Um, if you'd just excuse us for one minute, Mr Ch... Um...

Declan. Declan, Declan, yes, yes, yes, of course. Yeah, sorry.

I just need a quick strategy chat. Sure.

I am...ever so close to being on the verge

of balling my fucking eyes out disappointed about this.

I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative?

Going on Strictly Come Dancing

and doing a fucking hookie waltz with Abu Hamza?

This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.

I had to virtually go on the game to get you this.

So frankly, I don't care if he wants to roll around in apple sauce with you,

get in there and do as you're told.

Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in,

but I just need you to know, for the record...

Just get in there before I push you in.

If they video this as well, I'm going to swallow my own fucking thumbs.

OK.

So, sorry about that, yes, just... Not at all.

Now, we're going to be videoing this too, if that's OK,

so I thought interview first, then, I'll get myself into my chop costume and we do a little double act.

What news from the front, my hardy legionnaires?

Er...Forest Hill running smooth, Croydon lag time, get it?

Down 15 minutes, slamming the hoods.

Boom! Fuck the Home Office.

Yeah. Double stamped. Fuck the police!

No, that doesn't work. Christ, I haven't felt this alive for months.

I feel like I've had a health scare.

OK. Dan Miller's station visit's on.

He's going to be meeting and greeting. Urgh!

Er, Emma, which police station is it? Lewisham.

Actually, Phil, how long is the waiting time there?

Well, that's a big nick. Tough nut to crack.

Phil, can you stop pretending you're in The Sweeney and just give me a fucking fact?

How long? It's coming down. Hour, hour and a half, tops. OK.

So listen, I was thinking of learning a new language.

TELEPHONE RINGS