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Policy Unit Press Office Incident Reports

Last updated: 11/10/2025 | System ID: DQARS-2024

Incident Reports

Official documentation of various crises

1,794 items

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Search ministerial quotes

Jamie McDonald

Terri Coverley

Screenshots

Screenshot: You don't fucking know what febrile means. No. You don't.

You don't fucking know what febrile means. No. You don't.

Screenshot: It means there are going to be hysterical journalists watching every fucking move we make.

It means there are going to be hysterical journalists watching every fucking move we make.

Screenshot: See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy.

See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy.

Screenshot: It's a fucking lockdown...right now.

It's a fucking lockdown...right now.

Screenshot: We are in a prison drama. This is The fucking Shawshank Redemption

We are in a prison drama. This is The fucking Shawshank Redemption

Screenshot: but with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.

but with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.

Screenshot: What, check? Oh. Fuck you.

What, check? Oh. Fuck you.

Screenshot: You know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, in so far as you're shit at both of them.

You know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, in so far as you're shit at both of them.

Screenshot: What? Fuck, it's George Alagiah. Is he here for me?

What? Fuck, it's George Alagiah. Is he here for me?

Screenshot: Nicola Murray will, today, use a policy speech to announce her candidancy.

Nicola Murray will, today, use a policy speech to announce her candidancy.

Screenshot: That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.

That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.

Screenshot: Come on, Nicola, you've got to admit, from the outside it's pretty funny.

Come on, Nicola, you've got to admit, from the outside it's pretty funny.

Screenshot: The prime minister goes away and you're dressed up as one of the ThunderCats.

The prime minister goes away and you're dressed up as one of the ThunderCats.

Screenshot: "Nicola Murray is staging a leadership bid. Who is Nicola Murray?

"Nicola Murray is staging a leadership bid. Who is Nicola Murray?

Screenshot: Did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?

Did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?

Screenshot: What are you saying? Just... Joan Rivers wants to be the new prime minister.

What are you saying? Just... Joan Rivers wants to be the new prime minister.

Screenshot: You treacherous shit. It's not my fault you're dressed up like a dead geisha.

You treacherous shit. It's not my fault you're dressed up like a dead geisha.

Screenshot: Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, OK, so we can gather our thoughts.

Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, OK, so we can gather our thoughts.

Screenshot: just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen.

just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen.

Screenshot: And get myself a sandwich. I'm fucking starving.

And get myself a sandwich. I'm fucking starving.

Screenshot: What did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time, stand up.

What did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time, stand up.

Screenshot: I'm telling you to stand up, you sack of fucking cum.

I'm telling you to stand up, you sack of fucking cum.

Screenshot: Stand the fuck up.

Stand the fuck up.

Screenshot: Fucking move. Right.

Fucking move. Right.

Screenshot: See that. Fucking play with that. Right?

See that. Fucking play with that. Right?

Screenshot: Never mind your fucking toys. Play with that.

Never mind your fucking toys. Play with that.

Screenshot: Go and stand in that fucking corner.

Go and stand in that fucking corner.

Screenshot: with a fucking rusty spade, I'll have your kidneys for fucking cufflinks.

with a fucking rusty spade, I'll have your kidneys for fucking cufflinks.

Screenshot: You are about to tell us some good fucking news. What the fuck is it?

You are about to tell us some good fucking news. What the fuck is it?

Screenshot: And the second bit is that the Mail is backing Nicola's leadership bid

And the second bit is that the Mail is backing Nicola's leadership bid

Screenshot: He'll probably come at me with a fucking Stanley knife.

He'll probably come at me with a fucking Stanley knife.

Screenshot: He is specifically very, very fucking angry at you, Nicola.

He is specifically very, very fucking angry at you, Nicola.

Screenshot: Just... Just fucking...

Just... Just fucking...

Screenshot: Terri, get the minister's car. Downstairs. Right now.

Terri, get the minister's car. Downstairs. Right now.

Screenshot: Why? Never mind fucking why.

Why? Never mind fucking why.

Screenshot: Nicola, I want you to go down there and I want you to pretend

Nicola, I want you to go down there and I want you to pretend

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