Series 3 – Episode 6

This programme contains discriminatory language, strong language and adult humour

You'll have to bog off. Morning, Olly. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it?

No. If anything, I am hung under.

First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted, I'd say, until seven...

Yeah. Well, I do have a life, Olly.

Yes, but only in the way that jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life.

What was it last night, then?

Candlelit anniversary dinner for one?

Hello.

Are you still drunk?

No. I had to get in early anyway because the BBC man's coming.

Are you wearing trainers? You ARE wearing trainers.

Yes.

Yes. If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.

I don't see there's any...

This colour for healthy breath.

Morning. Morning.

Do, please, let me.

Thank you very much.

Can I take your coffee?

Oh, no. I'm clinging onto that for dear life.

It will dehydrate you.

Good-o.

Mojito Murray, they now call her.

You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96.

I really love the division of labour in this place.

I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm.

Would you like some help with your make-up?

I'm wearing make-up.

So this interview, who's coming?

Ten o'clock news.

Who...Nick Robinson?

Not Nick. He's away with the PM on the world tour. No. It's Gavin.

Gavin Esler.

Gavin Boyes.

Who the hell is Gavin Boyes?

He's up and coming. In what? Gay porn?

my political career.

I don't want to do it to some Newsround press packer.

It says here, on Google, that Gavin Boyes

is the state wrestling champion for West Virginia.

The launch tonight, how many journos coming?

We've got confirmed, four.

ALL: Four!? That's one per sector.

It's not something we are ashamed of. We're not launching a new leper colony.

OK. No problem. I'm just going to go down and collect Gavin and his BOYS.

Welcome to DoSAC, Gavin.

Thank you. Gavin Boyes!

I'm Glen Cullen. No need for me to get up.

Right. Nice to meet you.

Seems very nice, young but...

Is this the way to the face-painting tent?

I was hoping I could be a tiger, maybe.

I told you you've overdone it with the make-up. With the lights, you do need it a lot on.

Take a bit off. I'm going to start slurring my words in a minute. It looks great.

Gavin Boyes, hello.

Just pop you over there.

We'll start with an easy one.

Just relax.

Yes. I was.

Nicola, just relax.

Secretary of State, could you explain what your launch is all about?

Well, Gavin, the fourth sector is really about empowering ordinary

people to give a little bit extra and thus create something extra...

I'm so sorry, can I just... just one second, sorry.

You all right?

It's making me tense.

Sure. Sure.

Sorry. Where were we?

So why is the PM doing this world tour thing?

What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he?

He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know. Is it a Malc plan?

It could be. You know Steve Fleming's back. It could be him.

goes down?

Oh, plenty of options, Olly.

You could be a beefeater. Do you want to be a beefeater?

Don't you worry about me, Olly. I've got contacts.

What do you mean, don't worry about me? Are you big in Japan?

What, what's that smile for?

Do you need winding?

I'm going to stand...in the election.

Are you serious?

Yeah. I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support

for the Ilford East long list.

Fucking hell!

You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be?

"He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that?

Actually, I'm pretty excited by this.

It's hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something.

I am strangely really proud of you.

The Prime Minister fully endorses my fourth sector initiative.

I know that's something he's really squarely behind.

not fit for the job?

I believe that Tom is absolutely the best man for the job

and I think we should all just let him get on with doing that job.

What's morale like in the party?

Sorry... One sec, I just said best MAN for the job, I think, didn't I?

I need to say best PERSON.

It's kind of the same, you'd have to be very PC to pick a hole in that.

You don't want to give the impression you'd like a female leader?

Absolutely. At some point, I would love there to be a female leader,

but that point isn't reached yet, you know,

and I believe the current prime minister is absolutely the best PERSON

for the... Yes. ..job.

Yes. Yep. Got it.

Best person for the job. You did get that, did you?

Yeah. You got the end. Yeah. We got all we need. Thanks very much.

OK. (MOUTHS) Was it all right?

It was perfect.

"person" and you kept going "Urgh".

I wouldn't give it a second thought, honestly.

to John Craven and Dexter Fletcher.

Right. So, Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.

Oh, great. I'm flypaper for dickheads today.

three inches of make-up.

Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.

Menstrual cycle, Ben on the 4th July.

Olly, put the kettle on.

Oh, the good ship Olly-pop, old lang syne.

How are things at the Department of Education, Education, Education?

Going at the foot pump mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.

Robin Hood was a hero.

He was not a hero, he was a terrorist.

You're stealing from the education department, pumping it out as a DoSAC idea.

This Back On Track policy that you launched at your chimps' tea party last night,

well, that sounds very similar, very, very...

almost identical to my Unify Policy that I was working on here

til I was booted out by knicker face. Where is Jenni Murray?

Oh, God! Jesus!

She's just been doing an interview.

An interview for what? FHM? What's she done to her face?

She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. I'm really sorry...

Let's not talk about it ever again.

I will forget...

What do you want? ..everything I've seen.

Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative.

You don't like me, that's as clear as fish piss by kicking me out after you arrive.

Malcolm's calling. I thought he was

sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to.

He is. He's away in Spain. Just ignore Malcolm.

Ignore Malcolm?

What can he do? Olly, you're not answering your and I'm getting worried that you've hurt yourself.

I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head.

Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face.

Or you in a coma on a life-support machine

dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s.

Malcolm, I can explain.

Olly, thank God that you're safe.

Sorry.

That's from me.

What's Giant Haystacks doing here?

I am here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies, through Olly.

Is this true, the little man in the red and yellow car? No.

I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.

Well, listen, I am telling you to unthink the unthinkable.

You can't even cope with thinking the thinkable. Why are you here?

Hello, Malcolm. You look a bit tired. You look incompetent.

Tired and a wee bit grumpy.

Well, actually, Lucille Ballbag,

I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview.

A bit late for that.

Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later because

fucking verbal cosh. Right?

Well...

And there it is. Didn't fuck...didn't fucking send.

It didn't send. Right? There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all.

I'm sorry?

That's the one.

That wasn't an apology, that was a "pardon, I'm sorry?".

Why aren't you on the Tom tour?

Yeah. I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour.

Big beast.

Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. Which is?

The Beatles.

divorced from

Yeah?

Anyway, this interview, right...

How did it go?

It's a small...

Sorry, Malcolm. Can I? Sorry.

for the job.

Yeah. Well, so what, it's the BBC, it's not fucking Spare Rib, is it?

I thought it might sound like I was the best woman for the job.

No offence, but you're not leadership material.

that outfit, but you know.

The BBC have put it on the website...

You saying that the PM's the best man for the job.

And they're saying that you fired the starter pistol on a new leadership bid.

I've got it here. "Absolutely."

"At some point, I would love there to be a female leader, but I believe

"that the current prime minister is absolutely the best man for the job."

No. I said "person" and you went "huh" over it.

This is bad.

It wasn't on a microphone. I know that.

Terri, get on to the BBC, fucking nuke them, nuke them and rebuke them. Yeah. Got it.

worse.

We're making them think we've got a live one. I just think we're overreacting.

No. No. No. No. No.

now. OK.

It's been a wonderful experience. I'll leave you to it. My work here is done.

You're staying here, mate.

I'm not... You haven't even got biscuits.

You stay here, right.

The situation is fucking febrile.

You don't fucking know what febrile means. No. You don't.

It means there are going to be hysterical journalists watching every fucking move we make.

the mains until the danger's passed?

There's a few journalists out there already.

See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy.

Yeah. Well, not in here, it's not.

Don't panic, Orca, we'll get sandwiches. OK.

How many are there there? Eight.

Right, people, listen up.

It's a fucking lockdown...right now.

We're not in a prison drama, are we?

We are in a prison drama. This is The fucking Shawshank Redemption

but with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.

Right, people, nobody move. Nobody move.

Nobody gets truncheoned in the face.

This is a lockdown. Right.

What that means is this office is now an isolation unit.

Do not use the phones.

come on.

I've got to go. Bye.

Terri. Yes. I'm here.

Come on.

Everybody else, stay Chaplin. Is that trainers she's wearing?

servant, not a playgroup assistant.

Steve, oh, the man himself.

Yes. What is it?

It's like wet play, isn't it?

Queen to knight four.

I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn. I thought you might be more

the kind to play Ludo, or something.

Do you mind?

Oh, what, can you not multitask?

What, check? Oh. Fuck you.

You know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, in so far as you're shit at both of them.

Excuse me.

Arh, that's what we need, yes. The one-man smarmy army.

Malcolm, is it George Alagiah?

What? Fuck, it's George Alagiah. Is he here for me?

I could lose everything now.

They'll dig out that picture of me at the sports day

difficulties.