Series 1 – Episode 3

This programme contains very strong language.

..Ollie, did you see him when I said your thing

about the Opposition, "home is where the heart is"? It almost hurt! I loved it! He didn't even get it!

He did. He flinched! He was hating it! Fiddling with his catheter!

A satisfactory report-stage debate. Only three amendments in committee.

How many did Doug's piece of shit get at report? God, at least 200.

Then it got fucked in the Lords. It was more amendment than Bill, in the end. We're doing a press release?

Yes... "Following a successful report-stage debate, the Secretary of State for Social Affairs,

"Hugh Abbot, today announced...

"I'm the fuckin' daddy!"

There was a SMARMY piece in The Guardian, though. Did you see it?

Dan fucking Miller! Yeah.

"Ooh, all the work I've done on the Standing Committee." Fine. My pie is extremely large, as you may notice.

Pie for all my friends! Yeah.

"My Jacuzzi is king-sized and everybody can...

"plonk their asses on the bubble-jets..."

Is that from something? No.

Dan Miller is a junior minister and he's not done at all badly. Just a bit green. Now... You turning...

..a bit green yourself there, minister? What're you saying? What you saying? You saying I'm jealous?

No, it's just a...little thing.

You know those invisible lines...? Yeah. ..you just stepped over it... The problem with it being invisible.

..again. Um, I...

have...just been invited to... KNOCK AT DOOR

DANNY BOY! < Oh, lovely(!) Man of the hour!

..just been invited to...

Gorgeous! Lovely to see you.

Well done! You did so bloody well. Thank you!

You're looking well! Fantastic! Could you do GMTV for me tomorrow?

I'd love to do GMTV for you tomorrow. Dan... Thank you very much! Nice and early.

No, no, I don't mind. Thanks so much.

How are you doing? Good? Well, the debate did got very well and the bill's going through, so... Um...

I've got stuff I need... No, fine.

..I have been invited... How are you, Glenn? Good, thank you.

Actually... ..I thought you were heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it nowadays. Glenn.

You know as well as I do, if you're gonna make an omelette,

you're going to have to have frank and honest discussion with the eggs.

That's all I was doing. MOBILE RINGS

Hello, Malcolm! 'Dan! How are you doing?!'

'How are YOU, you terrier?' Listen, I'm just calling because...

'you're gathering a lot of very influential admirers.' Oh, really?

You're irresistible, you know that? You are.

I have a sort of feeling you're pulling my pisser. No, I wouldn't pull YOUR pisser, pal.

I know where it's fucking been.

'Listen, I've got to go, I've got Tom on my other line.' OK.

We'll talk soon. Thanks for the DVDs, by the way.

Oh, before you go, can you...? N...

Did you get bumped for someone more important? He's always doing that.

Gotta go. Squash game with Pete from the Treasury. Ooh(!) Ooh(!) Pete from the Treasury?

You probably heard. He cut us some slack. I offered him a game to smooth it over. Good luck.

I've got an appointment anyway. Cool.

Bit of supper with the Prime Minister, just the two of us.

Should be fun.

Oh, that's...very impressive. No, it isn't, it's just what we do.

It's normal. ..Well, enjoy that anyway. So...

Can I phone you back - GMTV, phone you later?

See you, Dan. Well done. Good luck. Thank YOU. Well done you,

well done everyone. Bye-bye! OK, bye-bye.

I'm not complacent, Tom.

Yeah, I know, we did take a hit over the focus group thing.

But it wasn't a BIG hit.

Oh, yeah? Says who?

Oh, the PM told you that, huh?

Oh, get you(!) Look...

I can only cook with what I've been given. It's like Ready, Steady Cook,

you give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash.

But give me Jerry from the Home Office, then I can raise it

to a fuckin' risotto and scallops, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, OK, bye!

Sam! Can you get me Terri Coverley and Glenn Cullen?

Make them an appointment to come over.

I think I've got to shout at some people.

Oh - actually...

get me John at Culture on the phone. I'll have a shout now.

Is this tie all right?

It's fine. I don't want to come across as some sort of... Sales rep.

Do I look like a bloody sales rep?

No, no, no... No. No. It's fine.

What ARE those...? They're little hippos, aren't they?

I don't know what they are, they're just unidentified amusing creatures.

Oh, I hate this! I've been called in for a bollocking from Tucker

just cos HE'S been twatted by the PM. All he'll do is...

spread it all over the office, then we'll be off. Exactly.

And we've every reason to be happy bunnies. Day three of report stage

and it's gone like a dream. Yeah. A GOOD dream, not one of those

where you can't move your legs. Absolutely!

Are you sure about this tie? It's good, it's funny. Funny?! (Terri!)

Fucking hell, this... No, it's not funny. Political breakthrough night!

I don't wanna get laughs off my clothes! She didn't mean "funny ha-ha". It's fine. No, leave it.

Fuck, yes! Wish me luck. I'm going without the tie.

Right... I meant to ask, did you stay in the flat last night? For about a minute and a half.

Kate rang. Alicia had an ear infection.

Obviously life and death(!) Infected ear, huge crisis,

hold the front-page Shuttle disaster(!) I had to drive 20 miles

through the night to be ten feet from Alicia's ear

which wasn't infected anyway. Oh.

And Malcolm's been on at me about the flat.

He thinks there could be problems with the Housing Bill. With you having a flat in Notting Hill

and living within commuting distance? It IS empty quite a lot.

The key-worker stuff in that bill...

(But I NEED a place in London. Everybody else important's got

(a huge, fuck-off, grace-and-favour pad. Why haven't I got one?)

I can sort this out if you leave it to me, do what we said, yes?

The sale but not-a-sale. Yeah, right, whatever.

LOUDER: Right, I'll see you later. We're off. OK.

Enjoy supper.

Enjoy your bollocking! HE LAUGHS

HE BLOWS

God's sake, I'm not gonna kiss him.

Good evening, Minister. Oh! Thank you! If you'd like to step this way.

Excuses, excuses! Take your failure like a man, Ollie!

OK, but next time - and I want a rematch -

Ah'm gonna take you DOWN, mu'fucker! Where are you from?

I'm from Lincolnshire - the windmills, the potatoes, the shit.

Are they...? What, an item?

Do you NEED me to suck up to you? You're a politician...

He made a pretty good just of shagging Angela Heaney. Could be bi.

A lot of them are, you know. Oh.

It's interesting seeing the dynamics play within the...within the staff.

There they are, look... Is he...?

He's seen us. Has he seen you? Yes. I'm...gonna go back into the office.

I think the Minister's ducking. He's actually ducked!

So what time does this Daily Mail hack get here? Ten minutes. It's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?

She left The Standard? Absolutely. Go, on, ask me some questions. OK.

I'll be Angela Heaney... It's uncanny!

Mind you, your tits are bigger. Is it true that...

although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with ease...

Actually, can you just do it as yourself? It's a bit unsettling.

Um... ..That you'd find a lot of difficulty in the real world?

On the contrary, this Bill will do an extraordinary amount of good

for an extraordinarily large number of people - ordinary people,

but people who deserve a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.

HE GIGGLES Perfect! That's Brilliant!

There you are, you see? Ask me something HARD.

Where's the Nazi gold, you donkey-shagger?!

I'm pleased you asked me that, Angela, and let me just say

this Bill will do an extraordinary amount of good for an ex... Ah.

Hello! Morning. You've showered off, have you? Showered off...?

Yes, thanks, Clem, we've showered off! You've been playing...?

Early-morning game of squash, yeah. I love it. fabulous game. You play?

Ah, I used to, but not now. I used to... At club level? ..Yeah.

Were you on the ladder?

N-No.

Anyway, time for us to go and meet Angela now.

Yes. I hope SHE doesn't bounce me off the walls! ..Anyway...

great to talk to you guys... Did you know Angela was in the building?

Er, yes. Will she be jealous(?)

Hi, Tom, what can I do for you?

..I DIDN'T know what he was doing with his flat!

I TOLD him that fucking flat w...

Well, they're not running with this!

Well, I know...he's got an interview now with that Angela Heaney,

the twat bubble from The Standard...

Fuck! She's just gone to The Mail. I'm onto it!

I wish you'd ask me more about the Bill,

it is an extraordinary triumph...

I am asking you about the Bill. Good.

Specifically about the empty-house management orders.

How do they square with the fact that YOU ha second property lying empty

that you won't sell? It's not technically empty.

I would've been staying there quite recently, except my daughter was very seriously ill. I've spoken...

She's only seven.

I've spoken to an Asian family who say they've put in four separate offers on your flat, all rejected

with no explanation. Well, OK...

OUT THE WAY!

Is it because they're Asian? No. G-God, no!

Where the fuck is he?! The goldfish bowl. Fuck!

No, no. I'm very glad you brought THAT up, because that gives me an...

opportunity to... Sorry.

Mucking about... Um...I have always m-maintained...

I am very sorry... Can I just borrow the minister for a moment? Sure.

Sorry. Be right back with you.

VOICES INAUDIBLE

..STUPID...!

..know what the fuck is going on?!

Angela... PRICK! ..can I get you a fresh cup of, er, coffee or...?

No, I'm fine. Would you like some tea?

No, no... No biscuits or anything?

..FUCKED...! Do let me know if you need anything.

Thanks.

..GET in back in there... DOOR SHUTS NOISE OUT

Ah...

Bit of a disagreement. Blimey. Yes...

Um, could you...? I'm just curious. Could you hear...? Because...

we were actually... We CAN be quite brutal to each other,

cos we're VERY good f-friends. Right.

Haven't been accepting ANY offers? No. That wasn't the point!

The whole deal was to put the flat on the market so if the press asked,

"Fuck off, he's selling it. Go away." Then Hugh's got a place in town.

Why the fuck is your girlfriend hitting us with this? She's not my girlfriend, Malcolm.

You won't mind if I kill her, then, will you? It'd solve a lot for me.

Hey, hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping this, you... If I could sweet-talk

that sour-faced bitch into anything, I would've had a better four months.

Just have to kill the BOTH of you, then, eh?! Yeah, well! That was a joke - a nasty one

which masks many negative feelings about this fuckin' department. MOBILE RINGS

Tom Davies. ..Tom! Hello! How a...? Yes. No, he was already there.

He was TALKING to her.

W-What's happening? How was...? What is happening? That was supposed to be a NICE interview.

What on earth did you say to her? I-I think I denied being a racist. God, I HOPE so.

You didn't go, "I have lots of black friends"? Of course not. I haven't. I haven't ANY. What did you say?

About the offers. I said I wasn't aware, someone else was handling the sale, I wasn't aware of any offers.

Hugh. Hmm? Did you mention me by name? Um...

Possibly. No, I don't think...

I-I may, in between denying racism, possibly have...yes. Thank you.

Thank you very much! Thanks a fucking bunch!

OK, so what's the line on this, then? I-I... I d... I don't know!

Why, what IS the line on this? I don't know! Don't look at me!

It's OK, we've got movement, we've got a break! What? The flat's sold.

What?! To the Asian family. For 40 grand below asking price. That's OK! Jesus, what is happening?! Malcolm.

What? We're too late. What?! All the papers have got hold of it. What?! The Express has been making offers -

at the asking price and also for £30,000 more. (Jesus!) Hasn't been accepted. We've got to stall.

This is madness. I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody.

They call the scandal "Flatgate". Scandal?! (Flatgate!) That's crap!

Crap name for a scandal. They SHOULD call it "Notting Hill Gate...gate."

Can WE stop saying "scandal"? You're joking. Are you joking now?

On my way to stall them. Yeah, GET stalling(!)

Maybe we could just blame it on Terri.

That IS an option, isn't it?

It's a FLAT. It is a SECOND HOME

in a borough with thousands of homeless people - that you have kept empty for ages!

Have you not read your own Housing Bill(?) God! I only kept it empty

for a little while to see my bloody family.

Obviously I should've filled it with prostitutes and rent-boys

and crack-cocaine pimp tattoo freaks! Thanks to Dan Miller,

the Housing Bill is a success. But this is BURYING the whole thing.

What d'you want me to do - resign(?)

No, no! N... No, that is... I'm NOT going, over this. The way out...

This is madness! ..is for you to... Malcolm, this desire for perfection

is... But I am not perfect, I am just a person, right?

And I need to sleep, need to eat and occasionally I need to take a dump!

What's next? Do we put THAT on the evening news, o-on the front page(?)

"Minister In Disgusting Defecation Outburst"! Mollie Sugden at No. 10 - did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?

They should just clone ministers so we're born at 55 with no past.

And no flats and no genitals.

Just a world of robots in a... It's like a futuristic film.

And YOU'D enjoy that. You'd be in your little space station

surrounded by...obedient androids

like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyberprick!

It IS possible to have a good resignation, you know!

A good resignation(?) I look forward to how you're gonna sell THIS to me.

Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early.

Steely-jawed, far-away look in your eyes. Before they sit in the pub going, "That fucker's got to go,"

you SURPRISE them. "Blimey! He's gone. I didn't expect that."

"Resigned? You don't see that much now." "Old school. Respect. I rather liked the guy."

"He was hounded out by the fucking Press!" How about THAT, huh?

What a way to go! Yeah?

(It's probably gonna be... It's gonna be Hugh that has to go this time.)

Yeah. WHEEZY CACKLE

SHE LAUGHS ALOUD

..Yeah, no, it is, it's very sad. Very sad.

OK, Tom, yeah... Yes, indeed. Two minutes, two minutes.

Tom's finishing up with the Prime Minister now. I'm gonna join them.

Yup. You might as well stay here. Yeah. Try and make it quick.

You sure it wouldn't help if I sat in with you? No. No, no...