Incident Reports

And fucking you.

Don't you apologise. Don't you fucking apologise.

I mean, fucking compared to No 10, this place is fucking tranquil.

Over there, 300 yards down the road, it's like a fucking cancer ward.

There are people who are fucking screaming at each other.

fucking disease."

"You gave me this fucking disease."

Hacks, hacks, fucking vampire hacks.

they're fucking slaughtering us and they want my face for a flannel.

And you know what, I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri.

I used to be a fucking pharaoh.

Now I'm fucking floundering in a Nile of shit.

But I am going to fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah.

All right. OK, Nicola.

Nicola, no. Nicola, no!

And here is Nicola Murray to tell you...to tell you more.

Nicola Murray.

Nicola, I've got to tell you that was one of the best

I've seen fucking Stomp.

It was a consummate piece of fucking incompetence.

What a fucking day.

Please mop up your shit and fuck off.

There you are. The BB Fucking C. Yeah.

That's why they had a fucking programme called Sorry.

Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh.

Turn the fucking phones back on.

The tennis player. No, the fucking pianist.

Nicola Murray nets Andy Murray.

Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image.

She could demonstrate how to do the hop, shit and jump.

What's FFS? Oh, for fuck...

It looks like something out of fucking Doctor Who.

I fucking love ghee, it's fucking freebase and butter.

See, if this is recorded spam, I'm going to hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.

Right, OK, I'm in Thailand in a sex bar. About to get an fucking facial.

Nicola Murray, slightly panicky