Incident Reports

You're watching Nicola's speech with me and Angela?

There's this Julie Price woman, turns out she's a little bit fucking unstable, you know,

Love those fucking windmills.

Morning! Morning, Peter.

Fuck-a-doodle-do!

just give me one sec. Hello, Nicola Murray.

Things are a bit shitty at home and the daughter's gone all Raging Bull.

in the fucking comp. Headed for what

Oh, I don't give two shits of a lamb's tail. Eileen will have to postpone her fuckin' throat surgery.

I want her steam-cleaned and on the Daily Politics, smiling and nodding at Andrew Neil's sneery fucking

haemorrhoid face and tell him to lay off the fucking fish suppers and poppers.

and if he doesn't, then he will find himself sleeping in the spare room of his fucking sister's house!

Nicola Murray is distracted with the daughter.

Ollie told Emma that there's a shit storm brewing about minister's daughter.

She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection! She's 12! Ah.

Shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that gets much worse.

Nicola Murray's daughter, actually that's not her, that's Tracy Beaker.

Nicola, it's Martin Stone, your daughter's headmaster.

Thank you! For fuck's sake, Terri!

It's the chavs and chav-nots. Right, Pinky and fucking Perky, listen.

This fourth sector? Fucking mad!

She's mad, she's like Tom Cruise's favourite fucking brush, but the great thing is

it's free, so you two, I want you to rub your dicks together and get some fucking energy going in here!

Nicola, the taxpayer is not bankrolling you

to do this sort of thing. And if I want to get things done I could get fucking

big gingerbread man there to pop out and get me a fucking gun.

Stuart. Aah, Peter. I'm glad we could hook up.

Phil, help me out here. Look, what are these vectors, Posh and Shit?

Oh, Jesus, Stuart, that doesn't even fucking rhyme!

Look, suppose we are saying that Nicola Murray should have stuck to her guns and sent her daughter here,

So let's imagine in the narrative that Peter here may know something

Ollie said she's utter shit.

No, I just ring people up and say "Do you think this is shite?"

I've actually been making some Peter Mannion face masks.

It's the Nicola Murray daughter thing, you know the switching from private to state.

stupid fucking lightsaver collection and shove it slowly through his eye sockets, right?