Incident Reports

I don't give a fuck about that. I've had to sit next to Paul McCartney at fucking Chequers.

You said if he sacked me after a week it looks like he's fucked up.

But that was before, when your only problem was a shit pun in a newspaper

Hi, Nicola.

Nicola, you all right?

Well, I did do something. Nicola Murray, looking glum and frowny, was overheard...

Right now, Ollie, Nicola hates us.

Stick a carrot up his fucking arse,

That's not funny. Good evening, minister.

Nicola Murray. Hi. How was your holiday?

You're in Eastbourne now which is the jewel of our shit seaside resorts.

Show some respect for fuck's sake, her husband's just died.

John, are you across this thing about Peter Manyon... Yeah.

Peter Manyon, my opposite number. Yes.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Jesus.

actually, you know what, fuck it, let's sound blunt, it is your job.

He's not going to do it. Fucking useless. He's not going to do it.

Terri, hi it's me. Have you read up about this Peter Manyon

sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb...

I don't know who's taken them, Roy fucking Orbison!

fucking loser with nothing better to do with my time than sit

reading inconsequential unspell-checked shit

fabricated by other fat fucking losers.

Sam, the health stats fuck up is out there

and I don't know who's doing it, but I want his balls on a fucking plate.

Nicola, this is Julie.

Yeah, look, I'm sorry, chief, but there's no way that I can spin these health stats, they're fucked.

No... I'm gonna try and stick his balls in his fucking trouser press.

She is the People's Champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Julie Price.

Just... Oh, fucking higher. All right.

Yes, it might clash with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause.

the speech. Boo fucking hoo.

with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers.

Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed who fucking hate us, by the way.

That is the prime minister? That is the prime minister.

haven't fucking got those yet...