Series 2 – Episode 3

This programme contains very strong language.

I'm the Minister for fucking Social Affairs.

Hugh Abbott. Problems?

Terri, explain that I'm the reason they're here.

So sorry about that. That's all right.

Amazing place. Welcome back.

Thank you. Welcome back to you too. It's ironic - were both back on the same day.

Although your reasons for being away were rather more...

important than my frivolous holiday. No...

It was fantastic though. You can't go wrong with Italy.

But how are you?

Really upset, actually, and sad about it.

That your father had died... Cos my father had died.

Yup. Anyway, shall we...?

We're upstairs.

..get a bit of a wiggle on, yes.

So, this is like a sort of governing mall.

There's actually a few problems.

The e-mail system isn't working and then the intelligent ventilation...

Intelligent ventilation?

At the moment we've got a wind tunnel in the asylum directorate.

Oh, no. Don't let any of those out as diary stories.

This is us.

Right. Bit too light and airy for my liking.

Oh, and these are awful. Do we have to have those?

They look like Alicia's Barbie furniture. Do you think they match?

Not with that dress. One of them'll have to go and I'd rather it was the sofas.

Oh, OK. Is this us? Yes, this is actually you.

Excuse me, isn't that David Dickinson? Ooh, nice tan!

I can't take all the credit, cos the sun did most of the work.

Not much privacy, is there?

We'll be moving upstairs in a week.

It's gonna be bloody hard to shoot up in there. Yeah, that's true.

It's just so pokey.

Hugh, we're not gonna be here long.

Hugh, Robyn's just given me the date for your appearance before the Education Select Committee -

it's tomorrow.

Oh, great(!) Oh, that is great. Yes, welcome home, Hugh.

Couldn't you have given me something a bit more cushy for my first week back?

A couple of lunches or a fact finder to Dublin or something?

That's the date they gave me. You can't change select committee dates.

So how did Liam get his changed to go to the bloody Test Match?

It's like sitting on a tea crate having chicken shit sprayed over me.

I mean, why do we want to close down schools for kids with special needs?

It's the one thing that I really do not want to do,

and yet, bizarrely, I'm the person intimately involved in doing it.

Robyn, go and see IT about the e-mail problem, please. That'd be great.

So now Terri's back, I just get all the dull stuff, is that right?

Pretty much, yes.

Oh, right, well, of course.

Well, I'll see you later.

Glenn, the Special Needs Bill, with your...

particular interest, I can't do this.

You know my views - inclusion is an illusion, it doesn't work.

But you don't mind if I go ahead with it? Of course not.

Look...you're only following orders.

Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard?

No, right, yeah.

Tomorrow, Select Committee, that's Ballentine, isn't it?

Who wants to go and watch Bollock-Vision? What?

Mr Malcolm Tucker turning it all the way up to 11 in the lobby.

The biggest problem we've got is guys like you blabbing their mouth off.

Poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place -

four ministers in one building.

It's his dream - a one-stop bollock shop.

We're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.

You understand me? I don't know what's worse - watching him slowly rumble towards you

like prostate cancer or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.

Oh. How's your sister coping?

So, this new word "citizenship" - did the PM actually outline what it entails?

I think he was making the reshuffle up as he went along and I think we were very lucky

that citizenship was the first word that sprang to mind.

We could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.

Problem is though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush.

With you not in place, every department trying to unload all the stuff they didn't want.

It's been like someone driving down Whitehall shouting, "Bring out your shit!"

and it's ended up at our door. So what are we getting?

Citizenship basically involves cutting pensions to the Gurkhas,

rejigging the protocols for rabies outbreaks, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly

that neither they nor we have any real idea about...

And everything to do with the Isle of Man.

Just what I fucking need - five new ways to lose my job.

Where did that come from?

Malcolm sent that.

It's far too big, why did he send it? Office warming present.

Why did he send us a present? I don't know.

Has security checked this? What for, tiny little terrorists?

Yes. It's a plant. Yes?!

So, citizenshit - what we need to do is knock together some nice,

touchy-feely, fondly, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra policies.

New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing?

Making special needs kids clean up graffiti. That's just very mean.

Well, yes. Not as mean as making them spell graffiti, that genuinely is very mean.

I'll go and have a word with Malcolm. OK.

You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.

Why? What...? Glenn's boy, Peter, he went to a special needs school. Oh.

Yeah.

Glenn's had sex?

God, you're such a prick, Ollie. It's just a joke...

There's more to life than having Nick Robinson's mobile number on your fucking Blackberry.

All right, fine, sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so...

Luckily, I was able to fulfil them.

God, you're such a...

Haircut? Chemo. (Knob.)

Did you enjoy the show? You were magnificent, darling.

Should I phone Keith so that his team can watch you bollock me now?

No, no. Have I got my bollocking face on? Well...

No, this is my bollocking face.

Ooh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.

Did I send that? As an office warming present.

Christ, she's a great PA, isn't she, Sam?

She always remembers the little people.

Look at the size of that - you could fucking crucify somebody on that.

So, what do you think of the new building, eh?

I can't wait to move upstairs because I don't really like the glass walls on this floor.

I just feel a bit exposed.

Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window.

Glenn, it's Ollie, he wants you to go through and clarify the citizenship brief.

How much, love? Sorry?

OK, I'm on it.

Catch you later.

I like the tan, by the way. Thank you. Have you declared it?

Staying at the villa of an influential friend? I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm.

You are my only influential friend.

And I'm not really your friend.

You're not really my friend. So, this Super Schools Bill...

You don't think it's so super, do you?

You're doing it now.

What?

That's your bollocking face.

You know, it's great you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid,

but no-one's trying to fuck over special needs kids.

Wh...Really?

Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark Ryan, and he...

The LSE education guy? What did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?

He said that closing down special needs schools

and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea.

But I've got an expert who will deny that.

And SEN parents want the special schools kept open.

Yeah, well, my expert would totally oppose that.

Who is your expert? I've no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon.

You have spoken to the wrong expert, you've gotta ask the right expert.

And you've gotta know what an expert's gonna advise you before he advises you.

Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill,

so what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah?

OK.

Surely, Mr Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children?

When inclusion's done badly, yes, you're gonna get bad results, that's a given.

Inclusion is an illusion.

Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right,

that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...

You spoke to Mark Ryan? Yeah, I was taking expert advice, so...

Expert advice from Mark Ryan? Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan?

In educational circles, he's a bit of a joke. That's another given.

Is it? NEW MAIL ARRIVES Sorry.

It's just that I'm expecting something quite important.

Is our e-mail up and running? No.

No, no, this is my Hotmail.

Sorry, can you excuse me just...?

We live in an inclusive society, am I right?

Indeed. So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create an ability apartheid for children.

The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. The minister won't be a moment.

OLLIE: Good spot for a suicide, this.

Good, long drop, appreciative audience.

What if you just broke your back?

You'd be paralysed for life and you'd still be depressed

about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.

What are these hangy-down things?

They're acoustic baffles, they stop it getting too echoey.

So when you break your back, nobody can hear you screaming?

That is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a PFI building.

MALCOLM: Hey! Get back to work, all of you!

I'm off to Number 10 for this Cabinet summit with the PM and wonky Ron from education,

try and swing this Special Needs Bill around.

If it drags on, can you phone home and tell Kate?

Cos she doesn't watch rolling news, because...well, she's a normal human being.

Yes, Massa, I's a good slave. Can I just say...?

Something absolutely, cataclysmically bad has happened.

Whoa, slow down, what's going on?

I've just had a phone call from a man, he's got a child, he lives in Reigate. Gosh.

This child, she is called Glenn after Glenn Close and her surname is Cullen.

She's Glenn Cullen. And this morning, apparently, in her in...

In the e-mail tray,

she got a note and it used these words, "Christ"

and "cunt"

and apparently, I sent it. No!

Anybody could use that computer.

Hugh, Glenn says could you head over? Yes, I must go.

Ollie was using it earlier.

You were using my computer.

Did you send an e-mail this morning about me, calling me a cunt?

No, no, I never use that word. No, absolutely, I won't use it

until it's been fully normalised and has no further association with the female twat.

It was you! We'll get to the bottom of this.

I've got to go to Number 10, but I absolutely give you my word. Good.

Look.

No, I didn't get any e-mail about Roy Smedley.

Was it funny? Kind of.

It was a bit sweary.

Look, at least he served his purpose - we've now got some very useful material to trot out in case

my bloody Ballentine wants to know why you've done a big U-turn and are now in favour of inclusion.

I haven't! I'm taking a fucking stand on this one, I'm buggered if I'm gonna let you down.

I'm gonna tell the PM straight up, this bill is a load of old bollocks.

No, you're not. No, but it'd be great if I did, wouldn't it?

Another little bit of my soul chipped away. Don't worry about it.

No, no, she's very religious... I never once heard her swear.

Hugh, the Guardian website has broken the e-mail thing.

The final edition here of the Standard.

I am suddenly a major news story.

Sweary Woman Of Whitehall.

It's a pun, isn't it? It's not really punning on anything, is it?

Not funny. How do you appear out of nowhere in a building made of glass?

I'm a shape shifter. Look, get this fucking sorted out.

You're not having a nervous breakdown or something, are you?

Get on top of it, OK? You will see me again.

Hugh, I don't want to be the story.

The Sun are running a cartoon with you being arrested by a cunt-stable.

Don't be such a bastard. Whoa there, turd-tonsils, we don't want any...

Hey, that's quite enough of that, just knock it off, OK?

Terri, come here.

Just fucking pull yourself together and act your age, we've had enough of your puerile influence.

Actually, Hugh, I think I might have an idea about...

Just... Just tell me, truthfully -

did you send that e-mail?

No, I didn't.

And you KNOW I didn't.

What? I'm sorry?

Are you...are you inferring that...? Implying.

You're implying that...

it was me who...?

(I saw you, Hugh, I saw you do it.)

It was for Glenn, for our Glenn, you know, to amuse him when that

prick man was in his office and I just typed in the wrong address.

It was a genuine mistake.

I didn't really see you, I was bluffing.

That doesn't bode well for your Select Committee performance.

I knew you were bluffing.

I admitted it because it's the right thing to do, not because you caught me out.

And I caught you out, cos you lied about seeing me do it. So, how do you like them apples?

Are you going to admit to this publicly?

What?! No, are you mad?

I can't do that. That mustn't happen.

You've got, I need you to, to...

What, to lie? I think it was Derrida who said there is no such thing as actual, empirical truth...

I'll tell you what Derrida said, he said, "Go fuck your face, Abbot!"

You need to mind your language, it will keep getting you into trouble.

Can't even get out of the fucking room!

Now to the meat of the committee's interest.

You've made quite a U-turn on SEN schools, haven't you, Minister?

Why have you sold out?

Sold out, that's rather an emotive way of putting it.

You are on record as having been very much in opposition to inclusion.

No, it's just that times have changed and I have reassessed...the landscape.