audience with Peter fucking Bowles.

Tuesday meeting...

There he is, Screaming Lord Crutch.

I like the flunkies by the way, that's a very nice touch. A wee bit Graham Norton.

Don't needle me, Malcolm, not when people are under scrutiny.

I'm under scrutiny? Yes. Nosferatu.

That's really fucking scary. I'm walking on, we're moving on.

I'm Ian Botham, I'm walking on for hospice care.

How's it going with Lord...? I've not been in yet, I've been standing here for 20 minutes.

So if this phone call does come up...

No, no, that's a bit...!

Don't do that. I made it quite clear...

I saw... I thought Nicola was choking. She wasn't, she was laughing

retrospectively at your massive shiny head.

What happened, did you get heckled off?

Was the line "Taxi for Tom Selleck?"

Yeah. Can I have a quick word? Just five minutes.

So, Malcolm...

What is it? What's your problem? Have you fucking coughed up your own twin?

No, no, no, no...

I need to talk to Tom.

No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. Fuck off.

Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously.

Sam, get hold of Pat... Actually, I'm going to need that. That's an official Blackberry.

Fuck off!

Your five minutes starts now. Fuck off.

This is an acutely private moment, Julius.

Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to shit off for five minutes? Yes, it would it.

Julius... Can you fuck off as well! Excuse me. Julius, what's the deal?

At the moment, Malcolm is getting the sack.

Shit.

Now? Literally, I mean... I'm actually in the sacking.

Minister has to say about that?

Listen to me a minute, the Prime Minister...

supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next.

You, fucking Nicola, tell them, fucking tell them there was no fucking phone call.