Look, if you are, just say the word "Fucker." Uh...

And I need your help, my little...Fuckbob Shitpants.

Anyway, what's the story, fuckanory? What's been happening?

The only bit of turbulence is this job Nicola's thinking of taking.

The guy is... I fucking despise the guy.

I despise him as much as fucking James May presumably despises himself.

I'm glad he's getting a fucking death sentence in Nicholas' report.

Oh, fuck! Yes. Malcolm. Yes.

and I held out and now he's going to want revenge, isn't he? Fuck!

Kill Bill or Get Carter, only it's going to be Get And Kill Nicola

And Then Get Carter And Bill To Fucking Kill Her Too. How did you hear about it?

Fuck! He's in the building? Shit! Where?

He's in the old liaison office. But he's in an odd way, Nicola.

No. Right. Fuck it. I'm not going to hide.

Hey, Nicola! How are you doing?

I thought your motto was "Who Fucks, Wins"

or "Honi Soit Qui Malky Fuck."

I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.

If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga.

until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking People's Friend.

Off the record, matey, am I fucked?

I think I'm on sparkling form. For fuck's sake. You fucking...

Bright and breezy or shite and wheezy? Morning, Malcolm.

You don't have to. I can make the tea. Hey, Nicola!

What I really like about it is it's fucking short.

Certainly worth it. I mean, he comes over as a 28-carat shite.

and your World's Shittest Dad mug.

We were on the same side, Malcolm, and you fucked me over!

Don't you ever take up fucking poker, because you're a crap liar.

Funky town centre, here you come! Choo fucking choo. Is this what you're threatening me with?

Fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train?

I'm not fucking worried, mate!

Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him!

A complete disaster. There'll be nothing else on television for weeks.

Derek! Get the fuck down to ITN right now and start briefing the shit out of them. Where's Sarah?