Incident Reports

Oh, fuck.

Tom is the man to lead the country through this difficult crisis. Right?

Then you get in your car and you just fucking drive about,

Nicola Murray is fucking coming. OK?

Get me a fucking Curly Wurly. Right?

Look at that gait. That's fucking class. Nicola Murray is back.

Does the prime minister have your full support?

I'm backing... I'm backing the prime minister.

The prime minister is absolutely the right man for the moment. Thank you.

Shit.

Yes. The prime minister, as I said, is the right man for the moment.

That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm.

Shouldn't that be of fuck's sake.

"The prime minister is the right man FOR the moment."

I told you to say OF the fucking moment.

"Nicola, I would like to go FOR a lovely walk with you,"

and, "Nicola, I would like to make a hat out OF your fucking entrails."

right now, that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him. OK.

Nicola, I know we're not allowed to take any calls

Sorry, Nicola. Just a quick cup of coffee. How was your husband?

He thinks this is fucking great.

"Hello, everybody. This is my wife, the prime minister."

"Hello, JB. Have you met my wife, the prime minister?

Nicola, I'm going to take off my media hat.

Who? Glenn and fucking Ollie. Where are they?

That's one of my fucking lines.

There's no fucking way that she can do it.

It's too fucking...

which is me being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act.

I'm sorry, Nicola, but...

How fucking dare you?

It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets,

Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets

that contain my living, breathing fucking brain.

They've been fucking stomped on.

Ben, fucking...Nicola.