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Terri CDepartment for Social Affairs & CitizenshipTerri C
Media speculation about Secretary Nicola Murray's leadership potential during the Prime Minister's international diplomatic tour necessitated strategic intervention from Communications Director Malcolm Tucker.
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This programme contains discriminatory language, strong language and adult humour
You'll have to bog off. Morning, Olly. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it?
No. If anything, I am hung under.
First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted, I'd say, until seven...
Yeah. Well, I do have a life, Olly.
Yes, but only in the way that jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life.
What was it last night, then?
Candlelit anniversary dinner for one?
Hello.
Are you still drunk?
No. I had to get in early anyway because the BBC man's coming.
Are you wearing trainers? You ARE wearing trainers.
Yes.
Yes. If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
I don't see there's any...
This colour for healthy breath.
Morning. Morning.
Do, please, let me.
Thank you very much.
Can I take your coffee?
Oh, no. I'm clinging onto that for dear life.
It will dehydrate you.
Good-o.
Mojito Murray, they now call her.
You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96.
I really love the division of labour in this place.
I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm.
Would you like some help with your make-up?
I'm wearing make-up.
So this interview, who's coming?
Ten o'clock news.
Who...Nick Robinson?
Not Nick. He's away with the PM on the world tour. No. It's Gavin.
Gavin Esler.
Gavin Boyes.
Who the hell is Gavin Boyes?
He's up and coming. In what? Gay porn?
my political career.
I don't want to do it to some Newsround press packer.
It says here, on Google, that Gavin Boyes
is the state wrestling champion for West Virginia.
The launch tonight, how many journos coming?
We've got confirmed, four.
ALL: Four!? That's one per sector.
It's not something we are ashamed of. We're not launching a new leper colony.
OK. No problem. I'm just going to go down and collect Gavin and his BOYS.
Welcome to DoSAC, Gavin.
Thank you. Gavin Boyes!
I'm Glen Cullen. No need for me to get up.
Right. Nice to meet you.
Seems very nice, young but...
Is this the way to the face-painting tent?
I was hoping I could be a tiger, maybe.
I told you you've overdone it with the make-up. With the lights, you do need it a lot on.
Take a bit off. I'm going to start slurring my words in a minute. It looks great.
Gavin Boyes, hello.
Just pop you over there.
We'll start with an easy one.
Just relax.
Yes. I was.
Nicola, just relax.
Secretary of State, could you explain what your launch is all about?
Well, Gavin, the fourth sector is really about empowering ordinary
people to give a little bit extra and thus create something extra...
I'm so sorry, can I just... just one second, sorry.
You all right?
It's making me tense.
Sure. Sure.
Sorry. Where were we?
So why is the PM doing this world tour thing?
What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he?
He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know. Is it a Malc plan?
It could be. You know Steve Fleming's back. It could be him.
goes down?
Oh, plenty of options, Olly.
You could be a beefeater. Do you want to be a beefeater?
Don't you worry about me, Olly. I've got contacts.
What do you mean, don't worry about me? Are you big in Japan?
What, what's that smile for?
Do you need winding?
I'm going to stand...in the election.
Are you serious?
Yeah. I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support
for the Ilford East long list.
Fucking hell!
You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be?
"He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that?
Actually, I'm pretty excited by this.
It's hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something.
I am strangely really proud of you.
The Prime Minister fully endorses my fourth sector initiative.
I know that's something he's really squarely behind.
not fit for the job?
I believe that Tom is absolutely the best man for the job
and I think we should all just let him get on with doing that job.
What's morale like in the party?
Sorry... One sec, I just said best MAN for the job, I think, didn't I?
I need to say best PERSON.
It's kind of the same, you'd have to be very PC to pick a hole in that.
You don't want to give the impression you'd like a female leader?
Absolutely. At some point, I would love there to be a female leader,
but that point isn't reached yet, you know,
and I believe the current prime minister is absolutely the best PERSON
for the... Yes. ..job.
Yes. Yep. Got it.
Best person for the job. You did get that, did you?
Yeah. You got the end. Yeah. We got all we need. Thanks very much.
OK. (MOUTHS) Was it all right?
It was perfect.
"person" and you kept going "Urgh".
I wouldn't give it a second thought, honestly.
to John Craven and Dexter Fletcher.
Right. So, Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
Oh, great. I'm flypaper for dickheads today.
three inches of make-up.
Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
Menstrual cycle, Ben on the 4th July.
Olly, put the kettle on.
Oh, the good ship Olly-pop, old lang syne.
How are things at the Department of Education, Education, Education?
Going at the foot pump mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
Robin Hood was a hero.
He was not a hero, he was a terrorist.
You're stealing from the education department, pumping it out as a DoSAC idea.
This Back On Track policy that you launched at your chimps' tea party last night,
well, that sounds very similar, very, very...
almost identical to my Unify Policy that I was working on here
til I was booted out by knicker face. Where is Jenni Murray?
Oh, God! Jesus!
She's just been doing an interview.
An interview for what? FHM? What's she done to her face?
She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. I'm really sorry...
Let's not talk about it ever again.
I will forget...
What do you want? ..everything I've seen.
Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative.
You don't like me, that's as clear as fish piss by kicking me out after you arrive.
Malcolm's calling. I thought he was
sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to.
He is. He's away in Spain. Just ignore Malcolm.
Ignore Malcolm?
What can he do? Olly, you're not answering your and I'm getting worried that you've hurt yourself.
I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head.
Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face.
Or you in a coma on a life-support machine
dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s.
Malcolm, I can explain.
Olly, thank God that you're safe.
Sorry.
That's from me.
What's Giant Haystacks doing here?
I am here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies, through Olly.
Is this true, the little man in the red and yellow car? No.
I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
Well, listen, I am telling you to unthink the unthinkable.
You can't even cope with thinking the thinkable. Why are you here?
Hello, Malcolm. You look a bit tired. You look incompetent.
Tired and a wee bit grumpy.
Well, actually, Lucille Ballbag,
I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview.
A bit late for that.
Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later because
fucking verbal cosh. Right?
Well...
And there it is. Didn't fuck...didn't fucking send.
It didn't send. Right? There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all.
I'm sorry?
That's the one.
That wasn't an apology, that was a "pardon, I'm sorry?".
Why aren't you on the Tom tour?
Yeah. I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour.
Big beast.
Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. Which is?
The Beatles.
divorced from
Yeah?
Anyway, this interview, right...
How did it go?
It's a small...
Sorry, Malcolm. Can I? Sorry.
for the job.
Yeah. Well, so what, it's the BBC, it's not fucking Spare Rib, is it?
I thought it might sound like I was the best woman for the job.
No offence, but you're not leadership material.
that outfit, but you know.
The BBC have put it on the website...
You saying that the PM's the best man for the job.
And they're saying that you fired the starter pistol on a new leadership bid.
I've got it here. "Absolutely."
"At some point, I would love there to be a female leader, but I believe
"that the current prime minister is absolutely the best man for the job."
No. I said "person" and you went "huh" over it.
This is bad.
It wasn't on a microphone. I know that.
Terri, get on to the BBC, fucking nuke them, nuke them and rebuke them. Yeah. Got it.
worse.
We're making them think we've got a live one. I just think we're overreacting.
No. No. No. No. No.
now. OK.
It's been a wonderful experience. I'll leave you to it. My work here is done.
You're staying here, mate.
I'm not... You haven't even got biscuits.
You stay here, right.
The situation is fucking febrile.
You don't fucking know what febrile means. No. You don't.
It means there are going to be hysterical journalists watching every fucking move we make.
the mains until the danger's passed?
There's a few journalists out there already.
See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy.
Yeah. Well, not in here, it's not.
Don't panic, Orca, we'll get sandwiches. OK.
How many are there there? Eight.
Right, people, listen up.
It's a fucking lockdown...right now.
We're not in a prison drama, are we?
We are in a prison drama. This is The fucking Shawshank Redemption
but with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.
Right, people, nobody move. Nobody move.
Nobody gets truncheoned in the face.
This is a lockdown. Right.
What that means is this office is now an isolation unit.
Do not use the phones.
come on.
I've got to go. Bye.
Terri. Yes. I'm here.
Come on.
Everybody else, stay Chaplin. Is that trainers she's wearing?
servant, not a playgroup assistant.
Steve, oh, the man himself.
Yes. What is it?
It's like wet play, isn't it?
Queen to knight four.
I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn. I thought you might be more
the kind to play Ludo, or something.
Do you mind?
Oh, what, can you not multitask?
What, check? Oh. Fuck you.
You know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, in so far as you're shit at both of them.
Excuse me.
Arh, that's what we need, yes. The one-man smarmy army.
Malcolm, is it George Alagiah?
What? Fuck, it's George Alagiah. Is he here for me?
I could lose everything now.
They'll dig out that picture of me at the sports day
difficulties.
Nicola Murray will, today, use a policy speech to announce her candidancy.
evening.
Permission to speak, frankly and off the record? Yeah.
She's an idiot.
I know that she's in the cabinet but that's like being disabled at a football match.
She's very close to the action but hardly likely to score a goal.
No. How is that offensive?
That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.
you went to Cadbury World.
Come on, Nicola, you've got to admit, from the outside it's pretty funny.
The prime minister goes away and you're dressed up as one of the ThunderCats.
CONVERTS LAUGH TO A COUGH
It's awful, some of the things people write on these comments.
They are... It's so cruel, isn't it?
"Nicola Murray is staging a leadership bid. Who is Nicola Murray?
She doesn't exist.
"I would rather cut off my hands than vote for that disgrace.
"Does anyone else here think she looks like Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight?"
Are you e-mailing?
Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came in to DoSAC today?
Did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
No.
Yes. A bit.
What are you saying? Just... Joan Rivers wants to be the new prime minister.
Have a look at this clip of her online staking her bid.
You treacherous shit. It's not my fault you're dressed up like a dead geisha.
Why are you doing this?
Because I'm bored, it's funny and I hate you. The holy trinity of why.
cushion.
Right. Bit of good news.
What? Two bits, actually.
Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, OK, so we can gather our thoughts.
get to your station.
I want to hear the word on the street.
All right. Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out.
Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.
I don't mind going out there now and telling them all
just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen.
And get myself a sandwich. I'm fucking starving.
What did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time, stand up.
I'm telling you to stand up, you sack of fucking cum.
Stand the fuck up.
Fucking move. Right.
See that. Fucking play with that. Right?
Never mind your fucking toys. Play with that.
Go and stand in that fucking corner.
Stand over there. Right?
you...
with a fucking rusty spade, I'll have your kidneys for fucking cufflinks.
Terri, good news, I believe.
You are about to tell us some good fucking news. What the fuck is it?
Right. Yeah. OK. Well, according to my online tracker, the pizza is here.
And the second bit is that the Mail is backing Nicola's leadership bid
because of the stand she's taken against shoddy journalism at the BBC.
What? No wonder George Alagiah's here.
He'll probably come at me with a fucking Stanley knife.
Malcolm.
What do we do now?
Hello. Say something.
MOBILE RINGS
Oh, Steve. Hi, there.
I'm going to slip into a diabetic coma at this rate.
MOBILE RINGS
Better take this elsewhere.
Ben, you don't have your magic drawer any more.
I think I might. What? I think I do.
It's been four months, Ben. It can't still be there.
Who's going to know? I've hidden it under... Well, I know.
Get in! Sweet giver of blood sugar.
Right. I'm going to go down, personally, and pick up the pizza myself.
Can you do savoury after sweet?
Yes. Right. OK.
Tom is as mad as a dickless dog. Right?
He is specifically very, very fucking angry at you, Nicola.
Oh, fantastic(!)
Then we should cancel tonight.
Tonight. What's tonight?
It's the fourth sector. It's my fourth sector launch.
He's going down to the room.
Just... Just fucking...
One at a time. Right?
Terri, get the minister's car. Downstairs. Right now.
Why? Never mind fucking why.
Come on.
Nicola, I want you to go down there and I want you to pretend
that you've got an appointment to go to and this is what you say. Right?
Say? You are not challenging Tom, at all.
Oh, fuck.
Tom is the man to lead the country through this difficult crisis. Right?
Tom is the man of the moment.
Then you get in your car and you just fucking drive about,
do some sightseeing, attach a hosepipe to the exhaust, whatever.
Nicola Murray is fucking coming. OK?
Get me a fucking Curly Wurly. Right?
Would you like a bit of concealer? No. No!
This is it. It'll work. Get out there. He's the man of the moment.
You've got the confidence. That's it.
He's the man of the moment.
Look at that gait. That's fucking class. Nicola Murray is back.
She's back. She's back on track.
It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted.
A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder. Your hands have got bigger.
I'm going for it. OK.
ALL CLAMOUR: Mrs Murray. Mrs Murray. Mrs Murray.
Does the prime minister have your full support?
He absolutely does. Yes.
Does Mr Cullen have your support, too?
Yes. Sorry, what?
Glenn Cullen. Do you know his campaign to be an MP?
'I don't know what that's about.'
I'm backing... I'm backing the prime minister.
The prime minister is absolutely the right man for the moment. Thank you.
Not for the moment! That's the worst possible thing that you could say.
Terry, get the dozy giblet back in here. Get her back in here.
Don't let her get in the car.
Malcolm wants you back out there.
Shit.
I've got pizza in there.
Thank you. Thank you.
Have you changed your mind? Does he have your full backing?
Yes. The prime minister, as I said, is the right man for the moment.
Not again.
NOISE OF MEDIA SCRUM CONTINUES
First-class media work, there.
Pizza!
That's good. Well done.
That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm.
Shouldn't that be of fuck's sake.
I don't know what you're talking about.
May I just quote it to you.
"The prime minister is the right man FOR the moment."
That's what you told me to say.
"OF the moment." "OF the moment."
I told you to say OF the fucking moment.
saying to you,
"Nicola, I would like to go FOR a lovely walk with you,"
and, "Nicola, I would like to make a hat out OF your fucking entrails."
Excuse me.
Steven.
Yes. Well, you can tell Tom,
right now, that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him. OK.
Glenn, here's a thing. Apparently, you're going to be an MP.
You didn't talk to me about that.
He's not standing, don't be silly. Tell her. Put her out of her misery.
Go on. Tell me more. Terri, can I just get a word in?
Look at this, takeaway and a fight.
All I need now is a hand job in a bus shelter,
I've had the great British night out.
Excuse me. I'm off for a doze.
Nicola, I know we're not allowed to take any calls
but this is your husband.
Thank you.
James. Do you actually even know me, James?
Do you even know who I am?
I think it's shut-up time, now, James. So, one last thing.
When I promised to love, honour and obey you,
it was a massive practical joke.
Hi. Yes.
Sorry, Nicola. Just a quick cup of coffee. How was your husband?
Sounds a bit upset, is he?
Upset? No. He wants me to stand.
He thinks this is fucking great.
He just wants to show off about me to the rugby club dinner.
"Hello, everybody. This is my wife, the prime minister."
"Hello, JB. Have you met my wife, the prime minister?
"How's your wife, the little lady?"
It's nice that he's being supportive.
He's not being supportive.
James is...he is not a supporting wall.
He is a partition and I'm going to have him knocked through.
Nicola, I'm going to take off my media hat.
I honestly never thought you had one.
Have you thought about couples' counselling?
Urghh.
Yes. Look. James will not go to Relate and
even if he did, George Alagiah would
be outside with a big News 24 cup pressed against the wall.
Well, you know, it can work wonders.
Can it? OK.
You're speaking from experience, are you?
Well, I mean, I keep my professional life very, very separate
from my home life, obviously.
Yeah.
I always say what goes on behind my front door
stays behind my front door. That is my motto. So... Yeah.
My motto would be...
Terri?
Well, I did just bring you a cup.
I got that one, registered that and would love another one.
It's just that kind of a day.
Right. Where's Hale and Pacemaker?
Who? Glenn and fucking Ollie. Where are they?
I don't know.
I need them back here, anyway, for the launch.
For the launch.
The launch. The fourth...the fourth
The fourth sector launch, Malcolm.
Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal.
That's one of my fucking lines.
There is a launch party tonight, a load of press are coming and I
haven't even started my speech. I don't know how to start my speech.
Just start with a joke, you know. They all like a joke.
I'll start with a joke. Great advice. Thanks, Malcolm.
Malcolm, this launch, is it something that should really happen?
We can't cancel it, can we? But she can't do it.
There's no fucking way that she can do it.
It's too fucking...
We'll have to get a stunt double. Ben.
He can do it in drag. It'll be fine.
tranny, anyway.
I really don't think that's a good idea, Malcolm.
Terri, I thought we had a deal.
Right. When I need your advice, I'll give you the special signal
which is me being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act.
Ben, let me help you. What about some make-up?
make-up.
Are you on commission or something?
Right. Well, that's it. That's my fourth sector speech.
Not so fast.
I'm sorry, Nicola, but...
no, no, you're not doing the launch.
I can't have you launching things at this moment in time. Come on.
I have to do this. Who else is going to launch it?
Ben is going to be announcing the fourth sector...
No. No. No. No. No. Yes.
Although it might be difficult to smash a champagne bottle on a turd.
Just let me try and communicate here.
Malcolm, it's hard for me to say this, but I'm afraid...
the thing is, a lot of calls you've made today, they've been
off, wrong, not the right calls.
OK. I'll give you some examples cos I can see that that's tough.
OK. First one, you didn't even send that email. It was still in drafts.
OK. Then secondly, it was you that told me to
make that big attack on the BBC.
And I'm afraid we did look silly
running around outside, getting in and out of a car.
Look, Malcolm, I know that Steve Fleming's come back on the scene.
Are you feeling emasculated by that?
It's like you're a Catherine Wheel and you fell off the stick.
You're going... but not in the right way.
I think you're wrong, Malcolm.
You're like a sultana in a salad.
Terri, can we have a word?
How fucking dare you?
Have you any idea of the amount of pressure
that has been exerted on my skull?
It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets,
into crisp packets.
Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets
that contain my living, breathing fucking brain.
Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I...
And these crisp packets, cheese and onion, smoky bacon,
they've been stomped on.
They've been fucking stomped on.
Ben, fucking...Nicola.
I didn't mean to be horrid.
And fucking you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No. I'm over it. OK.
Don't you apologise. Don't you fucking apologise.
You don't need to apologise. I love this place, I do.
I mean, fucking compared to No 10, this place is fucking tranquil.
Yeah.
Over there, 300 yards down the road, it's like a fucking cancer ward.
There are people who are fucking screaming at each other.
fucking disease."
"You gave me this fucking disease."
And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri.
Hacks, hacks, fucking vampire hacks.
And they're slaughtering us, Terri,
they're fucking slaughtering us and they want my face for a flannel.
And you know what, I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri.
I used to be a fucking pharaoh.
Now I'm fucking floundering in a Nile of shit.
But I am going to fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah.
Mmm. Good idea.
I'm not going down.
I am not going down. Yeah?
Yeah.
How are you feeling about things?
Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and you know, make sure I can
still get home by six o'clock.
Do you want a hug?
No. No. I think... that's nice of you. I really appreciate it.
Terri, it's been nice to have a chat but I've got to get on.
OK. Yeah.
Let's get back on track, as they say.
All right. OK, Nicola.
See you in your office, please.
What did he say?
Don't know. It was all about ancient Egypt.
Ancient Egypt. Yeah.
The fourth sector. What is the fourth sector, you seem to ask?
A good question. That's a really good question.
I reply. Well, let's start at the...
Ben is doing the best he can.
Is he?
There are four...the fourth. There are four sectors.
Imagine that a cake that has been cut into four slices.
The cake of good hope.
Malcolm? Don't go for it.
Yes. Yes.
Are you sure that's wise? Cover me.
No. No!
Nicola, no. Nicola, no!
...a valuable, a valuable contribution to society
with all four sectors of the cake.
And here is Nicola Murray to tell you...to tell you more.
Nicola Murray.
Hello. Hi. No need to stand, as the PM said to me this morning.
A colleague of mine said you should always start with a joke.
One other thing, just about earlier on with the thing with the car,
that was all a bit odd.
The explanation is I suffer from carsickness and sometimes
I get ill even in a stationary car.
I actually once threw up watching an edition of Top Gear,
but that was chiefly because I don't like Jeremy Paxman, Clark...
Clarkson, isn't it?
Anyway, the fourth sector is something I feel very passionate
about so let me try and explain it to you.
I don't know if Ben's talked to you about the cake image.
Let's imagine I'm a mum, cos I am,
and I'm trying to bake a cake for my children.
And my aim is to bake a cake that actually can consume itself
cos that in a sense is what the fourth sector is doing.
We're baking a self-eating cake.
which I can't quite read
because I wrote them in a hurry, so the point is, this leaflet tells you
all you need to know.
Actually, you don't need me wittering so help yourself
to the literature, help yourself to...
we haven't got a cake, cos it's eaten itself...
but we have got nuts.
Sorry, we haven't got any nuts, we've just got Skips.
We've got no nuts. DoSAC has no nuts.
There's a headline. Please don't use it.
Sorry I missed it. Did it go well?
No.
Well, more good news.
I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed
by the U-boat that was you.
The selection committee decided that my association
with you was too divisive.
The dream is over, eh?
I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary.
It's a great loss to regional politics, for sure.
By flying so close to your bright sun, like Icarus,
I have crashed to the earth and died.
Nicola, I've got to tell you that was one of the best
live performances I've ever seen.
I've seen fucking Stomp.
It was a consummate piece of fucking incompetence.
Take the heat off.
The blog's updating.
Am I still leadership contender?
No. Not at all.
Well, good. Good.
Not even an outsider. No.
What are they saying?
You don't really want to know what they're saying. Not exactly.
Sorry.
What a fucking day.
Ladies and gentlemen, the DoSAC protest is now over.
Please mop up your shit and fuck off.
Good news. The BBC's going to issue an apology
for the way they edited the video.
There you are. The BB Fucking C. Yeah.
I mean, they crumble at the first sign of pressure,
like an old woman's hip.
That's why they had a fucking programme called Sorry.
Right. The PM is coming home early.
He's asked for an audience with Senor Malcolm Tucker,
so I'm getting my paddle, Terri.
I'm getting my paddle.
Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh.
Yeah. Sure.
Make sure Ben does.
Oh, and Glenn, Glenn, I've got a very special task for you,
my unelectable friend.
What's that?
Turn the fucking phones back on.
Night, Malcolm.