So, hello, then, Peter.

Hello, Nicola. Can I help you?

I don't know. Sit down, Phil.

Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.

Oh, yes, that's very funny.

I had to cancel my second holiday.

I see what you did there. You should be in stand-up.

Ben Elton. Yes, indeed, ladies and gentlemen.

Sorry about the puffin.

No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is.

ding-dong on the radio.

The fat-cat story's breaking so the Opposition are going to be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court.

Happy birthday, Malcolm. Stop saying that, right?

Just you go home. What is this? Is this my new anal beads?

OK, this has been X-rayed, yeah?

Not going to get fucking... a present bomb in the face.

This could be from anyone.

Ah, it's from the Prime Minister.

This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, eh?

And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.

Excellent.

£15 from the Golden Temple and expertly home-chopped vegetables.

That's a beautiful night in. What are you...?

Oh, Ollie, that's absolutely disgusting. It's not disgusting.

It's fresh vegetables. I'm not putting a raw sausage in, am I?

This is fun, isn't it?

meal we've had since I told your dad off for using the M-word.

Well, it's not my fault that Stewart asked me to rewrite the CBI speech.

I've got to listen to this Richard Bacon thing.

Talk radio. Ssh!

Sexy!

Don't worry. I've done some of my best shagging to Caesar the Geezer.

your boss talking shit instead?

'Here's Richard Bacon.'

You know...when your mum walked out,

do you think maybe that wasn't just about your dad?