You've got a speech? Right, well, no problem.

We'll have to get it cleared. Do you have a copy of it on you?

Sorry about your loss of your husband.

In the collapse of that, of that cafe.

What have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?

Fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face,

sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb...

You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?

I could take it more street if you would prefer.

INDISTINCT

..but you know this is...

I don't want to come across all nanny state and "death by chocolate

"is not a funny name for a pudding it's a real and genuine concern".

I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as

Mrs Sour Power Vinegar Tits Sucking On A Lemon. Fine. I understand.

So, we'll sugar-coat it. Well, leaven it ideally with a couple of jokes.

Yeah, all right, no problemo.

Now? Jokes now?

Yes. OK. How about,

we want people to be fit, not fit to burst?

I'll have to go down the slapstick route.

Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddy Star's Hitler.

These are the worst pictures I've seen, they really are.

I don't know who's taken them, Roy fucking Orbison!

Oh, Malcolm? Yeah? Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today?

Of course, yeah, I read Rob Holt's blog.

I read all the blogs because I'm an under-employed fat

fucking loser with nothing better to do with my time than sit

in my bedroom like a fat space hopper in a tracksuit

reading inconsequential unspell-checked shit

fabricated by other fat fucking losers.

Well, he's saying that the big health numbers in the PM's speech,

they're from a false sample.

Apparently, they're lifted from Andrew Dover's blog not from the ONS.

I wouldn't take any notice. There's nothing in that.

Nothing in it? Nothing at all.