You're back. Yeah, I'm just, um... tying up a few loose ends.

With which you're going to plait some kind of garrotte and strangle me.

Forgive and forget. That's my motto.

I thought your motto was "Who Fucks, Wins"

or "Honi Soit Qui Malky Fuck."

I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.

God, Malcolm... The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall.

If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga.

You'll cause a landslide that will bury this Government,

and you'll keep the Party in opposition

until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking People's Friend.

I've got to go to Number Ten.

I'll chum you over... chum.

The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.

Well, actually, that is a popular misconception, because what happens

is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge.

They wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme. Julius... What's up, Boo-Boo?

Not much. I'm just feeding some vittles to these poor old ducks.

That red-crested pochard there is positively hoggish for this Hovis.

I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours.

Off the record, matey, am I fucked?

Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there...

Of course. ..the report is strictly confidential until publication.

Do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny.

It's not funny, no. It's not funny at all, Julius.

I think I'm on sparkling form. For fuck's sake. You fucking...

Stephen! Pontius Pilate, with the emphasis on ponce!

"Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?" What has the Mirror got? "Give us the bald facts?"

Oh. It's very rude, that, isn't it? I was always taught never to make personal remarks, but...

He's impressive, Malcolm, in an evil way. Like those women at Crufts who make dogs dance on their hind legs.

How are we all this morning?

Bright and breezy or shite and wheezy? Morning, Malcolm.

Oh, that's a nice, snuggly fleece. Going to the garden centre, Malcolm?

No, this is lovely and warm. 40 tog.

Tell you what, I'm going to make a cup of tea.

Terri? No, Malcolm, honestly, no.