From Simon Cowell to Piers Morgan. See you later and remember my door is always open.

I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.

I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.

Hey, there's a reference to you here, Cullen. Where?

"Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference."

Elderly aide?

Elderly aide. It makes me sound like a fucking stair lift.

"Go to New York..."

Hey! Dora the Explorer. Still here then, Malcolm?

Time for a milky drink? Come on, come on in, I want to have a word with you.

There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you?

You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.

I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip.

Tomorrow, that will all be old news.

It'll be like the fucking War Of The Roses or Aids, remember Aids?

Listen, Nicola, did Julius mention to you about his inquiry?

Yeah. The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? Yeah.

You know the phone call that came through to me from your office about the whole idea? Yeah, yeah.

It didn't happen, right? You want me to cover your back?

I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on factor 50, why not?

I tell you what, this is what I'll do, I'll get for you some very

good press attention for your fucking healthy choices nonsense.

How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines.

You're in no position to give me anything.

You can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind?

Do you think I can't get it up any more, is that it?

You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart,

and not just plain Lazarus, I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right?

Yes, I'll tell Nicola to expect your call healthy choices sometime this afternoon. ..Well done, Malcolm.

He's very impressive, isn't he?

actually quite impressive. That's the thing about the evil, isn't it?

Their amazing work ethic.

How are the hacks? Ready to eat their own cocks.

not fucking Rangers' supporters.

I know they aren't.

I need 10 minutes, I need to Google some jokes about Andy Murray. Shall I go first? Warm them up.