What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag.

By law. You know the identification cards are coming in...

You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?

What if the announcement is...

there's no big announcement.

Oh... Wait. We say the Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work,

the kind of work that you people aren't interested in.

It's not media-friendly stuff. You're obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos. Sickos!

Every time we try and do it, we just carry on with our day, you don't show up, so we have to call a big...

Why bread and butter? On target, under budget... Coal-face politics.

Coal? Absolutely, yes, I like it. Not wasting resources. Let's do that.

Let's go for that. We trick them by...a tinselly thing, and they come along and then we say, "Ah..."

That's what we've been doing! We've been doing our fucking jobs! Yes, they never print that stuff, do they?

And you've come all this way. We've got you two hours out of London to cover this. You mugs! You mugs!

You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel.

You live in a country which is properly... There's not many countries can say that!

And we've probably got ten million we can throw at it. Yes.

That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot. Yeah.

I've got a thing here that says "springy concrete".

I think that's about the playground but I don't... "Springy concrete"?

Good afternoon. Should I say, "Hello, boys and girls"? Yes, very nice.

No, it's going out on TV.

It'll look ridiculous if he's on the six o'clock news saying, "Hello, boys and girls."

..Real money for real families... He's not patronising them!

Real families or real people? Real people! Families!

You see...families. Families sounds exclusive. It sounds back to basics. It sounds John Major, so...

"People" sounds communist. It doesn't! I'll say families. Thank you. Say "families of people".

Mr Abbot...

Great, you're on, here we go.

It's what you do best, mate. Yeah.

Well, that was a fucking disaster.

Well, that... Shut up.

Thank you.

Ah! Well done.

There's absolutely nothing in the Standard. Big fat nothing. Nothing? You've got away with it.

He's created a press conference so boring that none of the Press will even touch it.