Hello, Nicola. Can I help you?

Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.

No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is.

Not going to get fucking... a present bomb in the face.

Ah, it's from the Prime Minister.

This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, eh?

your boss talking shit instead?

OK, how about, "I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?" Is that OK?

Hi, Stewart. Look, a little note for Peter, yeah?

Stewart, Peter's not going to want to do that.

so it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...

And from the Shadow Cabinet, the Right Honourable Peter Mannion MP.

That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings?

Let's leave that there. Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!

I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin.

and cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get.

in the past year. Peter Mannion?

Oh, fuck this! Right, OK, you do that.

I will go for a shit with the lovely Polly Toynbee. Stewart, hi.

Emma, poppet. Look, Peter is going almost violently off-message

Nicola, fourth. ..certain people as fourth-sector pathfinders.

Peter Mannion, the animosity between you...

Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision.

What? Because what I'm hearing here on the radio is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked.

Just...fuck, put Ollie on.

Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there and get down to 5 Live right now.

like a Nazi float at the fucking Notting Hill carnival.

Can you both fucking get out the studio now?!

You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out!

- Oh, hello, nice dinner? - Fuck off, Bagpuss.

because he wanted me to sat-nav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into.

I've done a list of the fat cats and bonuses. I wonder if you'd like to run this in to Nicola.

What the fuck are YOU doing here?

I cooked a lovely meal... Ordered, and it wasn't lovely. What the fuck's going on?

Do you see what I did there? Fuck off, man!