Series 4 – Episode 7

This programme contains very strong language from the start and adult humour.

We're on dual commentary. Yeah, like the tennis.

Yeah, sadly without Boris Becker.

I'm surprised Sue Barker doesn't sink her teeth into his thighs, aren't you?

OK, team, we need to get it out there that the police arrest backlog

is not a DoSAC FUBAR, OK?

The Home Office cut paperwork, there are more bobbies on the beat.

No-one to process them at the stations.

I doubt there are any major criminals on the loose, this is about paperwork,

it's not Con Air! I mean, I wish it was!

That to Peter. Oh, good morning, Minister!

How did it go with the DPM?

Oh, so that good. I've got to go.

Anyone read Wolf Hall?

I'm just shuttling messages between them.

I'm like a blue-bottomed fly, frankly. Ah! From Fergus.

It's the one set on a plane.

No, that's Snakes on a Plane.

This one is Nicolas Cage on a plane.

Heaven's sake!

Look, Phil,

every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern because...

that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process

their arrests quick enough, so why am I the one

who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair?

Since the inquiry DoSAC looks toxic and weak. They're trying to pile

all the Government's ills on us. Whose fault's that?

I said I'm sorry about the inquiry, OK?

I started writing you a letter but it seemed pretentious. If it's consolation,

I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at a swimming gala.

It's of no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.

Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon.

Yeah, you too. OK, bye.

Oh, God!

I just felt my ovaries cringe!

I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.

Peter, quick reminder, Think Socially,

the social enterprise scheme, we're launching it tomorrow. Sod that!

I need to keep a low profile, give it to Fergus and Adam.

Sorry, Han, can I just put you on pause there?

I'm in the minister's office. Oh, great! Oh, no, the proper one!

I'm just pausing you there. Mary Drake.

From the Home Office, she's going to come over, fancies a chat.

But I told old Iron Blouse that I'd talk to her presently!

What part of that sentence doesn't she understand? Just thought you'd like to know.

Don't want to be accused of being a barricade or anything!

ALL: Blockage.

Look, things were said at that inquiry, Terri...

They certainly were.

Well, can you just be a fucking professional and get Fergus in here?

I am an F-wording professional.

Wait, wait, Terri, can you give this to Fergus,

and tell him he's going to front Think Socially tomorrow?

Ah. Yeah, OK, err, um, Peter, may I just... No, you may not.

I thought we weren't talking to the Proclaimers.

We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't want

to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glace cherries.

Sorry. Can I?

Christ, you just can't flush her. Can I borrow her?

Yeah, but there's a fine if you don't bring her back.

It should be a fine if you DO bring her back.

Ever since this inquiry, Mannion and Fergus,

their communication has totally broken down. Yes.

Which is why we have the double stamp system. Yeah...

No decisions without a dual approval, what?

Occasionally, just because of a, well...

a time-sensitive decision, I have got a stamp from Peter,

but unfortunately been unable to locate Fergus.

OK, let's fast-forward to the bit where I don't want to eat my own lips off.

In order to prevent a Fergal paper jam,

I have stamped certain decisions

based on what I imagined he might think.

So, you have approved a policy that Fergus is going to launch,

that Fergus knows nothing about?

Sort of. Sort of, or sort of exactly?

Sort of exactly.

You're telling me that you have been running parts of this country?

What the fuck are you trying to do, prove the Mayans right?

Ha-ha! "Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me for two departments

"to fuck up on the same day?" "Yes, I can!"

So, this government arrest backlog is a really lovely gift token...

Mmm. The question is, what does Daddy buy with it?

Err, you, the daddy man, err, you could...

how about you point up the split between the HO and DoSAC?

Take the sort of, a "government divided" route. Nice.

Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone Mad Max,

and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a Gypsy wedding.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, I do apologise, excuse me. I need to take this.

We need to drop Malcolm. Right. I can't get on my high horse

about crime issues the day after my director of communication

may have, ie definitely HAS, committed perjury.

And I like getting on my high horse.

I look good on it. Like a knight.

So they're actually going to pursue this?

Right. Thanks for the heads-up, mate, yeah.

Listen, I need a police station with a lot of exits and entrances,

in case the press show up.

Sam. Sam, Sam. Brentford, right, OK.

Listen, Sam. Get a hold of Greg Fraser for me. I need some hard lawyering.

OK. Pink. Pink, pink flowers.

Pink. For my mother. It's her 80th birthday.

Lovely big bouquet of pink ones.

Lovely. How are you doing?

I'm bitchin', yes, I'm as busy as a two-twatted hooker.

Great. I was thinking, Malcolm...

Maybe you should take a bit of time off, just maybe tour the Highland distilleries,

or whatever it is your people do, you know? Take up stunt kiting.

Well, we don't take advice from a guy who looks like he gels his hair by sticking it up a cow's vagina.

All right, fair enough.

Here's an idea that you could pitch to Millertron 3,000. Yes.

Get him to go to a police station, yeah?

But pick a big one, right? Right. Lewisham. It's more impact in a big one. Yeah, yeah.

But make sure you get as many press there as possible. Yeah. OK.

Dan Miller is visiting a police station.

What? Why? Why, why aren't I visiting a police station?

Why didn't you think of that? Yes, why didn't you think of that? I did, I nearly did, OK?

I was about to think of that. Christ, it's like Harry Potter all over again.

I thought of that, I just didn't write it down.

It was Gandalf at school, but same principle.

Fergus has got an idea about the police backlog, just tell him. Yeah, I'm going to.

It is basically an issue of manpower, so we outsource, we get the private sector in to clear it up.

It's problem solved, it's obvious, really.

Yeah, yeah. Yes, you, yes, it is obvious, that's two obvious things you've missed today. Idiot!

Yeah, what do you think? No, I think it's good,

I mean, private sector dives in and saves us, it plays well for us. Thank you.

Till we get the bill! Cos we got no money.

Anyway, I'm just popping out to Tesco Metro, anyone want a yoghurt?

No, Glenn, no.

Ah, Peter. This War of the Roses with the Home Office?

It ends now. We want a united realm.

There's no vision in division.

Well, yes, there is. Anyway, tell Perkin Warbeck over there.

OK, people, could we briefly form a coherent group?

Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.

OK. Shields up, guys. Centurions, we're forming a tortoise.

OK. Terri. Think Socially.

Did I sign off on this?

Because I hadn't heard of Think Socially until I said it just then.

OK, er... So what is it? Simple explanation.

Love to hear it. Yeah. Very... Oh, God, here's Mary.

Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses.

Look, synchronise lies, all right?

Mary, hi, hi. Emma. We met at the away day.

I so enjoyed our mood play.

Yes. You actually did, didn't you?

Ah, you must be the legendary Terri.

I've heard a great deal about you.

Oh, please, don't believe everything that you hear. I fully intend not to.

Stewart, shakras balanced? Er...sorry. Tiny bit of housekeeping.

Terri, um, er...Think Socially. Just checking in on that.

Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double stamped, yes.

Mary. Great to see you again.

I'm here in an angry capacity.

Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary.

The message from the Home Office is this,

"Move away from the backlog, there's nothing to see.

"Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours."

Sorry to be, er...contrary, Mary. HE CHUCKLES

But, er...Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue.

Shut up. Let me tell you something now.

DoSAC is one rat's whisker away

from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office

and put in charge of cocking up the tea run!

And I like mine weak and white.

Like my men.

Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?

I will go and try and defrag this situation.

But I am staying strictly macro.

Subtitles. You need subtitles!

Sorry, er, Think Socially.

Terri, would you mind explaining rationally why I appear to be giving

a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?

It's not my fault, it's the double stamping nonsense, that's the reason. Oh, really? Yeah.

Because, right now, I want to double stamp on your fucking throat.

I'm taking that seriously as a physical threat.

You know, one of the many, many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!

What time are we due at the Mirror?

Oh, not for another hour. Oh, OK.

Got plenty of time to get into your Boudica mode.

I am woman, hear me roar!

Get your jugs out, get on your chariot.

SHE CHUCKLES

Crikey!

I think, given that I'm hoping to get back into cabinet at some point,

I might...keep my jugs in the cupboard.

THEY CHUCKLE

Or...I suppose I could always pop one of them out

if the interview's flagging.

It's an option!

Um... I did apologise, didn't I, for telling you to fuck off?

Yes.

Good. Because I, you know, I didn't mean it.

I wouldn't be here if I thought you meant it.

I've got plenty of places to fuck off to.

It's a big funeral home, isn't it?

KNOCK ON DOOR

M Tucker. Olly. Malcolm.

Um, we need to have a little chat.

You're not splitting up with me, are you?

Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know. You're not laughing.

Well, I'm laughing on the inside.

Which is a tad ironic,

because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. Hang on.

Sorry, er...you're going to be arrested at the exact same time

that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout?

Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me

because they'll all be with him.

So the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station

at the exact moment as his Head Of Communications is being arrested.

Yes! OK, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats,

thank you very much. Look, it's... this is what you have to deal with, right?

It's just another day at the fuck office.

So now, I have to step into your shoes, but after you've shat in them?

Olly, look at me. I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat.

The rabbits have fallen to pieces,

their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids.

So somebody else is going to have to help out.

Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm?

Who says that? Nobody says that.

Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that.

Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that.

But you are not me, Olly.

No.

And you never will be me.

I knew Malcolm F Tucker, sir.

And you are not Malcolm Fucking Tucker.

You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band.

And trying to be me, you?

Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months

before you're a washed-out, weeping alcoholic

with no fucking bladder control.

Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.

And so on and so on, it doesn't have to be like that now, Malcolm,

politics has actually changed.

Oh? Right. Yeah, yeah. And you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit

for the last fucking eight years Waa-waa-waa-waa-waa!

And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing,

and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all a bit algorithms now.

You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.

Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?

Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.

You know Jackie fucking Chan about me.

You know fuck all about me!

I am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired,

fucking dim-witted compre-fucking-hension.

I don't just take this fucking job home, you know.

I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed,

and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast.

Then, it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of piss

slammed in my face, slaps me about the chops,

to make sure I'm awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks.