Malcolm never bought us coffee, I like him.

Yes, well, you like bath salts. You're basically an idiot.

Mmm-mmm.

Sorry I can't do espressos but I've made this so thick and black it will be like fucking drinking plimsolls.

him last time.

All right.

Right, OK. Off the record, right, OK?

While Steve is a useful tool, and I do emphasise the word useful here, I'm still running the show, right?

If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us?

Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this, it would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasise

the fact that I'm at the heart of government because it's fucking true.

I AM the heart. I am the ventricles

show. It's not for me to say.

No, you're still the star of the show, until they start wheeling out the celebrities.

What's next, Malcolm, Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars.

That's when you know you are 20 points behind in the polls.

Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr fucking Prick Robinson.

Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone. What?

Your nephew, Andy Murray.

On the line, now?

It's Andy Murray on the line.

What line? Press 2.

He's not there, Terri.

Maybe it was three. God, it drives me insane. Is he there now? Yes.

Hang on. Really pisses me off, the fucking phones in this whole...

Andy, hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes, what a delight to talk to you.

'Hi, Malcolm.' Ollie. Andy Murray.

Oh, good, we are literally confirming him as we speak.

Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities, right. It's just going to look bad. Why?

'Were going to look desperate, right?' Well, Steve Fleming likes the idea.

you're on, there's another thing.

transparent government initiative.

'Is that all right with Daddy?' It's fine.

Really, because Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on a ghost train.

Give me second while I look up my file of things I really don't give a fuck about.

And here we have under the letter N we've got, nail-bombing golf clubs,