Incident Reports

I've got to go. The minister's just walked in.

Don't interrupt your call because of me. You're a minister of the Crown.

my cock-up, as usual. I thought that Graham Dixon was doing a briefing, and it turns out it's Graham Hughes.

God, look, I'm sorry about the fuck-up about the coffee. Oh, God...

How am I supposed to run a department if I can't get the Prime Minister's enforcer a cup of fucking coffee?

With all this shit in the paper about whether I'm going or not... Yeah.

Would you like some coffee? Fuck off! Tea?

You fuck off, darling.

Minister... Yeah, get used to "Cliff".

Look, you don't need to do all this. What about Tom, yeah? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport.

I know what Transport fucking entails!

HUGH SIGHS DEEPLY

Some very nice fucking things indeed! I had a lump in my throat, and you know why?

I wonder why(!) Look, you're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm, that's over.

before you are pushed. We were going to push you because of your deeply-held fucking personal issues!

Get on the fucking phone!

He's here now, so don't worry. Morning, Hugh!

because I had a chat with my very good friend the Prime Minister of Great Britain... Oh, really? Oh?

The Prime Minister's view is, "Fuck the spending implications, I like it."

It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard And Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa.

So the Prime Minister's authorised you to announce it?

It was a fucking e-mail! It wasn't a text message. She'll write what we want. She's easy.

The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy.

Very good, Minister, I'll get to it. Yeah. You're just doing your job. Yeah. (Not very well.)

Thanks. The driver. ..Technically. Yeah. Will it be my driver? Yes. I don't fucking like him. Why not?

No. Hugh he likes you, I'm sure.

'The World At One, this is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news and...' You can fuck off!

'This afternoon the Social Affairs Secretary, Hugh Abbot...' Evening!

'First, estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen overnight...'

What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you?

I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at the Treasury are paranoid!

Malcolm... You don't seem to understand that I'm going to have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss

from all of these neurotics. What did the Prime Minister actually say?

Well, fuck the TV cameras! Think of something else to say,

but don't mention the Snooper Force or whatever the fuck you call it!

Hugh, talk to me. Hugh, what's going on? What's the matter?