 E1

24:35

This story, this Hugh Abbot... What the fuck is ROMFuP?

S2 E1

24:48

and his advisor, pretty much telling a member of the public to fuck off.

S2 E1

25:15

Just bear with me. ..For fuck's sake!

S2 E1

25:24

You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon locked in that fucking newsroom. No, I'm fine.

S2 E1

25:34

'All right, shitebag. Done it yet?' I'm just in the middle of doing it.

S2 E1

25:50

Well fucking hurry up!

S2 E1

25:54

Get off the fucking phone!

Fuck's sake!

I'm fucking doing it.

S2 E1

26:02

Fuck off. Give me the picture, it's already been done.

S2 E1

26:23

No, I never knew my mother, Hugh, as you remember.

S2 E1

26:37

Oh! Oh! He is SO fucked!

S2 E1

27:28

I don't know if I'll survive this, Hugh.

S2 E1

28:03

Not much of a fucking soldier, is he?

S2 E1

28:39

'Ollie, hi. It's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very much.

S2 E1

28:44

It's up to the PM. I'll go wherever he wants. Bye-bye. Morning. Morning, Minister.

S2 E2

0:04

I would like to know, why did we have a minister on last night who did not appear to know the lines?

S2 E2

1:45

He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about.

S2 E2

1:57

He doesn't know what he was fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right?

S2 E2

2:01

For all your respective ministers.

S2 E2

2:10

Hugh, after Cabinet, you are going to...

S2 E2

3:37

Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off.

S2 E2

4:45

I'll come the fuck in, then. It's just something that Nicholson's flown.

S2 E2

4:47

All right then, see you then. Hugh. I thought you would want to know as soon as possible. What?

S2 E2

4:58

Mind you, that means you could have his department. You are kidding. Well, fuck you very much.

S2 E2

5:32

As the minister said to the prince, "Don't be surprised if we abolish you."

S2 E2

6:09

Are you all right? I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself.

S2 E2

6:20

The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, you don't know?

S2 E2

6:32

You just didn't click. We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro!

S2 E2

6:47

How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. Don't take it so personally.

S2 E2

6:51

Thank you. Can I have the fucking digest, please?

S2 E2

7:47

Hello. Hello. Um... Morning, Minister.

S2 E2

7:59

Ollie, realistically, I'm not going to get promotion, not while this Prime Minister's still in power?

S2 E2

8:36

..went, you know. What does that mean? Fuck knows what it means,

S2 E2

8:50

but I don't think it means, "Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic.

S2 E2

8:54

in bed tonight with Mrs PM, she'll say, "What do you mean Hugh Abbott as Home Secretary?

S2 E2

9:00

Hello, how are you? 'I'm not great actually, Hugh...'

S2 E2

9:15

I know about the lack of click. Was there anything else? 'Hugh, my dad is dying.'

S2 E2

9:35

Fucking arse clap. Robyn...

S2 E2

10:15

That's right. I don't want to alarm Hugh... God, this gets worse! Listen to me, Robyn.

S2 E2

10:36

the same time, about 8.20 and you fuck off out of and go and sit in a park or something, OK?

S2 E2

10:46

Not tell Hugh? Yes. It's only temporary.

S2 E2

10:51

Fuck off. Yes, I've got the producer's names, so

S2 E2

11:06

I think we should tell the Minister. Listen, Robyn, I really like you, but fuck off!

S2 E2

11:39

by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. I've got to go. I'll talk to you later, OK, bye.

S2 E2

12:04

I also see him on a Sunday when I see his family and I make the fucking waffles.

S2 E2

12:57

Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table and see who's got the biggest fucking remit?

S2 E2

13:34

Whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office and... Julius, it's a fucking pantry, look.

S2 E2

14:02

I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up, when get your big break and you're on fucking

S2 E2

14:31

Hey, come back in here! Julius, get the fuck back in here!

S2 E2

14:39

Go over to your fucking pantry, right. This is a perfectly usable office space.

S2 E2

14:55

Cool it for one minute, OK? Cool it and just fucking...

S2 E2

15:00

Cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me.

S2 E2

15:03

This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here?

S2 E2

15:05

Put your hand there, try to open it. It's a pantry. It's my fucking pantry. Open the fucking door.

S2 E2

15:18

Yeah. Don't say bit of skirt, Hugh, makes you sound like Sid James. Minister, good morning.

S2 E2

15:31

Morning, morning, morning. What's the story in Bala-fucking-mory?

S2 E2

16:27

that's good news for Number Ten, good news for the Treasury and good news for Hugh Abbott.

S2 E2

18:34

He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I'll tell you that.

S2 E2

19:17

Hugh, I apologise, entirely my fault. Er, Robyn give me a printout and let me have a look at it.

S2 E2

19:39

So Question Time up the swanee... Yeah. What the fuck d'you have to do to get on TV?

S2 E2

19:44

Terri. Hi, how's it going? 'He's gone Hugh.' Oh, dear.

S2 E2

19:52

I just wanted to take the opportunity of saying I really am sorry that it got awkward with Hugh.

S2 E2

20:35

I don't like lying to the minister, I really don't.

No. Oh, fuck!

When this Prime Minister and Imelda fucking Marcos have gone,

S2 E2

22:45

You know, if you put Hugh in a room full of people, he just, he just clicks.

S2 E2

23:17

Oh, Hugh, grow up. You did nothing.

S2 E2

24:38

from the fucking press that every morning at 8.30 I'm being fisted up to the gall bladder by a bald man?

S2 E2

24:49

Hugh, who is your top mate in the Commentariat?

S2 E2

26:00

Call him up. Hi Colin. Yes, it's Hugh Abbott speaking, how are you?

S2 E2

26:07

Yeah, you got a decent backhand yet, have you? Hugh, Hugh Abbott, we played tennis together.

S2 E2

26:11

Now I've got to phone the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

Fucking brilliant!

Morning, morning, morning. So what's the story in Bala-fucking-mory?

S2 E2

27:44

and click her right through the fucking head. Yeah. PHONE RINGS

S2 E2

28:05

If you don't know whether or not you were promoted or relegated, guess what? You were fucking relegated.

S2 E2

28:15

I've got no fucking idea what that means either, but it spells SAC.

S2 E2

28:38

I'm the Minister for fucking Social Affairs.

S2 E3

0:05

Hugh Abbott. Problems?

S2 E3

0:08

Hugh, we're not gonna be here long.

S2 E3

1:38

Hugh, Robyn's just given me the date for your appearance before the Education Select Committee -

S2 E3

1:41

Oh, great(!) Oh, that is great. Yes, welcome home, Hugh.

S2 E3

1:47

It's like sitting on a tea crate having chicken shit sprayed over me.

S2 E3

2:06

Poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place -

S2 E3

3:15

four ministers in one building.

S2 E3

3:18

Problem is though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush.

S2 E3

3:55

It's been like someone driving down Whitehall shouting, "Bring out your shit!"

S2 E3

4:04

Just what I fucking need - five new ways to lose my job.

S2 E3

4:27

So, citizenshit - what we need to do is knock together some nice,

S2 E3

4:48

You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.

S2 E3

5:12

Why? What...? Glenn's boy, Peter, he went to a special needs school. Oh.

S2 E3

5:15

There's more to life than having Nick Robinson's mobile number on your fucking Blackberry.

S2 E3

5:30

All right, fine, sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so...

S2 E3

5:35

Look at the size of that - you could fucking crucify somebody on that.

S2 E3

6:12

but no-one's trying to fuck over special needs kids.

S2 E3

7:07

Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill,

S2 E3

7:48

that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...

S2 E3

8:15

The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. The minister won't be a moment.

S2 E3

9:00

Hugh, Glenn says could you head over? Yes, I must go.

S2 E3

10:29

I haven't! I'm taking a fucking stand on this one, I'm buggered if I'm gonna let you down.

S2 E3

11:17

Hugh, the Guardian website has broken the e-mail thing.

S2 E3

11:39

I'm a shape shifter. Look, get this fucking sorted out.

S2 E3

11:58

Hugh, I don't want to be the story.

S2 E3

12:07

Just fucking pull yourself together and act your age, we've had enough of your puerile influence.

S2 E3

12:26

Actually, Hugh, I think I might have an idea about...

S2 E3

12:31

(I saw you, Hugh, I saw you do it.)

S2 E3

13:00

I'll tell you what Derrida said, he said, "Go fuck your face, Abbot!"

S2 E3

13:58

Can't even get out of the fucking room!

S2 E3

14:05

You've made quite a U-turn on SEN schools, haven't you, Minister?

S2 E3

14:13

"Not two experts? Less than three but not two?" Fucking bitch.

S2 E3

15:52

It worked. I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.

S2 E3

15:59

Oh, shit, that's Malcolm.

S2 E3

16:01

He's gone. Look, Hugh, come out.

S2 E3

16:06

Were you hiding just now, Hugh? No.

S2 E3

16:50

You will say, "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after 12 pints,

S2 E3

17:20

"Can we just draw a line under this and fucking move on? Thank you."

S2 E3

17:30

"It was actually the Minister for Social Affairs and Citizenship who called a small child a cunt.

S2 E3

18:33

because what you'd be doing is condemning a guy who's doing his fucking best to make things better,

S2 E3

18:47

Yeah, but if she doesn't know, then it doesn't matter, Hugh.

S2 E3

19:30

Shit! She's on to us, why else would she...? Have you got the diaries?

S2 E3

19:42

Hugh, go and get Ollie and Glenn in here.

S2 E3

19:59

Hugh, take your fingers out your fucking ears.

S2 E3

20:35

YOU grow up. I am a fucking grown up, thank you.

S2 E3

21:00

you massive, gay SHITE!

Fuck off!

Yeah. That is not fucking funny, you retard.

S2 E3

21:28

'Good afternoon.' Christ, there's that fucking sofa.

S2 E3

21:40

Whoa, whoa, whoa - she's gone off script here. Fucking hell, Terri...

S2 E3

22:19

the Minister, my colleagues,

S2 E3

22:37

Yeah, brilliant, Malcolm, well done. Fucking stunning.

S2 E3

22:50

Absolutely. I'm never going to get out of this fucking building, am I?

S2 E3

22:59

D'you remember when I came down to see Peter's concert at his school?

S2 E3

23:03

Yeah? Yeah. Fucking unbearable, that's why I needed Malcolm's expert to try and wipe it from my mind.

S2 E3

23:12

Hasn't really worked though. Oh, Hugh, mate, don't panic, you'll manage,

S2 E3

23:19

his name is Peter and he has special educational needs.

S2 E3

26:10

But I had the privilege of going down with Glenn to Peter's SEN school

S2 E3

26:19

and watched Peter playing the trombone in the school orchestra.

S2 E3

26:25

D'you know, I wish I'd kept Peter's trombone because if I had,

S2 E3

27:21

I didn't do it Hugh, d'you remember? You sent the e-mail.

S2 E3

28:03

Hugh, go to the gents, please,

S2 E3

28:12

by squirting human shit through the sprinklers.

S2 E3

28:25

Hugh, check it out - Malcolm Tucker is leaving the building.

S2 E3

28:30

Oh, right, yeah. Oh, I just wanted to say, well done, you slippery fuck.

S2 E3

28:35

What? Fucking joking, you twat.

S2 E3

28:47

He's making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister.

S3 E1

0:09

Remtard Remington. I mean, the guy is an epic fuck-up.

S3 E1

0:11

I've got a to-do list here that's longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song.

S3 E1

0:20

Well, that's Hugh gone, then.

S3 E1

0:55

So sad, isn't it? Hugh.

S3 E1

0:58

You don't give a shit.

S3 E1

1:01

Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head.

S3 E1

1:36

Get me Nicola Murray. Yeah.

S3 E1

2:16

with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.

S3 E1

2:21

for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray.

S3 E1

2:27

Thank you. Hello. I'm Nicola. Lovely to meet you.

S3 E1

2:33

These are just Hugh's, previous incumbent's...

S3 E1

2:42

James, be fair. I left seven fucking messages for you.

Fucking arsehole.

Yes, the play-pits. The big cardboard boxes full of bits of old junior minister.

S3 E1

4:03

Apart from Hugh's guys who are just, kind of, so fucking patronising and cold.

S3 E1

5:43

I don't know what the fuck to say to him.

S3 E1

5:56

OK. Fuck, right. So Malcolm Tucker, Malcolm Tucker, Malcolm Tucker. Malcolm.

S3 E1

6:39

Nicola Murray. Here you are, Secretary of State

S3 E1

7:26

Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Embarrassing.

S3 E1

7:41

If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is.

S3 E1

7:44

They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.

S3 E1

8:15

Just a fucking normal chair. Right?

S3 E1

8:24

Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.

S3 E1

8:26

Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright fresh new ministers to blood-in and to plan a by-election.

S3 E1

8:29

give me the time to fuck the Is and fist the Ts, as Robert Robinson might say.

S3 E1

9:44

If it's not an issue, I'll fucking toddle off.

S3 E1

10:42

because I know that there is no fucking issue here, right?

S3 E1

10:50

Jesus H fucking Corbett!

S3 E1

10:59

Do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that?

For fuck's sake.

It just doesn't. Of course it fucking does!

S3 E1

11:33

You're a fucking human dartboard.

S3 E1

11:49

And Eric fucking Bristow is on the oche, flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you.

S3 E1

11:51

Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they did.

S3 E1

12:17

This here is fucking series 10 of The Big Breakfast. And do you know what you are?

S3 E1

12:21

You're the fucking dinnerlady that they have asked to come and present the show.

S3 E1

12:27

your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage and your dress - which, by the way, is WAY too loud.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I don't want to go to fucking Dover or France.

S3 E1

14:21

That's a super message to send out. It shows you've got principles... For fuck's sake, Ollie.

S3 E1

14:28

Fuck. This is going to split our vote.

S3 E1

15:45

This isn't Tsarist Russia or the fucking Dimblebys!

S3 E1

15:57

What do we do? Send everyone to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.

S3 E1

16:00

The dead fucker. God rest him. Yeah, I did a bit, back home.

S3 E1

16:30

Sad? Lying on your back getting fed nutrients through a tube? It's my idea of a fucking holiday.

S3 E1

16:37

Can I go? Of course, you can fucking go.

Never fucking easy.

Have you been asleep in a box full of straw like a Blue Peter tortoise?

S3 E1

18:36

Nicola would like to see you.

S3 E1

19:15

Malcolm, Nicola will be there in a minute.

..Nicola Murray.

Don't you think? Are you going to resign, Minister?

S3 E1

21:38

Little bit edgy. Can you please make sure Nicola's right in the middle?

S3 E1

21:50

Not there, it fucking doesn't.

S3 E1

22:10

It's not even funny. Why do people fucking do that on YouTube?

S3 E1

22:59

You're expecting me to choose between fucking up my daughter's life or my husband's life?

S3 E1

24:03

Yeah. So I just have to choose between them like they're on some fucking cosmic dessert trolley?

S3 E1

24:08

If the press run with both stories, you're fucking dead.

S3 E1

24:17

this massive fucking out of proportion Israeli-style response.

S3 E1

24:35

You don't realise, I'm your fucking fairy godfather, right? God help me.

S3 E1

24:39

I'm your fairy fucking godfather, but I haven't got a magic wand that I can wave about.

S3 E1

24:43

I've got a fucking Blackberry and a chiff. You've got a decision to make. Talk to you later.

S3 E1

24:47

And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake.

S3 E1

25:20

That's fucking small fry.

S3 E1

25:29

But this lift, I mean, it's fuckng huge.

S3 E1

26:01

That's fucking great.

S3 E1

26:12

That's another fucking thing right there.

S3 E1

26:13

Not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school

S3 E1

26:15

in a fuckng sedan chair, you're also fucking mental. Jesus Christ, see you,

S3 E1

26:20

you are a fucking omni-shambles, that's what you are.

S3 E1

26:24

You're like that coffee machine, you know, "From bean to cup, you fuck up."

S3 E1

26:27

Nicola. I did want to tell you that I did try to get a message through to Ollie.

S3 E1

26:38

Oh, shit. Yes, Malcolm, you know I have. I decided the minute you told me I had to decide.

S3 E1

27:30

You make a big noise to impress Nicola,

S3 E1

28:30

Then we'll all get some fucking peace around here.

S3 E1

28:48

Who's going to break the news to Nicola?

S3 E2

0:33

Sacked after 12 months, it looks like you've fucked up.

S3 E2

1:00

Sacked after a week, it looks like he's fucked up. I'm not doing terribly, am I?

S3 E2

1:03

Fucking idiot. I'd just like people to get to know the real me.

S3 E2

1:27

because at the moment I think I've wandered in to a cryptic crossword compiled by Rumpel-fucking-stiltskin.

S3 E2

3:25

Oh, fuck! Oh! Fuck! This is a fucking disaster.

S3 E2

3:42

and poking out our eyeballs with our own fucking teeth.

S3 E2

4:14

Would you all please just fuck out of my office for a long time. Very good.

S3 E2

5:15

If this has got any bigger, you are going to feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax.

S3 E2

6:10

I hope you like shitting toenails, because that is what you're going to be doing all of next week.

S3 E2

6:18

I've painted them yellow so they look like fucking sweetcorn.

S3 E2

6:23

The guy is a fucking liability.

S3 E2

6:27

What are you? A fucking penguin? Just run.

S3 E2

6:37

Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete.

S3 E2

6:39

You're fucking kidding me.

S3 E2

6:52

I'm fucking OK for bollocks, mate.

S3 E2

7:02

D'you know what's really fucking sad here

S3 E2

9:41

Which is for the best, because I'm going to need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your...

S3 E2

9:51

fucking flayed skin as a sleeping bag to a fucking normal person.

S3 E2

10:02

Come on, I'm fucking all ears. I'm fucking Andrew Marr here. So, Terri, let's hear...

S3 E2

10:23

I'm up for it. Right, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.

S3 E2

10:30

Yes, wise words from the distinguished, elderly, gay fucking tennis coach here.

S3 E2

10:46

Yeah, the fucking wee ball-boy's having a go now, with his wee fucking tight shorts on.

S3 E2

10:56

Oh, fart. I don't fucking Guardian, I don't know.

S3 E2

11:10

Shitting on the department? Will that work?

S3 E2

11:20

Complete top of the head stuff. No, no. I think this is about showing the real Nicola.

S3 E2

12:21

How are you finding her? Nicola?

S3 E2

13:12

Hello! Hello, Nicola Murray.

S3 E2

13:23

Hello, Nicola Murray. Ooh, this is all very formal, isn't it?

S3 E2

13:26

I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress.

S3 E2

14:33

Thank you very much. ..way of writing a fucking awful story.

S3 E2

14:43

fucking laughing their heads off about the Apprentice or whatever.

S3 E2

15:10

So Nicola, we talked about immigration. What's going to happen

S3 E2

15:41

The department's shit, they're fucking shit.

S3 E2

15:52

She's working her fucking lady bollocks off trying to get things done in there.

S3 E2

15:55

Fuck's sake. Well, a week is a short time in politics.

S3 E2

16:02

Fantastic. That's great. What's a trademark Nicola Murray policy?

S3 E2

16:11

Shit. Shit. Hey! French Lieutenant's woman, we're over here. Come on.

S3 E2

18:36

For fuck's sake. Have we not both got BlackBerries to check?

Fuck's sake!

fucking adjective to add to fucking smug and glum, haven't we?

S3 E2

19:55

Fucking retarded! Jesus!

S3 E2

19:59

It's a fucking newspaper office.

S3 E2

20:05

It's not a fucking sanatorium for the fucking deaf, is it? Are you so dense?

S3 E2

20:07

Better tell this little person about the Prime Minister's catastrophic erectile dysfunction.

S3 E2

20:28

Fucking Ollie? He's a fucking knitted scarf, that twat. He's a balaclava.

S3 E2

20:36

Not just Terri, I'm not going to name names, but there's Robyn. Robyn's shit.

All right. Fuck off.

Nicola. Fuck. What've I done?

S3 E2

21:22

Don't you worry, because I can still steer some fucking flaming wreckage in your direction.

S3 E2

21:31

Darling, I wouldn't fucking piss on you if you were allergic to piss.

S3 E2

21:39

Fuck right off. Go on.

S3 E2

21:46

We'll live through this, won't we? Nicola, I've got the list whenever you're ready. I'm ready now.

S3 E2

21:47

Oh, fuck! From now on, none of us let her out of our sight.

S3 E2

22:06

She's not to be trusted. Sorry, Minister. Terri?

S3 E2

22:08

absolutely fine to leave your minister alone with a hostile journalist

S3 E2

22:14

I imagine I'm going to have to be doing it over and over again until you go on the fucking course.

S3 E2

22:32

Top of the list is Kelly Peters. No.

S3 E2

22:44

Why not? She's a very nice girl, Kelly Peters. She's very kind.

S3 E2

22:46

Shit. Malcolm. Hello.

Really? Fuck shoes!

Shit. OK, we're off.

E-fucking-nuff.

You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right?

S3 E2

24:25

Today, you have laid your first big, fat egg of solid fuck.

S3 E2

24:28

There would be no fucking Beatles, that's what.

S3 E2

24:51

I don't give a fuck about that. I've had to sit next to Paul McCartney at fucking Chequers.

S3 E2

24:53

You said if he sacked me after a week it looks like he's fucked up.

S3 E2

25:09

But that was before, when your only problem was a shit pun in a newspaper

Hi, Nicola.

Nicola, you all right?

S3 E2

27:46

Well, I did do something. Nicola Murray, looking glum and frowny, was overheard...

S3 E2

28:17

Right now, Ollie, Nicola hates us.

S3 E2

28:37

Stick a carrot up his fucking arse,

S3 E3

0:07

That's not funny. Good evening, minister.

S3 E3

1:37

Nicola Murray. Hi. How was your holiday?

S3 E3

1:41

You're in Eastbourne now which is the jewel of our shit seaside resorts.

S3 E3

2:01

Show some respect for fuck's sake, her husband's just died.

S3 E3

2:15

John, are you across this thing about Peter Manyon... Yeah.

S3 E3

2:34

Peter Manyon, my opposite number. Yes.

S3 E3

2:41

Oh, for fuck's sake. Jesus.

S3 E3

2:54

actually, you know what, fuck it, let's sound blunt, it is your job.

S3 E3

3:04

He's not going to do it. Fucking useless. He's not going to do it.

S3 E3

3:13

Terri, hi it's me. Have you read up about this Peter Manyon

S3 E3

4:00

sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb...

S3 E3

5:26

I don't know who's taken them, Roy fucking Orbison!

S3 E3

6:18

fucking loser with nothing better to do with my time than sit

S3 E3

6:29

reading inconsequential unspell-checked shit

S3 E3

6:36

fabricated by other fat fucking losers.

S3 E3

6:40

Sam, the health stats fuck up is out there

S3 E3

7:01

and I don't know who's doing it, but I want his balls on a fucking plate.

S3 E3

7:03

Nicola, this is Julie.

S3 E3

7:09

Yeah, look, I'm sorry, chief, but there's no way that I can spin these health stats, they're fucked.

S3 E3

8:23

No... I'm gonna try and stick his balls in his fucking trouser press.

S3 E3

8:44

She is the People's Champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Julie Price.

S3 E3

8:52

Just... Oh, fucking higher. All right.

S3 E3

9:23

Yes, it might clash with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause.

S3 E3

9:43

the speech. Boo fucking hoo.

S3 E3

9:54

with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers.

S3 E3

10:09

Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed who fucking hate us, by the way.

S3 E3

10:13

That is the prime minister? That is the prime minister.

S3 E3

10:32

haven't fucking got those yet...

S3 E3

10:42

What do you mean? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake.

S3 E3

11:02

Babysitting...? Malcolm! Fuck Malcolm.

S3 E3

11:15

Fuck Malcolm! Fuck Malcolm!

S3 E3

11:19

Fuck Malcolm! Well, um, that was my initial reaction as well.

Deep breath, Nicola.

Yes, I know. Thank you, thank you. Fuck off! Thank you.

S3 E3

11:27

Do you want your rescue remedy? No. Fuck off.

S3 E3

11:35

Get me some ketamine, I want to separate my mind from my body. Fuck.

S3 E3

11:38

Jesus Christ! Poor Nicola.

S3 E3

11:42

Hey, get a grip, Glen. I didn't fucking come in your mouth.

S3 E3

12:20

Am I being threatened by Harold fucking Bishop?

S3 E3

12:44

fucking power ranger now.

S3 E3

12:48

Do you here me? I fucking found her.

S3 E3

12:58

She was on the fucking news! Get him out.

S3 E3

13:00

This is not a fucking discussion. All right, nobody argue, OK?

S3 E3

13:05

Oh, fuck off. Fuck...

S3 E3

13:11

the fucking face instead.

S3 E3

13:21

What the fuck are you talking about?

S3 E3

13:31

Mmm hmm. Listen to me Richard Stilder you fucking jazzy bastard...

S3 E3

13:59

to his fucking... Where is he?

S3 E3

14:02

There is a hot tap, Nicola.

S3 E3

14:49

I'm so fucked. I've got an hour and a half.

S3 E3

15:19

With all due respect, Nicola, there's a human aspect to all this.

S3 E3

15:21

do about it and I've got to write the fucking speech.

S3 E3

15:29

Yes. What, are you going to hit me? I don't fucking hit women.

S3 E3

15:46

Except Glen, obviously. Just you fucking leave Glen out of this.

S3 E3

15:50

sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment.

S3 E3

16:00

Now, you've lost Geordie Julie, the merry fucking widow,

S3 E3

16:30

Oh, Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys toilet.

S3 E3

16:41

OK, how about he's called Peter two-holidays Manyon? Glen?

S3 E3

16:51

Who the fuck is leaking this out there?

S3 E3

17:18

Don't be so fucking touchy about it. There's a lot to fucking deal with.

S3 E3

17:38

It doesn't fucking matter.

S3 E3

17:44

Fuck off. I'm making a phone call.

S3 E3

17:53

Phone a fucking friend.

S3 E3

17:57

Hello. Terri, it's Nicola again.

S3 E3

17:59

shit spraying machine and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here.

S3 E3

18:29

She's got a fucking dog with her.

S3 E3

19:02

Get a fucking move on. Where are you?

S3 E3

19:17

And you should be, so fuck off.

S3 E3

19:26

at a few receptions this evening including the Rod Hughes do for Tom.

like a fucking coma.

That has to be a bad sign. I didn't hit fucking Glen.

S3 E3

19:52

Look at the size of him. I wouldn't fucking hit him, he's a fucking man mountain.

S3 E3

20:07

Government department... to govern... Fuck, how can I learn this when you're still writing?

S3 E3

20:14

Pull yourself together, Nicola.

S3 E3

20:32

Fucking am Josh. Nicola Murray can do this, come on.

S3 E3

20:34

all the Nicola Murrays in the room.

S3 E3

20:40

to see you shite. Come with me.

S3 E3

20:45

Like there'd been a Scottish James Bond. Shut the fuck up.

S3 E3

20:55

Fuck. Fuck me. I... I didn't leak anything, I swear to God.

S3 E3

21:11

I'm just going to fucking kill you. Why?

S3 E3

21:18

I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you.

S3 E3

21:34

OK, I'll just explain what I'm going to fucking do to you.

S3 E3

21:39

fucking rip them off, fucking paint eyeballs on them

S3 E3

21:42

and I'm going to stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as our mouthpiece.

S3 E3

21:46

I've got to get out. All right. Look, I want out, Nicola.

S3 E3

22:50

This is no good for fucking pacing.

S3 E3

23:01

Malcolm, Nicola. Julie tweets.

S3 E3

23:04

Christ on a cross trainer, Nicola, Julie's the fucking leak.

S3 E3

23:10

On the other hand I am fucking starving.

S3 E3

23:33

Keep the door and your arse cheeks fucking tightly closed, right.

S3 E3

24:19

Oh, fucking hell, Malcolm.

S3 E3

24:35

You fucking sound like you are. No, no, no. I've seen Spooks.

S3 E3

25:05

You have treated me like a bag of shit all day.

S3 E3

25:09

I should've known not to trust yous lot when yous fucked over the Metric Martyrs.

S3 E3

25:16

he'd be fucking appalled by the way yous lot are carrying on.

S3 E3

25:25

We go out there, we say our goodbyes and we'll get Glen to go and do the fucking desert burial, OK?

S3 E3

25:53

Put her on a train back to shit town or wherever the fuck she came from.

S3 E3

26:09

Fuck's sake. Fruit by the pound.

S3 E3

26:40

Watch and fucking learn, OK.

S3 E3

26:43

about the fucking finer points of fruit and fucking veg merchandising.

S3 E3

26:51

You're watching Nicola's speech with me and Angela?

S3 E3

27:25

There's this Julie Price woman, turns out she's a little bit fucking unstable, you know,

S3 E3

27:51

Love those fucking windmills.

S3 E3

28:08

Morning! Morning, Peter.

Fuck-a-doodle-do!

just give me one sec. Hello, Nicola Murray.

S3 E4

2:57

Things are a bit shitty at home and the daughter's gone all Raging Bull.

S3 E4

3:01

in the fucking comp. Headed for what

S3 E4

3:12

Oh, I don't give two shits of a lamb's tail. Eileen will have to postpone her fuckin' throat surgery.

S3 E4

3:20

I want her steam-cleaned and on the Daily Politics, smiling and nodding at Andrew Neil's sneery fucking

S3 E4

3:25

haemorrhoid face and tell him to lay off the fucking fish suppers and poppers.

S3 E4

3:32

and if he doesn't, then he will find himself sleeping in the spare room of his fucking sister's house!

S3 E4

3:49

Nicola Murray is distracted with the daughter.

S3 E4

4:21

Ollie told Emma that there's a shit storm brewing about minister's daughter.

S3 E4

4:48

She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection! She's 12! Ah.

S3 E4

4:52

Shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that gets much worse.

S3 E4

4:58

Nicola Murray's daughter, actually that's not her, that's Tracy Beaker.

S3 E4

5:08

Nicola, it's Martin Stone, your daughter's headmaster.

S3 E4

5:50

Thank you! For fuck's sake, Terri!

S3 E4

5:58

It's the chavs and chav-nots. Right, Pinky and fucking Perky, listen.

S3 E4

6:05

This fourth sector? Fucking mad!

S3 E4

6:09

She's mad, she's like Tom Cruise's favourite fucking brush, but the great thing is

S3 E4

6:11

it's free, so you two, I want you to rub your dicks together and get some fucking energy going in here!

S3 E4

6:15

Nicola, the taxpayer is not bankrolling you

S3 E4

6:33

to do this sort of thing. And if I want to get things done I could get fucking

S3 E4

6:35

big gingerbread man there to pop out and get me a fucking gun.

S3 E4

6:39

Stuart. Aah, Peter. I'm glad we could hook up.

S3 E4

6:55

Phil, help me out here. Look, what are these vectors, Posh and Shit?

S3 E4

7:32

Oh, Jesus, Stuart, that doesn't even fucking rhyme!

S3 E4

8:14

Look, suppose we are saying that Nicola Murray should have stuck to her guns and sent her daughter here,

S3 E4

8:21

So let's imagine in the narrative that Peter here may know something

S3 E4

8:54

Ollie said she's utter shit.

S3 E4

9:16

No, I just ring people up and say "Do you think this is shite?"

S3 E4

10:52

I've actually been making some Peter Mannion face masks.

S3 E4

10:59

It's the Nicola Murray daughter thing, you know the switching from private to state.

S3 E4

11:28

stupid fucking lightsaver collection and shove it slowly through his eye sockets, right?

S3 E4

11:39

It's the same fucking thing. That's what they say to make it sound better.

S3 E4

12:48

'It's the same old shit!'

S3 E4

12:53

Yeah, well, I made my daughter come to this fucking school,

S3 E4

13:06

away from all her friends, and she's turned into a total fucking droog!

S3 E4

13:11

Any news from Nicola? No! Nothing.

S3 E4

13:51

Oh, that's Terri...that will be Terri Coverley. The shit one? Yeah, she's a shit one.

S3 E4

14:37

government minister who bangs on about...

S3 E4

15:12

ha-ha-ha, she's a completely shit mum and...

S3 E4

15:22

Now hang on, there's a complete fucking penis in my building who I need to have a word with.

S3 E4

15:45

I could draw you a diagram if you like. It's like a fucking swine 'flu pandemic!

S3 E4

16:12

It's your fault! ..fucking use if for political... No, no!

S3 E4

16:17

You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS!

S3 E4

16:20

I'm like the man who did what? Who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS?

S3 E4

16:23

and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!

S3 E4

16:29

The Nicola thing I think is getting a bit worse.

S3 E4

16:42

OK, Shitehead Revisited,

S3 E4

16:57

Did you know Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled for fucking bullying!

S3 E4

16:59

that you would have to be reassembled by fucking air-crash investigators.

S3 E4

17:24

What... Do not fucking interrupt me son, ever.

S3 E4

17:28

you mincing fucking CUNT and I will tear your fucking skin off,

S3 E4

17:37

while whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right?

S3 E4

17:46

get out of my fucking sight!

S3 E4

17:51

Where are you going? I'm going through a thing with Malcolm about Nicola's daughter.

S3 E4

18:37

Oh, shit. I'm straight to DVD, I'm the night shift! Malcolm's gonna kill me!

S3 E4

18:47

Peter! Speaking of rabies injections, here he is!

S3 E4

18:53

We've met before, when you were at Defra as a junior minister.

S3 E4

20:19

How's Nicola coping, some trouble with her daughter, bullying or something?

S3 E4

20:52

Well, she may not know the story, Peter, but just about everybody else does

S3 E4

21:15

No way. 'Peter, listen.'

S3 E4

21:29

How about you getting back here so we can have a little de-brief? Fuck that, Stuart!

Peter, hello!

Can I see Nicola? Well, that's a bit of a protocol-ly thing, so...

S3 E4

21:50

What the fuck is he doing here? Have you locked the building so he can't get out?

S3 E4

22:00

come in, sit down, Peter. How do you know about that?

S3 E4

22:16

Sock of shit! Sorry, it's what we call DoSAC over there in the enemy camp...

S3 E4

22:37

sock of shit, no disrespect!

Shit!

Could you keep your fucking opinions to yourself, please!

S3 E4

23:36

Sorry, Nicola, just got to take this. Ollie Reader.

S3 E4

23:44

Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here.

S3 E4

24:00

Text reads, "I know about your fucking meeting with that aging flamenco guitarist.

S3 E4

24:03

Shit. He wants you at Number 10, ASAFP. Come on, let's go!

S3 E4

24:12

It's called politics, Peter. We're trying to do it from your office.

S3 E4

24:26

I've told Nicola Murray I'm not capitalising on that story.

S3 E4

24:32

If you have to wade through all this shit to win the election then I'm happy to lose it, all right?

S3 E4

24:44

Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?

S3 E4

24:50

You should see it now! It's like a fucking butcher's slab and just as graphic!

S3 E4

25:06

But? I'm sensing there is a "but", probably be the size of a fucking house.

S3 E4

25:22

"head teacher bends the rules and gives preferential treatment to Cabinet minister."

S3 E4

25:28

Yeah, I'm afraid it's "fuck off, Mr Chips!".

S3 E4

25:40

If you resign now, you'll be up there with the fucking shaggers and the expenses fiddlers

S3 E4

25:45

your Ella, she would be publicly, and very, very fucking horribly, humiliated.

It's a fucking war.

That's what this is all about for you, isn't it? It's just about fighting and fucking...power!

S3 E4

26:40

which is making people despise politics and, by the way, don't ever fucking call me Nicky!

S3 E4

26:52

Spare me a fucking psycho-fanny, right?

S3 E4

26:57

What do you think fucking Mannion is doing right now?

S3 E4

27:00

Michael Aspel's cooler fucking younger brother?

S3 E4

27:02

They're telling very fucking nasty jokes about your family!

S3 E4

27:10

They're playing fucking pin the cock on the fucking donkey's face

S3 E4

27:13

with your face there cos you're the fucking donkey, right!

S3 E4

27:18

So you should just fucking count your blessings!

S3 E4

27:21

Yeah! Yes! I really wanted Ella to be able to stay at a shit school, the only redeeming feature of which

S3 E4

27:29

That was Nicola Murray. She says from now on,

S3 E4

28:21

Do you remember that, Peter, when the pregnant mistress story broke?

S3 E4

28:45

You and Mrs Mannion standing on your doorstep, her never gonna touch little Peter again?

S3 E4

28:48

Relationship crisis. He has to go and cook Emma a meal.

S3 E5

0:44

I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?

S3 E5

1:01

Right, yeah, I remember, yeah. Peter, how are you? That was great at the Oval, wasn't it?

S3 E5

1:12

No swearing? Oh, we can all thank our fucky stars for that!

Nicola. Thank you.

I didn't realise you had to cook lamb shanks for a fucking fortnight.

S3 E5

2:16

So, hello, then, Peter.

S3 E5

2:51

Hello, Nicola. Can I help you?

S3 E5

2:53

Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.

S3 E5

2:59

No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is.

S3 E5

3:16

Not going to get fucking... a present bomb in the face.

S3 E5

3:39

Ah, it's from the Prime Minister.

S3 E5

3:50

This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, eh?

S3 E5

3:52

your boss talking shit instead?

S3 E5

4:36

OK, how about, "I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?" Is that OK?

S3 E5

5:01

Hi, Stewart. Look, a little note for Peter, yeah?

S3 E5

5:21

Stewart, Peter's not going to want to do that.

S3 E5

6:00

so it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...

S3 E5

6:35

And from the Shadow Cabinet, the Right Honourable Peter Mannion MP.

S3 E5

6:48

That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings?

S3 E5

7:13

Let's leave that there. Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!

S3 E5

7:54

I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin.

S3 E5

7:58

and cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get.

S3 E5

8:06

in the past year. Peter Mannion?

S3 E5

8:26

Oh, fuck this! Right, OK, you do that.

S3 E5

9:02

I will go for a shit with the lovely Polly Toynbee. Stewart, hi.

S3 E5

9:05

Emma, poppet. Look, Peter is going almost violently off-message

S3 E5

9:08

Nicola, fourth. ..certain people as fourth-sector pathfinders.

S3 E5

9:55

Peter Mannion, the animosity between you...

S3 E5

10:22

Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision.

S3 E5

10:28

What? Because what I'm hearing here on the radio is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked.

S3 E5

10:36

Just...fuck, put Ollie on.

S3 E5

10:44

Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there and get down to 5 Live right now.

S3 E5

10:48

like a Nazi float at the fucking Notting Hill carnival.

S3 E5

11:00

Can you both fucking get out the studio now?!

S3 E5

11:18

You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out!

S3 E5

11:20

- Oh, hello, nice dinner? - Fuck off, Bagpuss.

S3 E5

12:07

because he wanted me to sat-nav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into.

S3 E5

13:20

I've done a list of the fat cats and bonuses. I wonder if you'd like to run this in to Nicola.

S3 E5

14:28

What the fuck are YOU doing here?

S3 E5

14:44

I cooked a lovely meal... Ordered, and it wasn't lovely. What the fuck's going on?

S3 E5

14:57

Do you see what I did there? Fuck off, man!

S3 E5

15:09

I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion,

S3 E5

15:23

I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in Government for what

S3 E5

15:32

Oh, dear. Come on, Nicola, pull your finger out.

S3 E5

15:43

No, bullshit. She didn't do it tonight.

S3 E5

17:39

A new desktop picture here. Put the fucking phone down.

Oh, fuck!

See if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes.

S3 E5

18:51

You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before me, is that it?

S3 E5

18:57

Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.

S3 E5

19:07

- You should listen. - Bullshit.

S3 E5

19:15

You can't even fucking look at me.

S3 E5

19:19

Where the fuck are Terry and June going?!

S3 E5

19:51

Cooking with gas. I'm fucking DS Metcalfe!

S3 E5

19:55

I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract!

S3 E5

19:59

OK, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off. Where am I meant to go?

S3 E5

20:54

Pretend you've got to go and have a shit. Or something. You're going to be a lot better off without him.

S3 E5

20:58

Fuck this. This is like that nightmare I had about being on Loose Women.

S3 E5

21:07

Emma, I didn't send you here to chat about your sex life. You're here to back-block Peter's narrative.

S3 E5

21:52

Well, I own him. Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating...

S3 E5

22:19

Don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a joke.

S3 E5

22:30

Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely unannounced?

S3 E5

22:33

You prep him with this shit, yeah?

S3 E5

22:52

to him was go in there and bomb. Well, it fucking worked!

S3 E5

22:54

tonight he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits.

S3 E5

23:02

Look at the hair! You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni.

S3 E5

23:10

I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproof.

S3 E5

23:19

This is what Tim's text says. Nicola is a hypocrite.

Bullshit!

Right, look, see this here? You do it and I will press this fucking button.

S3 E5

24:17

Don't fucking threaten me. Richard, Tim in Ruislip.

S3 E5

24:21

..and he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the Government.

S3 E5

24:27

That's your fucking career over, right, OK? You're fucking dead.

S3 E5

24:37

are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. Tim...in...Ruislip.

S3 E5

24:42

Tim in fucking Ruislip!

S3 E5

24:46

And as for Tim in fucking...

S3 E5

24:49

Yeah, OK, can you stop fucking saying that, please?!

S3 E5

24:51

He's fucking dead as well, that fucking texting coward.

S3 E5

24:54

Give me his number. What's his fucking number?

S3 E5

24:57

- Give me the fucking number... - Click off the screen now.

S3 E5

24:58

If you don't give me his fucking number, I'm going to have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip

S3 E5

25:01

with a name like fucking Tim!

S3 E5

25:11

He doesn't actually work here. Vamoose! You lot, fucking vamoose! Johnny fucking Depp, get in here.

S3 E5

25:32

I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode. Get in.

S3 E5

25:37

talks about fucking dodgy donors, OK, because it makes everybody look bad.

S3 E5

25:47

The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids a little bit too much. Fucking broke the skin!

S3 E5

26:14

All they need's a good slap but do please remember to leave your fucking rings on.

S3 E5

26:23

He's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! Oh, you want to talk about hard men, Malcolm.

S3 E5

26:29

At the back of my fucking filing cabinet, I've got a fucking photograph that

S3 E5

26:41

I've been waiting for a fucking rainy day to show everyone, a photo of your fucking Shadow Chancellor

S3 E5

26:44

at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders and fucking black face!

S3 E5

26:49

What's his defence going to be, eh, when I email that to the fucking Sun?

S3 E5

26:54

Hang your own guy out to fucking dry?

S3 E5

27:36

What, Peter Mannion MP,

S3 E5

27:39

Carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible.

S3 E5

27:54

Well, you could fucking use it.

S3 E5

28:21

Don't you fucking start.

S3 E5

28:34

Er, excuse me, is this a car for Nicola Murray?

S3 E5

28:38

into fucking ear plugs.

Nicola, just relax.

Fucking hell!

The Prime Minister fully endorses my fourth sector initiative.

S3 E6

4:04

and I believe the current prime minister is absolutely the best PERSON

S3 E6

4:41

I am here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies, through Olly.

S3 E6

7:00

I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview.

S3 E6

7:24

Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later because

S3 E6

7:30

fucking verbal cosh. Right?

S3 E6

7:34

And there it is. Didn't fuck...didn't fucking send.

S3 E6

7:38

Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. Which is?

S3 E6

7:57

Yeah. Well, so what, it's the BBC, it's not fucking Spare Rib, is it?

S3 E6

8:26

"that the current prime minister is absolutely the best man for the job."

S3 E6

8:53

Terri, get on to the BBC, fucking nuke them, nuke them and rebuke them. Yeah. Got it.

S3 E6

9:04

The situation is fucking febrile.

S3 E6

9:28

You don't fucking know what febrile means. No. You don't.

S3 E6

9:31

It means there are going to be hysterical journalists watching every fucking move we make.

S3 E6

9:34

See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy.

S3 E6

9:44

It's a fucking lockdown...right now.

S3 E6

9:57

We are in a prison drama. This is The fucking Shawshank Redemption

S3 E6

10:03

but with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.

S3 E6

10:06

What, check? Oh. Fuck you.

S3 E6

11:01

You know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, in so far as you're shit at both of them.

S3 E6

11:03

What? Fuck, it's George Alagiah. Is he here for me?

S3 E6

11:17

Nicola Murray will, today, use a policy speech to announce her candidancy.

S3 E6

11:28

That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.

S3 E6

11:53

Come on, Nicola, you've got to admit, from the outside it's pretty funny.

S3 E6

12:03

The prime minister goes away and you're dressed up as one of the ThunderCats.

S3 E6

12:07

"Nicola Murray is staging a leadership bid. Who is Nicola Murray?

S3 E6

12:19

Did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?

S3 E6

12:41

What are you saying? Just... Joan Rivers wants to be the new prime minister.

S3 E6

12:47

You treacherous shit. It's not my fault you're dressed up like a dead geisha.

S3 E6

12:54

Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, OK, so we can gather our thoughts.

S3 E6

13:13

just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen.

S3 E6

13:33

And get myself a sandwich. I'm fucking starving.

S3 E6

13:36

What did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time, stand up.

S3 E6

13:38

I'm telling you to stand up, you sack of fucking cum.

Stand the fuck up.

Fucking move. Right.

See that. Fucking play with that. Right?

S3 E6

13:53

Never mind your fucking toys. Play with that.

S3 E6

13:56

Go and stand in that fucking corner.

S3 E6

13:58

with a fucking rusty spade, I'll have your kidneys for fucking cufflinks.

S3 E6

14:08

You are about to tell us some good fucking news. What the fuck is it?

S3 E6

14:15

And the second bit is that the Mail is backing Nicola's leadership bid

S3 E6

14:25

He'll probably come at me with a fucking Stanley knife.

S3 E6

14:36

He is specifically very, very fucking angry at you, Nicola.

S3 E6

15:23

Just... Just fucking...

S3 E6

15:36

Terri, get the minister's car. Downstairs. Right now.

S3 E6

15:39

Why? Never mind fucking why.

S3 E6

15:42

Nicola, I want you to go down there and I want you to pretend

Oh, fuck.

Tom is the man to lead the country through this difficult crisis. Right?

S3 E6

15:58

Then you get in your car and you just fucking drive about,

S3 E6

16:03

Nicola Murray is fucking coming. OK?

S3 E6

16:09

Get me a fucking Curly Wurly. Right?

S3 E6

16:12

Look at that gait. That's fucking class. Nicola Murray is back.

S3 E6

16:22

Does the prime minister have your full support?

S3 E6

16:38

I'm backing... I'm backing the prime minister.

S3 E6

16:51

The prime minister is absolutely the right man for the moment. Thank you.

Shit.

Yes. The prime minister, as I said, is the right man for the moment.

S3 E6

17:14

That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm.

S3 E6

17:30

Shouldn't that be of fuck's sake.

S3 E6

17:33

"The prime minister is the right man FOR the moment."

S3 E6

17:38

I told you to say OF the fucking moment.

S3 E6

17:42

"Nicola, I would like to go FOR a lovely walk with you,"

S3 E6

17:47

and, "Nicola, I would like to make a hat out OF your fucking entrails."

S3 E6

17:50

right now, that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him. OK.

S3 E6

18:00

Nicola, I know we're not allowed to take any calls

S3 E6

18:20

Sorry, Nicola. Just a quick cup of coffee. How was your husband?

S3 E6

18:42

He thinks this is fucking great.

S3 E6

18:50

"Hello, everybody. This is my wife, the prime minister."

S3 E6

18:54

"Hello, JB. Have you met my wife, the prime minister?

S3 E6

18:58

Nicola, I'm going to take off my media hat.

S3 E6

19:13

Who? Glenn and fucking Ollie. Where are they?

S3 E6

20:10

That's one of my fucking lines.

S3 E6

20:24

There's no fucking way that she can do it.

It's too fucking...

which is me being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act.

S3 E6

21:03

I'm sorry, Nicola, but...

S3 E6

21:16

How fucking dare you?

S3 E6

22:42

It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets,

S3 E6

22:49

Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets

S3 E6

22:54

that contain my living, breathing fucking brain.

S3 E6

22:56

They've been fucking stomped on.

S3 E6

23:07

Ben, fucking...Nicola.

And fucking you.

Don't you apologise. Don't you fucking apologise.

S3 E6

23:23

I mean, fucking compared to No 10, this place is fucking tranquil.

S3 E6

23:28

Over there, 300 yards down the road, it's like a fucking cancer ward.

S3 E6

23:33

There are people who are fucking screaming at each other.

fucking disease."

"You gave me this fucking disease."

S3 E6

23:42

Hacks, hacks, fucking vampire hacks.

S3 E6

23:47

they're fucking slaughtering us and they want my face for a flannel.

S3 E6

23:52

And you know what, I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri.

S3 E6

23:56

I used to be a fucking pharaoh.

S3 E6

23:58

Now I'm fucking floundering in a Nile of shit.

S3 E6

24:02

But I am going to fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah.

S3 E6

24:07

All right. OK, Nicola.

S3 E6

24:42

Nicola, no. Nicola, no!

S3 E6

25:32

And here is Nicola Murray to tell you...to tell you more.

Nicola Murray.

Nicola, I've got to tell you that was one of the best

S3 E6

27:47

I've seen fucking Stomp.

S3 E6

27:51

It was a consummate piece of fucking incompetence.

What a fucking day.

Please mop up your shit and fuck off.

S3 E6

28:24

There you are. The BB Fucking C. Yeah.

S3 E6

28:30

That's why they had a fucking programme called Sorry.

S3 E6

28:36

Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh.

S3 E6

28:47

Turn the fucking phones back on.

S3 E6

28:58

The tennis player. No, the fucking pianist.

S3 E7

0:30

Nicola Murray nets Andy Murray.

S3 E7

0:33

Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image.

S3 E7

0:55

She could demonstrate how to do the hop, shit and jump.

S3 E7

0:58

What's FFS? Oh, for fuck...

S3 E7

1:28

It looks like something out of fucking Doctor Who.

S3 E7

1:36

I fucking love ghee, it's fucking freebase and butter.

S3 E7

1:46

See, if this is recorded spam, I'm going to hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.

S3 E7

1:55

Right, OK, I'm in Thailand in a sex bar. About to get an fucking facial.

S3 E7

2:04

Nicola Murray, slightly panicky

S3 E7

2:14

Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi had a

S3 E7

2:17

hand shandy, what ever, just fuck off out of my life, OK?

S3 E7

2:23

The man from Hell Monte, he say, "Fucking aye."

S3 E7

2:27

I just think you should have one, big square meal before you end up fucking

S3 E7

2:49

Sorry! Fuck you, get out of my house, get out of my house.

S3 E7

3:12

No wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper.

S3 E7

3:15

Bollocky bollocks. It's the Ghost of Christmas Shit.

Hello, Nicola!

We'll make a minister of you yet.

S3 E7

4:48

I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch.

S3 E7

5:24

Sorry I can't do espressos but I've made this so thick and black it will be like fucking drinking plimsolls.

S3 E7

6:06

Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this, it would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasise

S3 E7

6:30

the fact that I'm at the heart of government because it's fucking true.

S3 E7

6:37

What's next, Malcolm, Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars.

S3 E7

6:56

Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr fucking Prick Robinson.

S3 E7

7:02

Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone. What?

S3 E7

7:06

Hang on. Really pisses me off, the fucking phones in this whole...

S3 E7

7:22

Andy, hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes, what a delight to talk to you.

S3 E7

7:27

Really, because Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on a ghost train.

S3 E7

8:00

Give me second while I look up my file of things I really don't give a fuck about.

S3 E7

8:04

Newcastle, Nicola Murray, yes. She's still there.

S3 E7

8:13

So fucking can Andy Murray and get on with the fucking crime stats.

S3 E7

8:20

But he's an fucking tennis player. We're not asking Shane MacGowan, why?

S3 E7

8:47

Fuck me. What's the hell's this? It appears to be a trolley full of crime stats.

S3 E7

9:24

add you to the fucking figures.

Ah...Nicola Murray!

"Other theft", what the fuck is "other theft"? If you want to stay late or

S3 E7

10:09

By the Prime Minister.

S3 E7

10:23

Well, fuck a Pot Noodle. Sam, prepare my horse.

S3 E7

11:03

Hello, Terri. Morning, Nicola. Who am I, Terri?

S3 E7

11:12

You're Nicola. Nicola Murray?

S3 E7

11:15

policy on his fucking website?

S3 E7

11:21

Nicola, in other really bad news, good morning, by the way.

S3 E7

11:31

Great, thank you Steve "fucking Nicola" Fleming.

S3 E7

12:10

Yes, he is an fucking...

S3 E7

12:13

you're the fucking loutish prick.

S3 E7

12:58

wouldn't fucking go, would you?

S3 E7

13:12

All right, go on then. Fuck all.

S3 E7

13:32

Oh, do they, fuck all? People have no fucking opinion about you.

S3 E7

13:34

You're like fucking Special K or fucking the Moody Blues.

S3 E7

13:38

Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC

S3 E7

14:02

pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs.

Shit!

Shit! That's DoSAC for you.

S3 E7

14:19

fucking hairdresser. Got any photos?

S3 E7

14:36

He's Spinney fucking Hendrix.

S3 E7

14:48

Nicola, you and your department have screwed up.

S3 E7

14:51

I'd like to agree with the previous speaker only adding the words "fucking royally."

S3 E7

14:53

Do not fucking call me sweetheart.

S3 E7

15:44

You fucking will not draft any fucking statement. I've been minding the shop.

S3 E7

15:53

You were fucking minding the shop and what happened?

S3 E7

15:57

A bunch of fucking school kids came in and fucking dropped

S3 E7

15:59

their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle five.

S3 E7

16:01

Don't tell him that. Fucking...

S3 E7

16:30

Stop digging. Shut the fuck up.

S3 E7

16:53

Goodbye, give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People.

S3 E7

17:09

< Nicola, excuse me, it's Andy Murray,

S3 E7

17:13

Fucking talk to him. No. You cannot be serious!

S3 E7

17:21

very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion.

S3 E7

17:32

If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else?

S3 E7

17:36

Steve Redgrave. He's a boring fuck.

S3 E7

17:39

Lewis Hamilton. Fucking boring.

S3 E7

17:42

Boring fuck and fucking drives a car.

S3 E7

17:43

Fucking cyclist, are you fucking mental? Everybody hates cyclists.

S3 E7

17:46

And she's a boring fuck as well.

S3 E7

17:55

"Hello there, hi, everyone, I, Nicola Murray would like to say to you

S3 E7

18:02

Are you saying to me that my wee caravan is a complete fucking waste of time?

S3 E7

18:57

And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions?

S3 E7

19:01

Listen, if you're not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off.

S3 E7

19:07

Steve, could you eat or fuck whatever is at the door on your fucking way out, please?

S3 E7

19:10

Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one

I said fuck off!

Elderly aide. It makes me sound like a fucking stair lift.

S3 E7

21:31

It'll be like the fucking War Of The Roses or Aids, remember Aids?

S3 E7

21:59

Listen, Nicola, did Julius mention to you about his inquiry?

S3 E7

22:02

Yeah. The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? Yeah.

S3 E7

22:06

good press attention for your fucking healthy choices nonsense.

S3 E7

22:26

How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines.

S3 E7

22:30

You can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind?

S3 E7

22:35

You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart,

S3 E7

22:43

and not just plain Lazarus, I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right?

S3 E7

22:46

Yes, I'll tell Nicola to expect your call healthy choices sometime this afternoon. ..Well done, Malcolm.

S3 E7

22:49

not fucking Rangers' supporters.

S3 E7

23:08

audience with Peter fucking Bowles.

S3 E7

23:18

That's really fucking scary. I'm walking on, we're moving on.

S3 E7

23:35

I saw... I thought Nicola was choking. She wasn't, she was laughing

S3 E7

23:57

What is it? What's your problem? Have you fucking coughed up your own twin?

S3 E7

24:22

No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. Fuck off.

S3 E7

24:36

Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously.

Fuck off!

Your five minutes starts now. Fuck off.

S3 E7

24:54

Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to shit off for five minutes? Yes, it would it.

S3 E7

25:00

Julius... Can you fuck off as well! Excuse me. Julius, what's the deal?

Shit.

Minister has to say about that?

S3 E7

25:21

Listen to me a minute, the Prime Minister...

S3 E7

25:25

You, fucking Nicola, tell them, fucking tell them there was no fucking phone call.

S3 E7

25:33

Speak, I fucking ask you, speak!

S3 E7

25:38

I'm not here, Malcolm. You are fucking here.

S3 E7

25:44

Open your fucking mouth for once and say something. I'm not getting involved.

S3 E7

25:47

You fucking speak, you've always something to say.

S3 E7

25:51

I'm only a Cabinet Minister. Fuck off then! Don't fucking touch me.

S3 E7

25:54

Come on, Malcolm. You cannot fuck me, I am unfuckable.

S3 E7

25:57

I have never been fucked. And if you fucking try and fuck me,

S3 E7

26:03

you'll find my fucking arse will grow fucking fangs.

S3 E7

26:06

And fucking snap your cock off. Will you listen to me?

S3 E7

26:09

You don't have the fucking balls apart from that fucking inflated

S3 E7

26:45

fucking boil on the fucking end of your fucking neck...

S3 E7

26:48

Looks pretty factual to me. Fuck this. Fuck this.

S3 E7

27:01

I'm not fucking finished.

S3 E7

27:37

Don't worry. Leave her fucking alone.

S3 E7

27:44

Nicola, hi! He's gone. I know. Would you like a glass of wine?

S3 E7

27:57

cos that's where you fucking belong.

S3 E7

28:19

You shafted me, boy. I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm.

S3 E7

28:36

You will fucking see me again.

S3 E7

28:50

You, fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say.

S3 E8

0:18

I'm only a cabinet minister! Fuck off then.

S3 E8

0:22

You will fucking see me again!

S3 E8

0:29

Show's over, OK? Fucking bacteria.

S3 E8

0:42

A really shit era though, isn't it? Whooooo!

S3 E8

1:05

I'd rather fuck a real dragon.

S3 E8

2:34

How does that... How does that even work? Fuck, no, I don't care.

S3 E8

2:42

Would you please fucking well...!

S3 E8

3:38

Great. Actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky? Yeah. Nicola.

S3 E8

3:53

Fuck off! Go and put your glasses back on.

S3 E8

5:08

It's a bullshit description but, you know, it paints a picture.

S3 E8

5:41

talking to other people who, like you, have been through the shits.

S3 E8

5:49

Nicola, there's someone called Hannah on line three, she's from the Centre of Economic...

S3 E8

7:03

Because I heard from very good sources that the opposition will be getting the Fucker in.

S3 E8

7:31

They're definitely getting the Fucker in. I haven't heard that.

S3 E8

7:37

The Fucker, he coming. He coming to your town.

S3 E8

7:40

You do know why they call him the Fucker, don't you, Terri?

S3 E8

7:42

Is it because he's a bit of a fucker?

S3 E8

7:47

It's not going to be easy for Peter Mannion.

S3 E8

7:50

to be heard over a force 10 fucking from the Fucker. Piers, hello.

S3 E8

7:59

I fuck lobsters for money.

S3 E8

8:12

It's going to be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know?

S3 E8

8:44

in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other.

S3 E8

8:49

The last man standing wins a fucking Ford Focus.

S3 E8

8:52

between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled,

S3 E8

9:03

As my nephew would say, this shit just got real. Your nephew?

S3 E8

9:11

Are you out of your tiny shiny fucking mind?

S3 E8

9:34

Come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?

You schizo hat-fuck.

There's a rumour that you're getting the Fucker in. Are you lot getting the Fucker in?

S3 E8

11:09

Look, if you are, just say the word "Fucker." Uh...

S3 E8

11:13

And I need your help, my little...Fuckbob Shitpants.

S3 E8

11:22

Anyway, what's the story, fuckanory? What's been happening?

S3 E8

11:47

The only bit of turbulence is this job Nicola's thinking of taking.

S3 E8

11:53

The guy is... I fucking despise the guy.

S3 E8

12:35

I despise him as much as fucking James May presumably despises himself.

S3 E8

12:37

I'm glad he's getting a fucking death sentence in Nicholas' report.

S3 E8

12:42

Oh, fuck! Yes. Malcolm. Yes.

S3 E8

13:14

and I held out and now he's going to want revenge, isn't he? Fuck!

S3 E8

13:21

Kill Bill or Get Carter, only it's going to be Get And Kill Nicola

S3 E8

13:26

And Then Get Carter And Bill To Fucking Kill Her Too. How did you hear about it?

S3 E8

13:29

Fuck! He's in the building? Shit! Where?

S3 E8

13:36

He's in the old liaison office. But he's in an odd way, Nicola.

S3 E8

13:38

No. Right. Fuck it. I'm not going to hide.

S3 E8

14:25

Hey, Nicola! How are you doing?

S3 E8

14:32

I thought your motto was "Who Fucks, Wins"

S3 E8

14:45

or "Honi Soit Qui Malky Fuck."

S3 E8

14:48

I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.

S3 E8

14:51

If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga.

S3 E8

15:01

until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking People's Friend.

S3 E8

15:11

Off the record, matey, am I fucked?

S3 E8

16:01

I think I'm on sparkling form. For fuck's sake. You fucking...

S3 E8

16:23

Bright and breezy or shite and wheezy? Morning, Malcolm.

S3 E8

16:48

You don't have to. I can make the tea. Hey, Nicola!

S3 E8

17:03

What I really like about it is it's fucking short.

S3 E8

18:34

Certainly worth it. I mean, he comes over as a 28-carat shite.

S3 E8

18:44

and your World's Shittest Dad mug.

S3 E8

19:16

We were on the same side, Malcolm, and you fucked me over!

S3 E8

19:18

Don't you ever take up fucking poker, because you're a crap liar.

S3 E8

19:43

Funky town centre, here you come! Choo fucking choo. Is this what you're threatening me with?

S3 E8

19:54

Fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train?

S3 E8

20:00

I'm not fucking worried, mate!

S3 E8

20:18

Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him!

S3 E8

20:21

A complete disaster. There'll be nothing else on television for weeks.

S3 E8

20:30

Derek! Get the fuck down to ITN right now and start briefing the shit out of them. Where's Sarah?

S3 E8

20:44

I want Sarah to do the cars. I want her to pimp the ministerial rides. Come on!

S3 E8

20:48

Fire up the mid-range saloons. Nicola Murray, just the girl!

S3 E8

20:53

In 20 minutes' time, the Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

Shitting Henry!

Exactly, exactly, exactly, Nicola! See that, that fucking gibbering?

S3 E8

21:16

That's what everyone is doing now, the fucking cabal, the fucking opposition, fucking us!

S3 E8

21:20

Stay. No, look. Please don't ring...! Don't fucking ring her.

S3 E8

21:42

It's time to tell the Yanks to fuck off. Come on.

S3 E8

21:50

It's fucking huge, isn't it?

S3 E8

22:08

Hello, yes, sorry, I'd just like to put you on to our mutual acquaintance, Nicola Murray.

S3 E8

22:20

There's nobody there. Yeah, I spoke to her already. You fucker!

S3 E8

22:30

They're always looking for cleaners there. You fucker, Malcolm!

S3 E8

22:38

Stuart! Stuart? The Fucker's downstairs. No, no, no.

S3 E8

22:58

He is, and he is complete poison. Ah, The Fucker!

S3 E8

23:06

No, because... I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked.

S3 E8

23:37

Shall I escort Stuart from the building? Don't be such a fucking turncoat.

S3 E8

23:45

Could you find a hostel, go there and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?

S3 E8

23:52

Get on to the J drive. You'll find key... Fuck, that is brilliant!

S3 E8

24:35

Fuck, what I really need to do is shoot you all in the back of the head! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

S3 E8

24:49

So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate.

S3 E8

26:30

Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden

S3 E8

26:34

fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception.

S3 E8

26:38

These are the kind of fucks who watched Mandela, fucking Nelson Mandela...

S3 E8

26:41

So we fucking forget about them.

S3 E8

26:52

Now it's the colour of the fucking BBC weather map.

S3 E8

26:59

It looks like anaemic dogshit.

S3 E8

27:03

and their hordes of fucking robots.

S3 E8

27:09

Bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can and twat the fuckery out of them.

It will be fucked.

Let's get out there and let's fucking kill them.

S3 E8

27:30

Car's here. Car's here, Nicola.

S3 E8

27:49

I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!

See you, Nicola!

When is Peter getting in? That nurse is becoming a bit of a running sore

S4 E1

00-00-20.320

Mr Tickel. He's not still in his fucking tent is he?

S4 E1

00-00-25.840

Peter. Can we talk Tickle?

S4 E1

00-01-43.560

Fuck me. What's the Last Airbender want? He needs the... Excuse me!

S4 E1

00-02-52.000

Sounds like that third Tron film no one's waiting for. We'd better tell Peter.

Oh for fuck's sake.

ie, let's launch the fucker.

S4 E1

00-04-30.560

Are you fucking serious? What is wrong with you people?

S4 E1

00-04-41.640

Peter can't even right click a fucking mouse.

S4 E1

00-04-45.080

and the Silicon fucking Playground,

S4 E1

00-06-13.560

Peter, the Networked Nation is about harnessing

S4 E1

00-06-25.720

Let Peter go down to the school,

S4 E1

00-07-01.560

So, Peter gets to announce Silicon Playgrounds,

S4 E1

00-07-06.560

I saw a guy out there who takes three shits an hour. That's not biologically possible.

S4 E1

00-07-22.320

Ah, Peter, I'm expecting great things.

S4 E1

00-07-55.720

Might as well be talking to fucking geese.

S4 E1

00-08-17.640

Two years ago I was a fucking guru.

S4 E1

00-09-21.280

We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking government.

S4 E1

00-10-19.720

while we run the fucking country, all right?

Thank you, Minister.

He makes more noise breathing than he does fucking talking.

S4 E1

00-13-03.440

What the fuck does a Statistical Procurement Officer do anyway?

S4 E1

00-13-06.560

Fuck all. Same as the rest of them.

S4 E1

00-13-09.560

Always on the horizon like a fucking Antony Gormley statue.

S4 E1

00-13-13.320

'Oh, that's no problem, Mannion fucking hates her.'

S4 E1

00-13-36.400

Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.

a minister.

Great, Stewart. Stewart, hello. 'Can I speak to Peter, please?'

S4 E1

00-17-08.320

Congratulations, Peter.

S4 E1

00-17-16.880

Oh for fuck's... I literally can't believe this man.

S4 E1

00-17-27.120

Peter Mannion just got the name wrong, that's...

S4 E1

00-17-49.720

Heads up, OK, just keep moving. Minister, can we get a comment

S4 E1

00-18-00.400

Erm, no. Maybe Peter did come across as more of a...

S4 E1

00-18-30.040

Minister, other way, other way, other way, other way.

S4 E1

00-18-40.320

Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day?

S4 E1

00-18-45.040

No, you can't. I'm sorry. We're quoting your junior minister.

S4 E1

00-19-15.280

I see. Minister, do you think you came across this morning

S4 E1

00-19-17.960

Well, that again is a quote from your junior minister.

S4 E1

00-19-25.160

Minister, is that a bottle of champagne?

S4 E1

00-19-27.760

Drinking on the job, Minister? It...It's a...a half bottle.

S4 E1

00-19-29.640

Run those fuckers over. 50 quid for every one you maim.

S4 E1

00-19-44.960

Thanks a fucking bunch, mate!

S4 E1

00-19-52.800

I'm angry too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy

S4 E1

00-19-59.360

What are your ideas, Peter? We'd love to hear them!

Peter's palace, now!

Sorry, Peter, I take it all back. As strong a defence

S4 E1

00-20-41.040

before Peter took his daily gaffe dump.

S4 E1

00-20-59.600

You used a lot of words. It was like a fucking Will Self lecture.

S4 E1

00-21-04.680

with Peter who will make an abject grovelling apology

S4 E1

00-21-14.920

So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up,

S4 E1

00-21-19.760

then you take salvaging the policy away from me for Peter to screw up.

S4 E1

00-21-22.400

Is Peter sharing a car with Fergus?

S4 E1

00-21-42.000

Peter says he's sorry but he doesn't have any child seats fitted.

S4 E1

00-21-52.200

Oh, fucking hell. Brilliant(!)

S4 E1

00-22-11.080

Does he have any references based in reality? Listen, don't fuck about.

S4 E1

00-22-12.560

Just make sure Fergus gets Peter to the church on time, OK?

S4 E1

00-22-15.880

She's not on the fucking list!

S4 E1

00-22-21.880

Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.

S4 E1

00-22-29.440

Fuck you! You're not getting in my car tonight!

S4 E1

00-22-38.160

Minister, ministers is it true that you hate each other?

S4 E1

00-23-37.040

Good to see you, Peter Pete.

S4 E1

00-23-57.760

No, Phil, don't just say what you fucking see.

No. Shit.

and poured a bucket of shit after it.

S4 E1

00-26-48.200

Finally got rid of Captain fucking Scarlet.

S4 E1

00-27-28.440

We haven't got any fucking power.

I am...a minister.

I used to have missed calls piling up like fucking pizza leaflets.

S4 E2

00-00-23.920

I'd rather fucking not. OK, Nicola...

S4 E2

00-01-09.640

Olly, shit! I had it then.

S4 E2

00-01-11.280

er, but we do have Prime Minister's Questions in one hour.

S4 E2

00-01-16.360

and I've got the withering put down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.

S4 E2

00-01-23.680

A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.

S4 E2

00-02-08.200

Right, our guest tonight on I Don't Give A Fuck About Baby Horses is me.

S4 E2

00-02-12.000

We need to do something about Nicola.

S4 E2

00-02-14.960

I mean, you know about her plan? I mean, Nicola with a plan?!

S4 E2

00-02-16.600

Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan -

S4 E2

00-02-24.880

Big shit, granola, check the e-mail, shower and a shave, Nespresso...

S4 E2

00-02-32.560

sometimes a second shit.

S4 E2

00-02-36.320

Nicola has a plan, that's not good -

S4 E2

00-02-40.760

but I have a plan that's fucking great.

S4 E2

00-02-43.280

cos those are the poor fuckers who gave everything

S4 E2

00-03-10.800

Fuck, that sounds like a racist tribute band.

Fuck annoy!

What's she doing, is she fucking sniffing the pens at night?

S4 E2

00-05-24.320

This is, this can't go on - this is fucking suicide.

I mean, Nicola...

Karaoke, you can't take her karaoke off her. Fucking wish I could!

S4 E2

00-05-43.360

Nicola's right, of course, she's right,

S4 E2

00-07-11.560

everyone will just be facing half an empty fucking chamber.

NICOLA LAUGHS

Well, maybe... You fox-faced fuck!

S4 E2

00-09-42.880

$Screenshot: and fracture and shake him into an actual fucking smoothie.$

and fracture and shake him into an actual fucking smoothie.

S4 E2

00-09-57.840

Are you for the chop? It's a fucking hack pack.

S4 E2

00-10-05.360

You, fuck off! Get back to the fucking Flintstones.

S4 E2

00-10-18.480

Turn up like that again I'll fucking stick that down your throat

S4 E2

00-10-21.000

No questions, Nicola's got a government to bring down.

S4 E2

00-10-28.520

They're my notes but they're your shit suggestions.

S4 E2

00-11-06.400

They were taking a photo of Nicola... Cos you're an adult...

S4 E2

00-11-13.760

"Quite Batpeople" on EVERY fucking paper!

S4 E2

00-11-16.440

By the way, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown,

S4 E2

00-11-22.560

with her fucking hair on fire,

S4 E2

00-11-25.760

so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?!

S4 E2

00-11-32.200

Yes and he's a 24 carat fucking nutcase.

S4 E2

00-11-49.160

Which means that Peter Mannion

I do my fucking job!

Well, do you do your fucking job out of a sense of obligation

S4 E2

00-12-30.040

Oh, let me boomer-fucking-rang that one right back at you, do you believe in you?

S4 E2

00-12-35.280

Cos I can't see any fucking fire in your eyes.

S4 E2

00-12-38.840

"Oh, I've fucking had enough," and go off and get a blanket from the car.

S4 E2

00-12-48.640

You have to really fucking want to do this. This is what I'm telling you!

S4 E2

00-13-04.080

I FUCKING want this... Shit, people can hear me.

S4 E2

00-13-07.320

Well, you've got to be as hungry as a fucking Hutu

S4 E2

00-13-11.640

in the fucking jungle with a big machete.

S4 E2

00-13-14.640

You've got to go HACKING through the fucking opposition

S4 E2

00-13-17.000

with a big fucking belt full of hands and a necklace made of ears.

S4 E2

00-13-19.920

I can wear fucking fingernail bracelets, I can...

Fucking useless.

Mrs Doherty is a quiet fucking batperson, or a fucking motorway mingebag,

S4 E2

00-14-19.240

or whatever the fuck we're calling these fickle shits this week.

S4 E2

00-14-24.200

I'll have a fucking Fanta. OK.

S4 E2

00-14-29.200

I'll say you're not interested. I'm fucking not interested.

S4 E2

00-15-01.200

So we need to be rid of Nicola.

S4 E2

00-15-06.640

She's fucking electoral asbestos. Wow, so...you, you want to...?

S4 E2

00-15-10.680

I don't know whether you've noticed but we haven't got any fucking power.

S4 E2

00-15-17.440

We're out in the middle of nowhere. We're in the fucking...middle of the ocean,

S4 E2

00-15-23.840

Or at least witter on at them until they fucking lose the will to live. So, do you...?

S4 E2

00-15-37.720

Jiminy Fuckmas, Malcolm! I don't know about any of this.

S4 E2

00-15-56.720

What film? The one about the fucking hairdresser,

S4 E2

00-16-04.240

His father's a robot and he's fucking fucked his sister.

S4 E2

00-16-11.960

LEGO, they're all made of fucking Lego.

S4 E2

00-16-15.400

It's like that, OK? You want to fucking kill the bad guys.

S4 E2

00-16-20.720

I've been so fucking bored for the last two years.

S4 E2

00-16-49.240

I saw him and I fucking eviscerated him.

S4 E2

00-17-12.680

Don't humiliate him any further - that's my fucking job.

S4 E2

00-17-34.880

Fuck that. I don't want one of your home-made fucking feta parcels.

S4 E2

00-17-42.600

I'm saying that I spoke to Nicola earlier,

S4 E2

00-18-53.440

Oh, well, he said, er, "Fuck right off, you fucker!"

S4 E2

00-19-03.040

So, your loyalty to Nicola is...?

S4 E2

00-19-29.600

I should challenge her? What the fuck is this?

S4 E2

00-19-53.200

Well, she needs to fuck off in eight months,

S4 E2

00-20-03.280

Now let's get out of this fucking cupboard

S4 E2

00-20-09.200

She's a shit politician pretending to be a,

S4 E2

00-20-26.720

Practising for Strictly. Get off my fucking...

S4 E2

00-20-44.440

Give me my fucking...

S4 E2

00-20-46.520

Nicola is about to adopt a policy that is so toxic

S4 E2

00-21-05.520

that this stony-hearted government of fucking puppy killers is dropping it?

S4 E2

00-21-09.560

Yeah. Shit in my porridge.

S4 E2

00-21-13.480

Get a dart gun and go and fucking kill her.

S4 E2

00-21-16.320

I'll bundle her out during the melee. We need to stop Nicola announcing.

S4 E2

00-21-32.120

Rumour has it that the government is going to drop the breakfast club policy. Oh, shit!

S4 E2

00-21-35.280

You don't have a fucking signal? You must, from Hampstead Heath?

S4 E2

00-21-45.960

Didn't Nicola mention something about iceberg?

S4 E2

00-21-49.000

In times of deep crisis, tribal politics can act as a break upon it.

S4 E2

00-21-56.520

What is that? Breached birth? It's a fucking iceberg.

S4 E2

00-22-08.760

Undermining Nicola. You're getting off on this.

S4 E2

00-23-07.880

Oh, with the triangle thing. W.T.Fuck was that?

S4 E2

00-23-47.680

Do we know why the fuckers dropped it?

S4 E2

00-24-16.160

I would've been actually pleased to see you. Where the fuck were you?

S4 E2

00-24-46.400

Look, we're all still Team Nicola. We'll fight for you, won't we?

S4 E2

00-25-06.840

Oh, come on, Nicola, you'll be absolutely fine.

Fuck off, Olly. OK.

You're right, she can't fucking walk.

S4 E2

00-26-53.800

It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.

S4 E2

00-26-58.200

Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression.

S4 E3

00-00-07.040

I barely had time to take myself for a shit.

S4 E3

00-00-29.800

Phil, I'm sure you have Peter withdrawal symptoms

S4 E3

00-00-31.600

What do you mean, you're in charge? You are not in fucking charge.

S4 E3

00-00-50.480

Thought camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forward.

S4 E3

00-01-12.080

Glenn. What? What the fuck are you doing here?

S4 E3

00-01-41.120

Come on, quick. Quick. Fuck, fuck, it's hot.

S4 E3

00-02-45.120

Cos it's party business. It's not ministerial.

S4 E3

00-03-09.520

While Peter is absent, I'm his surrogate - the king's hand.

S4 E3

00-03-14.520

When it's at your house? Peter!

S4 E3

00-03-35.040

Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me?

S4 E3

00-03-58.280

Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, do you want to share your thoughts? Hmm?

S4 E3

00-04-21.080

That's it just put it at the side, Peter.

S4 E3

00-04-45.400

OK, Mary, you've got to help Peter work out what political concept he is. You have one guess left.

S4 E3

00-05-58.720

This is terrific, I mean, it's so fucking us it's brilliant.

S4 E3

00-06-20.640

Yes or no questions only, please, Peter.

S4 E3

00-06-54.400

You're out of questions, Peter.

S4 E3

00-07-06.960

Oh, for fuck's sake. Inclusivity's practically the same as diversity.

S4 E3

00-07-10.200

No, it's not. No, it isn't, Peter.

S4 E3

00-07-13.880

Actually we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter.

S4 E3

00-07-23.160

Nicola Murray. We're assuming she's on her way out.

S4 E3

00-09-18.120

and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.

S4 E3

00-10-02.520

And in the end, this is so fucking us. Fuck, yeah. Yeah.

S4 E3

00-10-21.080

As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's probably illegal.

S4 E3

00-10-56.680

If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there.

S4 E3

00-11-00.520

The minister is unaware that you're here, so you have to leave.

S4 E3

00-11-07.840

Oh, brilliant. That is really good. Fuck! Tickle's dead!

Oh, shit. Jesus.

Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake. I'm sorry, I just, you know...

S4 E3

00-11-33.080

Who's that? No-one. Ah, Minister, sorry.

S4 E3

00-11-53.960

She's your girlfriend. Get her a fucking tea.

S4 E3

00-13-17.480

I'm the minister. I don't even know where tea is made. Make her a tea.

S4 E3

00-13-19.440

with a fucking light sabre in his desk -

S4 E3

00-13-43.000

running this department when Mannion's away. Yeah? It's a fucking joke.

S4 E3

00-13-46.560

I'm in charge because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok.

S4 E3

00-13-57.400

As a minister I should at least express condolences.

S4 E3

00-14-26.920

That, that should come from Peter. But he's not here. I am.

S4 E3

00-14-29.400

Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died.

S4 E3

00-14-35.040

and then you can't respond - you get sucked fucking inside out.

S4 E3

00-14-47.440

Right, fuck. Adam, we need to.

S4 E3

00-15-16.440

This is just great, this is just fucking great.

S4 E3

00-16-03.600

Right, I'm in fucking charge and I am going Nordic drama.

S4 E3

00-16-35.960

so just fucking ring me, OK?

S4 E3

00-17-03.840

Fuck it, the whole of university. PHONE RINGS

S4 E3

00-17-10.160

No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this.

S4 E3

00-17-13.840

SHE LAUGHS No! No, Peter's not resigning!

S4 E3

00-17-45.160

Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your sinuses like a pinball,

S4 E3

00-18-00.880

Yes and ho. You idiot, that's fucking mental.

S4 E3

00-18-12.920

No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint.

S4 E3

00-18-16.520

Good idea, bad idea? Good idea for me. I wouldn't get any more of your fucking emails.

S4 E3

00-18-21.640

Try and stay cross-legged if you can, Peter. Don't break the circle.

S4 E3

00-18-25.760

I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped.

S4 E3

00-18-28.760

Some of us had to go through this hippy shit the first time around.

S4 E3

00-18-32.400

No. Give me the fucking ball, Stewart.

S4 E3

00-18-44.320

Just suppose your free-range, no-consequences bullshit

S4 E3

00-18-55.240

was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money

S4 E3

00-18-58.000

Oh, very droll, Peter.

S4 E3

00-19-06.200

Your office says Peter Mannion and Stewart Pearson should check their phones and call back now, please.

S4 E3

00-19-24.240

Peter's going nowhere

S4 E3

00-20-00.520

Peter resigns over my dead body.

S4 E3

00-20-12.240

Peter Mannion, mine's the old Nokia. It's engaged.

S4 E3

00-20-33.040

Download the intel, Peter. Come on. Put it on speaker.

S4 E3

00-21-05.520

The wound in his paw's gone septic. Oh, please, Peter, move on.

S4 E3

00-21-19.360

OK, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down.

S4 E3

00-21-28.200

Wait, I'm listening to the fucking message.

S4 E3

00-21-30.560

Stop being so childish. Jesus Christ. Just get down, Peter.

S4 E3

00-21-35.520

Update, Phil's intercepting Peter.

S4 E3

00-21-57.440

What was it...? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?

S4 E3

00-22-34.480

What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide not a fucking camel race.

S4 E3

00-22-52.800

No, Peter. Stewart, what are you doing?

S4 E3

00-23-17.200

A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.

S4 E3

00-23-22.880

What's on your tie? Tintin moon rockets. Oh, for fuck's sake.

S4 E3

00-23-54.760

Here he is! Minister! Minister, does the government have blood on its hands?

S4 E3

00-24-00.040

Shouldn't you have done more, Minister? Please! Not the trousers.

S4 E3

00-24-05.880

Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers.

S4 E3

00-24-34.440

Peter, I have a bit of news that I should probably make you aware of.

S4 E3

00-24-40.240

I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant.

S4 E3

00-24-56.120

I sometimes buy the Big Issue out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a fucking bank.

S4 E3

00-25-15.880

Oh... Peter, this is so fucking us.

S4 E3

00-25-21.320

All right, don't need to shit yourself about it because we're not buying it, OK?

S4 E3

00-25-33.360

Oh, great, the triple! I'm a nurse killer, a banker and now I'm raising fucking taxes!

S4 E3

00-25-39.040

You look like the Shit Family Robinson. Aaahhhh!

Jesus Christ! Shit!

Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations,

S4 E3

00-26-18.720

what the fuck were you doing being photographed on a slide?

S4 E3

00-26-21.440

It was the only place we could get a fucking signal.

S4 E3

00-26-25.520

Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement.

S4 E3

00-26-33.400

I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. I don't want the fucking trousers.

S4 E3

00-26-42.000

ADAM: Peter, sorry to take this off you.

S4 E3

00-26-46.120

Oh, Peter, that tie's a bit rubbish, isn't it?

S4 E3

00-27-05.600

Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray.

S4 E4

00-00-26.120

"you are a fucking waste of skin."

S4 E4

00-00-38.880

So have you seen this? Nicola Murray is unelectable?

S4 E4

00-01-50.960

Is that it then, is she fucked?

S4 E4

00-01-55.520

onto her fucking fat, unelectable, smug head.

S4 E4

00-02-02.800

IN DIFFERENT ACCENTS: "I fucking hate you",

S4 E4

00-02-22.520

"I hate you," "I fucking hate you,"

S4 E4

00-02-24.880

dead a year, playing cribbage with Jimmy fucking Saville.

S4 E4

00-02-39.080

This is it, Jack fucking Bauer,

S4 E4

00-02-48.440

I look forward to you fucking off actually. Thanks very much.

S4 E4

00-03-26.440

more than the Prime Minister, I mean, what do I expect next,

S4 E4

00-03-44.480

Yeah, just give them ten minutes' bullshit

S4 E4

00-04-30.080

for Nicola Potter and the Prisoner of AzkerBradford.

S4 E4

00-05-04.440

Hello, hi. Nicola Murray.

S4 E4

00-05-18.760

No, it's Olly Reeder. Who the fuck's Preston?

S4 E4

00-05-51.320

I need you lot to make like a tree, and go fuck yourselves.

S4 E4

00-06-17.320

I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.

S4 E4

00-07-24.560

I want to see this turn around. I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls,

S4 E4

00-07-37.320

and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.

S4 E4

00-07-41.000

but what's the solution? Nicola has to go. Today.

S4 E4

00-07-47.480

so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister!

S4 E4

00-08-11.640

Fuck you very much, Malcolm.

S4 E4

00-08-14.000

I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast.

S4 E4

00-08-20.640

I'm not fucking going there.

S4 E4

00-08-32.320

fuck off breakfasts at Dubai hotels, tours of secret Russian sex shops.

S4 E4

00-08-36.520

I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face.

S4 E4

00-08-47.880

you might as well do a shit in the aisle.

Shitting quitting.

Fuck off! Shut up!

Yeah, I am. All right, I'll get you a fucking pizza.

S4 E4

00-10-01.000

everything's a fucking adventure.

S4 E4

00-11-20.680

Yes, Mr Happy on the other hand, fucking delighted.

S4 E4

00-11-35.680

Remember the email that Nicola sent ages ago,

S4 E4

00-11-52.160

husband's PFI contracts fucked the whole thing.

S4 E4

00-12-06.000

Nicola, is it true there's a rumour that Ben Swain is going to resign?

S4 E4

00-12-29.760

I think Helen in the vestibule, Nicola.

S4 E4

00-12-43.240

Helen, yes. Some serious shit's going down.

S4 E4

00-13-21.320

Nah, he's just a fucking air bag.

S4 E4

00-13-25.720

I know he's a fucking air bag,

S4 E4

00-13-27.760

but if he goes off now in Nicola's face,

S4 E4

00-13-29.840

Wow, I'm fine, thanks, for asking, Wednesday fucking Addams.

S4 E4

00-13-35.800

Olly, this is the shittiest lunch break

S4 E4

00-13-38.880

Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuck puppet master at work now.

S4 E4

00-13-43.000

'Why, what's Nicola offering?' Name your price.

S4 E4

00-14-15.680

I'm serious, stop fucking laughing. All right, I'll, I'll call you back.

S4 E4

00-14-26.080

This is a fucking joke. Ben Swain, Chancellor.

S4 E4

00-14-29.320

Just give it to the fucker. It's fine.

S4 E4

00-14-44.480

Shit a thimble. Right, well.

S4 E4

00-14-55.200

I'll take the red box containing the fucking red box,

S4 E4

00-15-03.840

Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard.

S4 E4

00-15-24.960

Fuck Ben. Fuck Ben. Brilliant, give me some skin,

S4 E4

00-15-58.480

It's what Nicola's offering me.

S4 E4

00-16-34.360

out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history.

S4 E4

00-16-45.080

Ha, ha, Chumba-fucking-Wumba.

S4 E4

00-17-05.040

because that burley haemorrhoid's not in any fucking Cabinet of mine.

S4 E4

00-17-26.840

Oh, he'll be back. Like the shit Terminator.

S4 E4

00-17-40.720

Ben Swain. I know, she's a crazy woman. Nicola's got to go.

S4 E4

00-17-46.200

Oh wind it up, Polly fucking Toynbee.

S4 E4

00-17-59.840

The last two years stuck in that fucking office

S4 E4

00-18-08.200

like some kind of fucking dancing bear.

S4 E4

00-18-14.520

The massive fuck's gone to ground somehow and nobody's felt the aftershocks.

S4 E4

00-18-54.840

Oh, Glenn, you wrinkled beauty. This is an emergency situation, Nicola,

S4 E4

00-19-08.640

You're on the ropes, Nicola, do something fucking drastic.

S4 E4

00-19-27.000

I fucking know I'm stuck on a train. Just attack, attack, and do it

S4 E4

00-19-35.240

Fine, fine, good. Thank you, Malcolm. Fuck off.

S4 E4

00-19-40.760

You're not fucking pregnant. It's just Prosecco. Just get on with it.

S4 E4

00-19-56.360

just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.

S4 E4

00-20-16.720

Great, thank you, Nicola.

S4 E4

00-20-38.200

Thank you. Nicola has to take a very urgent call, thank you so much.

S4 E4

00-20-42.200

I have to get off this train, I'm hyper fucking ventilating.

S4 E4

00-20-46.000

No, she hardly swears at all actually, the occasional "shit."

S4 E4

00-21-05.480

I'm gonna kill Ben Swain, I'm gonna fucking, fucking kill Ben Swain.

S4 E4

00-21-09.120

I'm gonna get some fucking giant Yorkie, and ram it down his gizzard.

S4 E4

00-21-13.840

Lazy fucking shyster.

S4 E4

00-21-52.400

Fucking fibroid polyp bitch.

S4 E4

00-22-13.000

I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her.

S4 E4

00-22-15.520

Yeah, I'm pumped, pumped to the fucking max.

S4 E4

00-22-32.360

Nicola agreed with this key worker housing scheme.

S4 E4

00-22-43.720

what, a joke that I'm going to shit myself?

S4 E4

00-23-03.000

were gleefully in favour of it, just like Nicola.

S4 E4

00-23-13.240

and Malcolm made me do it and now, fuck.

S4 E4

00-23-31.800

Olly is a fucking...because...

S4 E4

00-24-16.280

But I do not believe that Nicola Murray is fit to lead such an attack

S4 E4

00-24-50.480

when a minister, supported the exact same proposals.

S4 E4

00-24-58.840

Olly, how the shit has this happened?

S4 E4

00-25-27.680

Nicola, if you fight this, it's just going to be one of those long slow

S4 E4

00-25-44.280

I'm sorry Nicola, this is it.

S4 E4

00-26-01.240

I really thought I could be Prime Minister.

S4 E4

00-26-10.440

I'm gonna end up asking for a divorce and that's exactly what he fucking well wants me to do

S4 E4

00-26-28.400

and I just know I'm going to end up with the fucking kids.

S4 E4

00-26-32.240

Right, come on, folks, gather round. Grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking vuvuzelas,

S4 E4

00-26-36.880

this is what we've been waiting for, it's the queen's fucking speech.

S4 E4

00-26-40.560

of my party. You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.

S4 E4

00-26-59.720

You. Bland fucking robot droid, clear that shit out of there.

S4 E4

00-27-17.040

the stench of fucking failure.

S4 E4

00-27-22.520

Somebody get me a fucking Fanta!

S4 E4

00-27-24.200

I think Nicola's just finishing herself off here.

S4 E4

00-27-43.480

(Nicola, Nicola this way this way.)

Oh shit.

cousin-fucking chinless aliens.

S4 E4

00-28-17.240

Nicola's security pass. Get it altered.

S4 E4

00-28-44.520

"Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams."

S4 E5

00-00-47.520

Farewell our shit and useless servant.

S4 E5

00-00-51.200

Oh, fuck, the man made of space hopper is coming this way.

S4 E5

00-01-19.280

I'm not a fucking lion, Phil.

S4 E5

00-01-30.320

Peter Mannion. Lovely to meet you. What vital work you do.

S4 E5

00-01-59.760

Peter, I'd love to introduce you to 'The Carers'...

S4 E5

00-02-03.600

going to nail me up like fucking Barabbas.

S4 E5

00-02-11.320

That is a good idea. Really? Fuck, that hurt to say.

S4 E5

00-02-28.320

We can backspin it, Peter. It's good.

S4 E5

00-02-36.960

Ah, Peter. This is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh?

S4 E5

00-02-59.400

Assuming you can squeeze past the port and stilton? Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit.

S4 E5

00-03-03.880

Good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Thank you.

S4 E5

00-03-17.320

Slip into neutral for a moment here, Peter.

S4 E5

00-03-21.040

Oh, Christ, there's that fucking chop!

S4 E5

00-03-43.040

at the time or shits for saying so now.

S4 E5

00-04-27.520

But we've been here for three years and we've done fuck all.

S4 E5

00-04-39.560

We haven't done fuck all.

S4 E5

00-04-42.080

three iPads and their boss is a fucking dead guy!

S4 E5

00-04-47.360

And no smiling. Not even a wee fucking Anne Robinson, right?

S4 E5

00-05-11.440

Fuck! What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

S4 E5

00-05-32.560

Oh, fuck, I don't know how to play this. Um...

S4 E5

00-06-07.640

No, there were other reasons. Fuck! Come on, let's go.

S4 E5

00-06-15.120

You are not a grandee, you're a fucking blandee.

S4 E5

00-08-07.360

No-one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist.

S4 E5

00-08-10.040

By the way, women fucking hate you.

S4 E5

00-08-17.440

Because that will fuck the government, and it will fuck you.

S4 E5

00-08-31.800

So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump,

S4 E5

00-08-34.800

fucking done it now, Malcolm.

S4 E5

00-08-51.040

Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some

S4 E5

00-08-59.760

unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola

S4 E5

00-09-02.800

you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream

S4 E5

00-09-09.360

into your own fucking face. There's your golden handshake.

S4 E5

00-09-11.680

an apostrophe in 'it's'. Illiterate fuckers.

S4 E5

00-09-25.800

Fucking Dan! He's just a... He's basically just a bent dummy

S4 E5

00-09-32.160

with Malcolm's hand shoved up his arse. Fucking..!

S4 E5

00-09-35.920

No, I don't want fucking noodles!

S4 E5

00-09-46.040

I just... I just want a fucking break.

Fucking box.

Oh, yeah. This is your 'Get Out of Jail Free' card strapped to a fucking jet-pack.

S4 E5

00-10-44.120

Yeah, fucking perfect. He'll love it. Olly, look, I'm feeling very exposed here.

S4 E5

00-10-58.280

and the fucking pigeons are circling.

S4 E5

00-11-03.920

Still a fucking vegetable to you though, eh?

S4 E5

00-11-23.680

Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it.

S4 E5

00-11-45.760

You are a brilliant bullshitter.

S4 E5

00-11-53.880

Are you telling me he's still in a fucking ba... Sorry, excuse me.

S4 E5

00-12-06.080

Tell him to get out of the fucking bar, or I will come along

S4 E5

00-12-11.280

Just scoop your guts up, put them in a fucking wheelbarrow and come over.

S4 E5

00-12-47.840

Olly, whose initiation rite into our little cabal of shitty devils here,

S4 E5

00-13-38.280

Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys.

S4 E5

00-15-22.000

I just want to get an overview, Peter.

S4 E5

00-15-33.840

Ah! Peter, incompetent.

S4 E5

00-16-19.400

Oh, shit with a capital shit. We've got to go.

Oh my giddy fuck.

Why are you even fucking telling me that?

S4 E5

00-17-26.280

When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.

S4 E5

00-18-14.120

I got rid of Nicola for you. You owe me.

S4 E5

00-18-19.880

Rudolf Hess's fucking senile older brother.

S4 E5

00-18-25.160

I can't even fucking hear you.

S4 E5

00-18-33.160

Listen, Mary Queen of fucking Shits.

S4 E5

00-18-40.560

like a fucking Cornish pasty.

S4 E5

00-18-45.480

Hang your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London.

S4 E5

00-18-47.520

Catch you later, you fucking traitor.

S4 E5

00-18-51.680

Stewart Pearson. I'm the fucking wanker's lodestone today!

S4 E5

00-18-57.120

OK 'Bright Eyes'. I'm massively fucking reassured.

S4 E5

00-19-19.240

is you can't blame me for this, Peter.

S4 E5

00-19-43.320

You shouldn't resign, Peter.

S4 E5

00-20-08.080

I am a, a world expert in, in, in Peter Mannion.

S4 E5

00-20-30.960

34. I've, I've given you everything, Peter.

S4 E5

00-20-42.960

I'm never going to get anyone pregnant, OK? I'm fucking seedless.

S4 E5

00-20-55.960

Where as she's just, just a fucking baby bomb! OK?

S4 E5

00-20-59.160

Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the "DoSac One".

S4 E5

00-21-09.360

You're all shit. I'm going to sort it out, by myself.

S4 E5

00-21-14.800

I insist, I insist. Peter, please.

S4 E5

00-21-23.720

Now fuck off to your office and organise the wedding.

S4 E5

00-21-27.280

Did a liquid shit on it. Trousers down.

S4 E5

00-21-44.920

And where did the shit go? All over Mannion.

Fuck, hang on.

Uh, check the fucking emails.

S4 E5

00-21-54.160

What the fuck did you give to Glenn?

S4 E5

00-21-57.000

But it's the whole... We're on the email! Oh, fucking hell.

S4 E5

00-22-00.440

Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it!

S4 E5

00-22-08.040

Adam, there is now shit all over me! Oh, Jesus Christ!

S4 E5

00-22-16.360

How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam!

S4 E5

00-22-18.600

Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it!

S4 E5

00-22-21.400

I just wanted one solid shit, to go in one direction.

S4 E5

00-22-24.720

Not Madras, fucking everywhere!

S4 E5

00-22-27.800

Alastair, yeah, it's Peter Mannion.

S4 E5

00-22-30.360

2,000-year-old man! Why the fuck did you send the whole email?! Huh?

S4 E5

00-23-45.600

not the whole fucking exchange.

S4 E5

00-23-52.320

Why the fuck... The only reason I'd ever ask Terri for help,

S4 E5

00-24-02.040

Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!

S4 E5

00-24-22.120

# Fuck you very much. #

S4 E5

00-24-25.240

That chinless horse fiddler, our fucklustrious PM has opened

S4 E5

00-24-47.440

Pandora's fucking Box and curled a massive steamer right into it.

S4 E5

00-24-50.200

But what leak, what leak, what fucking leak?!

S4 E5

00-25-14.400

that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea!

S4 E5

00-25-28.280

No, no, what you are Peter, is leak zero. It started here.

S4 E5

00-25-32.520

You have presided over a shambolic showering of info. Peter Mannion.

S4 E5

00-25-36.920

Yes, you sound really shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.

S4 E5

00-25-54.960

What the fuck is going on?!

S4 E5

00-26-02.800

All right, Fergus. What the fuck is going on?

S4 E5

00-26-04.160

To paraphrase a popular fucking Bangles song.

S4 E5

00-26-25.600

Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit.

S4 E5

00-26-32.920

Dark shit builds up and then it bursts.

S4 E5

00-26-57.120

It's your fucking come face, isn't it?

S4 E5

00-27-52.920

Who am I? Fucking Kirsty Wark?

I, Peter Mannion.

Nicola Alison Murray.

S4 E5

00-28-25.360

Quiet Batpeople on every fucking paper!

S4 E6

00-00-12.720

not the whole fucking exchange!

Dark shit builds up.

What the fuck is going on? There's going to be an inquiry.

S4 E6

00-00-39.560

about the Quiet Batpeople, er, policy of Mrs Nicola Murray.

S4 E6

00-09-22.480

the PFI e-mail that led to the...to the resignation of Nicola Murray.

S4 E6

00-10-51.360

erm, "fucking Florence Shiteingale".

S4 E6

00-16-49.320

Well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister.

S4 E6

00-19-02.480

That would be, er, Peter Mannion and to a lesser extent Fergus Williams.

S4 E6

00-19-20.840

"The fucker's a nutbag."

S4 E6

00-21-58.680

How was your relationship with Nicola Murray?

S4 E6

00-25-33.840

And your relationship with Peter Mannion?

S4 E6

00-26-00.120

"How Nicola Murray went from gold to lead in six months."

S4 E6

00-35-03.040

there are funding issues, there's the justice minister crisis

(Fuck's sake.)

Or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite,

S4 E6

00-40-19.640

they, they call you Mariella Shitstrop.

S4 E6

00-40-33.400

Er, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior advisor to Nicola Murray

S4 E6

00-44-19.560

should be Prime Minister!

S4 E6

00-44-52.880

he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously

S4 E6

00-48-59.720

You left Nicola Murray, and you went to work for Fergus Williams.

S4 E6

00-49-17.560

That to Peter. Oh, good morning, Minister!

S4 E7

00-00-30.440

This one is Nicolas Cage on a plane.

S4 E7

00-00-51.000

Peter, quick reminder, Think Socially,

S4 E7

00-01-40.720

I'm in the minister's office. Oh, great! Oh, no, the proper one!

S4 E7

00-01-51.440

Well, can you just be a fucking professional and get Fergus in here?

S4 E7

00-02-16.160

Ah. Yeah, OK, err, um, Peter, may I just... No, you may not.

S4 E7

00-02-27.200

a time-sensitive decision, I have got a stamp from Peter,

S4 E7

00-03-00.680

What the fuck are you trying to do, prove the Mayans right?

S4 E7

00-03-32.160

"to fuck up on the same day?" "Yes, I can!"

S4 E7

00-03-38.240

Ah, Peter. This War of the Roses with the Home Office?

S4 E7

00-06-16.480

But, er...Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue.

S4 E7

00-07-39.880

Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?

S4 E7

00-08-00.840

a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?

S4 E7

00-08-16.760

Because, right now, I want to double stamp on your fucking throat.

S4 E7

00-08-23.720

Um... I did apologise, didn't I, for telling you to fuck off?

S4 E7

00-09-02.640

I've got plenty of places to fuck off to.

S4 E7

00-09-15.240

It's just another day at the fuck office.

S4 E7

00-10-12.560

their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids.

S4 E7

00-10-25.200

Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that.

S4 E7

00-10-35.880

And you are not Malcolm Fucking Tucker.

S4 E7

00-10-53.640

You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band.

S4 E7

00-10-55.960

Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months

S4 E7

00-11-02.800

with no fucking bladder control.

S4 E7

00-11-09.600

for the last fucking eight years Waa-waa-waa-waa-waa!

S4 E7

00-11-23.800

Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?

S4 E7

00-11-35.840

You know Jackie fucking Chan about me.

S4 E7

00-11-41.480

You know fuck all about me!

S4 E7

00-11-45.520

I am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired,

S4 E7

00-11-49.400

fucking dim-witted compre-fucking-hension.

S4 E7

00-11-53.520

I don't just take this fucking job home, you know.

S4 E7

00-11-56.400

I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed,

S4 E7

00-11-59.280

and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast.

S4 E7

00-12-02.080

to make sure I'm awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks.

S4 E7

00-12-09.200

This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body.

S4 E7

00-12-12.200

Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago!

S4 E7

00-12-19.320

This is a fucking husk.

S4 E7

00-12-22.840

I am a fucking host for this fucking job.

S4 E7

00-12-24.240

Yeah. Yes, you do fucking want this job.

S4 E7

00-12-28.880

Then, you're going to have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life

S4 E7

00-12-31.760

Getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive

S4 E7

00-12-37.200

Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube

S4 E7

00-12-44.320

I'm as dead as fucking 2 Tone.

S4 E7

00-12-52.240

I'm going to leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right?

S4 E7

00-13-08.200

What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son.

Well, fuck them.

Hi. Nicola Murray, Leader of... Oh! I've got to stop saying that.

S4 E7

00-13-34.960

of balling my fucking eyes out disappointed about this.

S4 E7

00-14-25.920

and doing a fucking hookie waltz with Abu Hamza?

S4 E7

00-14-33.960

If they video this as well, I'm going to swallow my own fucking thumbs.

S4 E7

00-14-59.280

Boom! Fuck the Home Office.

S4 E7

00-15-21.360

Yeah. Double stamped. Fuck the police!

S4 E7

00-15-23.320

Phil, can you stop pretending you're in The Sweeney and just give me a fucking fact?

S4 E7

00-15-42.360

Peter, we need to get as many staff as possible down to Lewisham, OK?

S4 E7

00-15-56.600

He's the backlog. Err, Peter. Um? Yeah.

S4 E7

00-16-12.800

What the fuck? This is... I've been getting calls for 15 minutes.

S4 E7

00-16-24.600

which was... What? ..dealing with this arrest backlog. Can't you react to events? Fuck!

S4 E7

00-16-47.760

Shit, it's off-grid! It'd be here, the vector would be here.

S4 E7

00-17-09.600

Let's put the fucker in a cell with a genuine psychopath.

S4 E7

00-17-18.760

Olly. What the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine.

Fucking press!

You could hang yourself. Fuck off!

S4 E7

00-18-33.880

Yes, yes, maybe they can do me a favour and throw you down the fucking stairs.

S4 E7

00-18-57.680

This is basically the same fucking exit.

S4 E7

00-19-06.520

Hey! Get the fuck back here!

S4 E7

00-19-23.640

you'll be able to tell the price of your next shit.

S4 E7

00-19-33.000

Why the fuck have you brought me to a police station

S4 E7

00-19-35.200

I've just been chased into a cab. It's like Hard Day's fucking Night.

S4 E7

00-19-53.920

Come on, give me my fucking dignity... Er, thanks for calling.

S4 E7

00-20-09.320

Christ's sake! It's Tora fucking Bora all over again.

S4 E7

00-20-25.840

This is fucking awesome, it's like COBRA! I hope I get defence next.

S4 E7

00-20-52.440

Want the headset now, don't you? Fuck off.

S4 E7

00-20-55.400

Come on, bring out your fucking dead.

S4 E7

00-21-33.960

but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree,

S4 E7

00-22-09.600

swaying to the guff of these six-toed, born-to-rule pony fuckers.

S4 E7

00-22-14.520

Oh! Spare us this Peter Finch bullshit.

S4 E7

00-22-21.200

so thank fucking God you have no power.

S4 E7

00-22-44.360

And, Peter, it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off.

S4 E7

00-22-49.440

Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta-ta! Bye-bye!

S4 E7

00-23-27.080

Fuck, no! He's gone completely mental.

S4 E7

00-23-35.600

Out of my way, you fucking human Mooncup.

S4 E7

00-23-54.920

Oh, I do feel grubby. I feel fucking great! It's a huge scalp.

S4 E7

00-25-17.920

with a fine 12-year-old Glen-fuck it?!

S4 E7

00-25-26.840

Drinking on the job, Peter. Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half-cut.

S4 E7

00-26-20.880

Peter? Sorry, the Sun have just been on.

S4 E7

00-27-58.240

he's gone back and attacked the wife and children. Oh, shit in the couscous!

S4 E7

00-28-04.480

Both departments were too busy with the backlogs. Fuck it all!

S4 E7

00-28-10.440

Can this be double-stamped? Fuck the stamps!

S4 E7

00-28-16.480

Terri, meeting in my office. Well, uh, in Peter's office. Well, I'm meeting in my office.

What a shit day!

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