Incident Reports

Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi had a

hand shandy, what ever, just fuck off out of my life, OK?

The man from Hell Monte, he say, "Fucking aye."

I just think you should have one, big square meal before you end up fucking

Sorry! Fuck you, get out of my house, get out of my house.

No wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper.

Bollocky bollocks. It's the Ghost of Christmas Shit.

Hello, Nicola!

We'll make a minister of you yet.

I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch.

Sorry I can't do espressos but I've made this so thick and black it will be like fucking drinking plimsolls.

Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this, it would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasise

the fact that I'm at the heart of government because it's fucking true.

What's next, Malcolm, Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars.

Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr fucking Prick Robinson.

Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone. What?

Hang on. Really pisses me off, the fucking phones in this whole...

Andy, hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes, what a delight to talk to you.

Really, because Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on a ghost train.

Give me second while I look up my file of things I really don't give a fuck about.

Newcastle, Nicola Murray, yes. She's still there.

So fucking can Andy Murray and get on with the fucking crime stats.

But he's an fucking tennis player. We're not asking Shane MacGowan, why?

Fuck me. What's the hell's this? It appears to be a trolley full of crime stats.

add you to the fucking figures.

Ah...Nicola Murray!

"Other theft", what the fuck is "other theft"? If you want to stay late or

By the Prime Minister.

Well, fuck a Pot Noodle. Sam, prepare my horse.

Hello, Terri. Morning, Nicola. Who am I, Terri?

You're Nicola. Nicola Murray?

policy on his fucking website?

Nicola, in other really bad news, good morning, by the way.

Great, thank you Steve "fucking Nicola" Fleming.

Yes, he is an fucking...

you're the fucking loutish prick.