That's your fucking career over, right, OK? You're fucking dead.

And those three little words - Tim in Ruislip -

are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. Tim...in...Ruislip.

Tim in fucking Ruislip!

And as for Tim in fucking...

Yeah, OK, can you stop fucking saying that, please?!

He's fucking dead as well, that fucking texting coward.

Give me his number. What's his fucking number?

- Give me the fucking number... - Click off the screen now.

If you don't give me his fucking number, I'm going to have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip

person I see who I think resembles

with a name like fucking Tim!

How do you think that sounds, huh?

Quite, quite mad.

You and I have to have a word. He wants me to step outside.

Right, you're on, mate. I want you in there,

Prince Albert. Come on.

He doesn't actually work here. Vamoose! You lot, fucking vamoose! Johnny fucking Depp, get in here.

I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode. Get in.

Here he is. Piercings. Sit down here.

I assume you're for the piercings debate.

talks about fucking dodgy donors, OK, because it makes everybody look bad.

OK, I'll go the different angle, then.

How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out

that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion?

That was her own personal choice and, by the way, it wasn't his.

a nice man? He is a nice man.

What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh?

The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids a little bit too much. Fucking broke the skin!

He wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your common-sense check-list.

All they need's a good slap but do please remember to leave your fucking rings on.

You got your facts wrong, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident. Domestic accident?

He's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! Oh, you want to talk about hard men, Malcolm.

Now, I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? Oh, please!

Am I right in thinking that he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids?

At the back of my fucking filing cabinet, I've got a fucking photograph that