We have a laugh that's all. No, we're mates. We're pals, look.

Look at the size of him. I wouldn't fucking hit him, he's a fucking man mountain.

Hey, you saying I'm fat? That's the banter.

Government department... to govern... Fuck, how can I learn this when you're still writing?

I feel sick. No, it's exciting!

The fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it

will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know...

You know this is politics as it is! It's the West Wing.

You're not Josh. Write the speech.

Pull yourself together, Nicola.

Fucking am Josh. Nicola Murray can do this, come on.

Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second and third persons, they're...

all the Nicola Murrays in the room.

to see you shite. Come with me.

Is this going to take long, Malcolm? I'm really up against it.

Er, you're looking very dapper by the way, very nice.

Like there'd been a Scottish James Bond. Shut the fuck up.

Why are we coming in here?

I know you leaked the punch story.

Fistigate?

Don't call it that. Where did you hear that?

Somebody said it was called Fistigate, I said I didn't realise it was called that.

Fuck. Fuck me. I... I didn't leak anything, I swear to God.

You're not going to tweezer me, are you?

No, no, no.

I'm just going to fucking kill you. Why?

Because you told some spotty-faced blogger that I hit Glen.

But I didn't. But you would say that.

I would have known it was me.

Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.

I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you.

I mustn't scare you, must I?

OK, I'll just explain what I'm going to fucking do to you.

fucking rip them off, fucking paint eyeballs on them

and I'm going to stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as our mouthpiece.

Hope this is real vinegar.