Series 4 – Episode 1

Of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for?

I left it on the kitchen table.

Oh right. My bad, as they say.

You're a very tidy man, aren't you?

There's no happiness without order.

It's a Nazi quote but it stands the test of time.

When is Peter getting in? That nurse is becoming a bit of a running sore

which is ironic. Tickle? Mr Tickle?

Mr Tickel. He's not still in his fucking tent is he?

I know we only have one anniversary a year.

There's a clue in the name, I did do classics.

I'm not being chippy, it's a fact.

I'm saying Tickel. Tickle.

It undermines him. If we say Tickle it makes him look stupid.

I was at school with a guy called Timothy Burr. Either change school

or change your name, but don't get your mum to ring my mum and complain

about the lumberjack jokes. Why was she complaining? Err... Timothy Burr, Tim Burr.

I can't leave before my coalition partner.

Fergus, I told you.

Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.

I hate to ask but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus?

Yeah, somewhat.

Silicon Playgrounds are... is go.

I just hope Mannion keeps his baccy stained fingers out of it.

Don't worry about Mannion.

He's allergic to the 21st century.

Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus.

I think I'd better end this call now in case I get a brain tumour.

Precisely. I'd lose all my lovely thick hair. Can't wait for later.

What?

Yes. The whole protest is really taking off. It's a sensible policy.

If we sell off NHS key worker housing,

we can pay off the PFI debts. We haven't made him live in a tent, just sold his house.

The cold winter will finish him off. He's like bindweed.

Well, you know I can be romantic.

Haven't we... Oh, piss. Christ, I've been spotted.

Peter. Can we talk Tickle?

I'd love to, but I think Fergus was asking for you,

something about Silicon?

OK, well. Tickle you later.

Oh, she just made eyes at me.

God, I wish I could make redundancy at her.

OK, so we've got 30 of these bigger phones,

another 50 of those, these will stay outside dotted around. Morning!

Big day for the reception class. Well done you.

Ah. Oh, I'm not sure "App-ortunity" works.

Yes it does.

It combines app and opportunity.

(Yes, I know that.)

Just looks like a team name from The Apprentice.

As you can see, Terri, I'm noting down every one of your comments.

Excuse me,

you asked to see me for the launch of Silicon Playgrounds, no?

I have never asked to see you.

Terri, don't worry about us. Go and help Malfoy and his dad.

Thanks, Ridgley.

I don't get it.

Andrew Ridgley, Wham. Hitched A Ride?

Oh, contemporary reference. Yeah. Yeah, very up to date.

Bit like your hair. What is it you ask for? The Disney Prince?

What do you ask for? Err... The...wanker?

Brilliant. Oh, forgot to tell you, sorry. Stewart's popping in.

Fuck me. What's the Last Airbender want? He needs the... Excuse me!

Oh, Jesus, this came through yesterday.

Yes, well, it came at 6:05.

I turn off all my work devices at six.

After that, it's me, the Kindle and Jodi Picoult.

Silicone Playgrounds project cleared for uplaunch.

Boom!

Hello, century 21.

We get kids to create apps in schools,

we pay them a digital dividend, we foster a new generation of entrepreneurs.

Sounds like that third Tron film no one's waiting for. We'd better tell Peter.

Well, we could celebrate it at another time.

Technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year!

Oh, sorry darling I've got to go.

I think the bailiffs are here take my will to live.

Fergus, my coalition colleague stroke junior, big day for you.

Every day is a big day for me,

that's why I get here an hour before you.

I'm afraid the human snowman is coming in...now.

Stewart! Great. Ah, if it isn't Raffles the gentleman MP.

Why are you coming in together? Something we should know about?

We were married in Vegas, didn't you know? We're really happy.

OK, everyone. Meeting room, now.

Terri, could you get someone to bring me some chai?

I'm parched as a cuttlefish.

Oh for fuck's sake.

OK, folks. Today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72,

is Emma and I broke the fast this AM with the PM.

And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative

is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation.

It is a double double win. A double win for both babies of the coalition.

Absolutely. It's win squared. Terrific.

What, shall we do a Mexican wave around the table?

From my POV, re all this, big hurrah, we're ready to upload,

ie, let's launch the fucker.

I'm registering your energy Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...

the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.

Oooh... All my gallstones have come at once.

Are you fucking serious? What is wrong with you people?

Peter can't even right click a fucking mouse.

He can. It's track pads he has a problem with.

No, you come in here, like, Dr Robotnik,

and say "Oh, I'm sorry."

We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us.

I think we can, you see... We can.

Coalition's like a band. Every band has a front man.

He's Florence and you're... The Machine. The Machine.

Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth.

Ha ha ha. Was that a joke or...? Yeah, no, I was on the phone.

Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&E, everything all right?

No. Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders.

PM's orders. What?

Hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff.

This is fourth sector, right?

And I am the fourth sector guru.

I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know?

Me and the Inbetweeners.

The what? The what? Sorry?

You know that's what we call you.

We did all the work on this, us. We're a team, we did it.

And now you say we're playing a new game,

pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it?

I don't think so. This is bollocks, Stewart.

Come on, calm down. Just a second.

Just leave it, leave it.

He's going to have a heart attack, look at him.

Will we cope? Can we even carry on?

Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything.

The top line, folks, is this. It's about coalition, remember.

This is not about coalition,

this is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel.

You're a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner.

Don't bitch cos we don't let you carve the turkey. Let me say it simply for you, Stewart.

I don't understand the Networked Nation

and the Silicon fucking Playground,

gigabits, people watching television on telephones.

For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey.

There you go.

Peter, the Networked Nation is about harnessing

the interconnectivity of everyone in society.

It's a new way of thinking.

Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth,

ergo a healthy network.

What's so complicated about that?

All the words you just used. Oh, Christ.

Here comes Dennis Norden. Oh, he brought his laughter file.

I don't know if this is any use,

but it might give you some idea of the scale of the problem.

Look, I think we're about done here, yeah?

OK, let's wrap this up.

Am I in some kind of ghost story? I've been hit by a bus

and no-one can see me any more?

Everyone's really loving your energy.

Why don't you pilot the staff cuts?

Let Peter go down to the school,

bounce some ideas off the wall, see if the kids like the echo.

So, Peter gets to announce Silicon Playgrounds,

I get the elephants' graveyard.

I could terminate some of the staff here using combat techniques.

Where are we actually on staff cuts? Is there a shortlist at all?

Phil has a staff cuts dossier with maps and charts and everything.

I saw a guy out there who takes three shits an hour. That's not biologically possible.

Well, that's Graham. He has Crohn's disease.

I have a very short concise brief on Silicon. I can just email it to you.

Put it on a piece of paper and I'll read it.

One piece, we don't need that.

Glenn, you look like a week-old party balloon.

Yeah, don't worry about me, Terri, I'm fine.

I just don't want you ending up as one of those, "Before he turned the gun on himself," kind of guys.

That isn't going to happen, Terri, because I don't even possess a gun.

Is that all that's stopping you, lack of resources?

Ah, Peter, I'm expecting great things.

Then you're an idiot. Laters, legislators.

The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.

I'm going to put the old tea cauldron on. Anybody fancy a brew?

Risk of sounding like your mum. Time for school.

You need to get to this meeting. I hate school children.

They're volatile and stupid and haven't got the vote.

Might as well be talking to fucking geese.

The school's only ten minutes from your house. Pop round for a late lunch.

Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-soup."

I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?

Err... what about sexy undergarments?

No.

Perfume. What perfume does she wear?

No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons.

I do really need a comment on this Tickel protest, please.

OK.

"As we enter the third week, I find Mr Tickle's attention seeking,

"tent-based twattery even more annoying than in weeks one and two."

I can't actually say that. Really?

Then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.

All right. I'll channel you.

Channel me?

She's really quite predatory, isn't she?

Who? Terri's Clockwork Orange? That's what I call her.

For the other lady in your life. Where did you get that?

It was in my desk. I was saving it for something special. Like losing your virginity?

I've done that in style, actually. If my penis could talk. It would say, "I'm lonely!

"Where is everyone? Let me out of this coffin!"

Two years ago I was a fucking guru.

I give two fingers to Nick and what happens?

Lo and behold, a party with principles comes crawling

and begging for me, and then what do they do with their principles?

Shove them on the compost heap and join the upper class-holes

I've spent my career trying to keep out. Glenn, I need your help.

I want out. I want a redundancy package.

Could you just bump my name up the exit list?

I mean, just put in a bad word for me?

Yeah, sure, Terri.

Consider yourself redundant, we all do.

Sorry to interrupt. Can I have a word?

Sure, kettle's just boiled. I meant Terri.

(Sorry, Glenn.)

Just to keep you up to speed, Terri,

we're going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds

tonight at the Learning Centre at 7:00pm.

All right? And we just need you to pop a press pack in the

Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged.

Sorry, I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before six

so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? Terri, we don't need clearance.

We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking government.

I'm sorry but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything.

Was Terri in the meeting earlier?

Yeah, she was Fergus. I know she was there

because I heard her humming the theme to Call The Midwife.

Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol.

It's about the only thing he has been clear about.

The policy has been agreed.

This is just an additional publicity push.

Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive

but I cannot and I will not do as you ask.

Well, you can't stop me, Terri, OK? You cannot win, Nurse Ratched,

because this is my moment.

Now, you like musicals. Well, this is Tonight from West Side Story,

And I am going to bring the bloody house down

so you can't rain on my parade, funny girl!

Why don't you go and have a lie down and a Hob Nob

while we run the fucking country, all right?

Anything else?

No, don't think so.

Thank you, Minister.

Did you see me being deliberately less professional than usual?

You'll be gone by midday.

Yes! Thank God.

I don't understand,

what's the difference between upload and download?

Er, well you download porn although you could upload porn

but you'd have to, you have to make some porn first.

Does it have to be porn? Is it compulsory? Look, please, guys, can you stop saying porn?