It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support

of my party. You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.

'It is for this reason

'and with a heavy heart that I have decided to stand down as leader.'

Sam, get me Fatty on the phone.

Tell him he's won a hamper.

He needs to know the line and tow the line.

You. Bland fucking robot droid, clear that shit out of there.

We need to get a draft in here to blow away

the stench of fucking failure.

Somebody get me a fucking Fanta!

'The only thing I love more than my party is my family

'and I look forward to spending more time with my husband James

'and with my children Ben, Katie...'

And here he is, the anointed one.

Oh, please, please I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

I think Nicola's just finishing herself off here.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

(Nicola, Nicola this way this way.)

Oh shit.

Oh, God, here we go.

Do you feel you've been stabbed in the back, Mrs Murray?

She won't be answering any questions at this time, thank you.

Will you be backing Dan Miller?

Can you hear that sound?

Underneath the champagne corks popping, there's another sound.

The sound of the government's arses

yawning open.

Because we have got ourselves a superb leader-in-waiting.

Who's going to stick the boot into those coked-up

cousin-fucking chinless aliens.

CLAPPING

Thank you very much. We have got some work to do with you.

What will you be doing this evening?

'Will it be Dan Miller?'

'Thank you all very much.'