Incident Reports

you are a fucking omni-shambles, that's what you are.

You're like that coffee machine, you know, "From bean to cup, you fuck up."

Nicola. I did want to tell you that I did try to get a message through to Ollie.

Oh, shit. Yes, Malcolm, you know I have. I decided the minute you told me I had to decide.

You make a big noise to impress Nicola,

Then we'll all get some fucking peace around here.

Who's going to break the news to Nicola?

Sacked after 12 months, it looks like you've fucked up.

Sacked after a week, it looks like he's fucked up. I'm not doing terribly, am I?

Fucking idiot. I'd just like people to get to know the real me.

because at the moment I think I've wandered in to a cryptic crossword compiled by Rumpel-fucking-stiltskin.

Oh, fuck! Oh! Fuck! This is a fucking disaster.

and poking out our eyeballs with our own fucking teeth.

Would you all please just fuck out of my office for a long time. Very good.

If this has got any bigger, you are going to feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax.

I hope you like shitting toenails, because that is what you're going to be doing all of next week.

I've painted them yellow so they look like fucking sweetcorn.

The guy is a fucking liability.

What are you? A fucking penguin? Just run.

Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete.

You're fucking kidding me.

I'm fucking OK for bollocks, mate.

D'you know what's really fucking sad here

Which is for the best, because I'm going to need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your...

fucking flayed skin as a sleeping bag to a fucking normal person.

Come on, I'm fucking all ears. I'm fucking Andrew Marr here. So, Terri, let's hear...

I'm up for it. Right, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.

Yes, wise words from the distinguished, elderly, gay fucking tennis coach here.

Yeah, the fucking wee ball-boy's having a go now, with his wee fucking tight shorts on.

Oh, fart. I don't fucking Guardian, I don't know.

Shitting on the department? Will that work?

Complete top of the head stuff. No, no. I think this is about showing the real Nicola.

How are you finding her? Nicola?

Hello! Hello, Nicola Murray.

Hello, Nicola Murray. Ooh, this is all very formal, isn't it?

I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress.