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Policy Unit Press Office Incident Reports

Last updated: 11/10/2025 | System ID: DQARS-2024

Incident Reports

Official documentation of various crises

1,794 items

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Search ministerial quotes

Jamie McDonald

Terri Coverley

Screenshots

Screenshot: There's a rumour that you're
getting the Fucker in. Are you lot
getting the Fucker in?

There's a rumour that you're getting the Fucker in. Are you lot getting the Fucker in?

Screenshot: Look, if you are, just say
the word "Fucker." Uh...

Look, if you are, just say the word "Fucker." Uh...

Screenshot: And I need your help,
my little...Fuckbob Shitpants.

And I need your help, my little...Fuckbob Shitpants.

Screenshot: Anyway, what's the story, fuckanory?
What's been happening?

Anyway, what's the story, fuckanory? What's been happening?

Screenshot: The only bit of turbulence is this
job Nicola's thinking of taking.

The only bit of turbulence is this job Nicola's thinking of taking.

Screenshot: The guy is...
I fucking despise the guy.

The guy is... I fucking despise the guy.

Screenshot: I despise him as much
as fucking James May
presumably despises himself.

I despise him as much as fucking James May presumably despises himself.

Screenshot: I'm glad he's getting a fucking
death sentence in Nicholas' report.

I'm glad he's getting a fucking death sentence in Nicholas' report.

Screenshot: Oh, fuck! Yes. Malcolm. Yes.

Oh, fuck! Yes. Malcolm. Yes.

Screenshot: and I held out and now he's going to
want revenge, isn't he? Fuck!

and I held out and now he's going to want revenge, isn't he? Fuck!

Screenshot: Kill Bill or Get Carter, only it's
going to be Get And Kill Nicola

Kill Bill or Get Carter, only it's going to be Get And Kill Nicola

Screenshot: And Then Get Carter And Bill
To Fucking Kill Her Too.
How did you hear about it?

And Then Get Carter And Bill To Fucking Kill Her Too. How did you hear about it?

Screenshot: Fuck! He's in the building? Shit!
Where?

Fuck! He's in the building? Shit! Where?

Screenshot: He's in the old liaison office.
But he's in an odd way, Nicola.

He's in the old liaison office. But he's in an odd way, Nicola.

Screenshot: No. Right. Fuck it.
I'm not going to hide.

No. Right. Fuck it. I'm not going to hide.

Screenshot: Hey, Nicola! How are you doing?

Hey, Nicola! How are you doing?

Screenshot: I thought your motto was
"Who Fucks, Wins"

I thought your motto was "Who Fucks, Wins"

Screenshot: or "Honi Soit Qui Malky Fuck."

or "Honi Soit Qui Malky Fuck."

Screenshot: I've got a lot of mottos.
Don't take that job, Nicola.

I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.

Screenshot: If you resign,
it's political fucking Jenga.

If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga.

Screenshot: until Daniel Radcliffe is
advertising walk-in baths in
the fucking People's Friend.

until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking People's Friend.

Screenshot: Off the record, matey, am I fucked?

Off the record, matey, am I fucked?

Screenshot: I think I'm on sparkling form.
For fuck's sake. You fucking...

I think I'm on sparkling form. For fuck's sake. You fucking...

Screenshot: Bright and breezy or shite
and wheezy? Morning, Malcolm.

Bright and breezy or shite and wheezy? Morning, Malcolm.

Screenshot: You don't have to.
I can make the tea. Hey, Nicola!

You don't have to. I can make the tea. Hey, Nicola!

Screenshot: What I really like about it
is it's fucking short.

What I really like about it is it's fucking short.

Screenshot: Certainly worth it. I mean,
he comes over as a 28-carat shite.

Certainly worth it. I mean, he comes over as a 28-carat shite.

Screenshot: and your World's Shittest Dad mug.

and your World's Shittest Dad mug.

Screenshot: We were on the same side,
Malcolm, and you fucked me over!

We were on the same side, Malcolm, and you fucked me over!

Screenshot: Don't you ever take up fucking poker,
because you're a crap liar.

Don't you ever take up fucking poker, because you're a crap liar.

Screenshot: Funky town centre, here you come!
Choo fucking choo. Is this what
you're threatening me with?

Funky town centre, here you come! Choo fucking choo. Is this what you're threatening me with?

Screenshot: Fucking disco lights and
a fucking choo-choo train?

Fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train?

Screenshot: I'm not fucking worried, mate!

I'm not fucking worried, mate!

Screenshot: Fuck him, fuck him,
fuck him, fuck him!

Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him!

Screenshot: A complete disaster. There'll be
nothing else on television for weeks.

A complete disaster. There'll be nothing else on television for weeks.

Screenshot: Derek! Get the fuck down to ITN
right now and start briefing the shit
out of them. Where's Sarah?

Derek! Get the fuck down to ITN right now and start briefing the shit out of them. Where's Sarah?

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