I did get the joke, by the way.

(Well done.)

Good morning, good morning, good morning. I'm back!

I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am.

What do you think of the tan? What do you think about this shade? I call it custard cancer. Thank you very much.

Where did you go? I went to Easter Island.

I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiselling all the statues so they looked like Westlife.

How about a coffee? Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website,

there something you should see. Andy Murray's website.

Andy says, "Just agreed to lead the government's healthy choices campaign. Eat, live, be."

Well, fuck a Pot Noodle. Sam, prepare my horse.

I ride...to DoSAC!

Hello, Terri. Morning, Nicola. Who am I, Terri?

You're Nicola. Nicola Murray?

Secretary of State for Department of Affairs. That's right.

policy on his fucking website?

Ah, no, I know exactly why that is.

You didn't make the phone call, did you?

Nicola, in other really bad news, good morning, by the way.

This is about the crime stats? Some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns

out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain.

Marianne Swift at the Mail... Oh, swine-faced Swift.

That's the one. She noticed a drop in the figures for aggravated

burglary in the last quarter whereas when she checked it out...

There was no drop? Yeah.

Right, so Swine-face Swift and her piggy hack hog colleagues...

Exactly. So we are getting a lot of oinking on the phones.

So basically, what that means is the department, well,

essentially the royal you, seem to have massaged the crime figures.

Great, thank you Steve "fucking Nicola" Fleming.

Yes, he is an fucking...

ninny, isn't it? Bring my dispatch boxes. OK.

Carolgees, how's the wee comedy dog?

Welcome back, good holiday?

I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.

Well, actually, I went to Spain.