Series 3 – Episode 7

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

rockets, rainbow coloured ice cream,

the sort of stuff that kids have at their parties.

Blimey, more, what are we doing, opening up a dolphinarium?

Good, sorted,

so, where were we? Healthy eating.

Beneficial lifestyle choices.

Get in! What?

I've just landed Andy Murray.

Yeah! That's brilliant.

Andy Murray, Andy Murray, the face of healthy choices.

The tennis player. No, the fucking pianist.

Nicola Murray nets Andy Murray.

Well, we've both netted him together.

Are you sure you want him. Murray?

Doesn't it sound like nepotism? Like, in the way that people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related?

And Bill Murray's her father. OK, I'll level with you, I don't like him.

Who would you suggest then, Terri?

Paula Radcliffe. Pooey Paula. That's not healthy.

Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image.

She could demonstrate how to do the hop, shit and jump.

That is very unfair. It only happened once.

Once is all you need. Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, at

end of that and quite rightly.

Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray

and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative.

Don't give any details at this stage, just say, it's major, TBA. TBA?

To be announced. It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you, FFS.

What's FFS? Oh, for fuck...

Oh, we are going to need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Glenn, can you get rid of all this water?

It looks like something out of fucking Doctor Who.

Here they come, it's the Flying Scot's curry.

# Where's your Papa Dom? #

You've got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in ghee.

I fucking love ghee, it's fucking freebase and butter.

Have some more wine, get quaffing.

Christ, here we go. No, we don't do take away.

See, if this is recorded spam, I'm going to hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.

Where actually are you, Malcolm?

Where are you on holiday? Where?

Right, OK, I'm in Thailand in a sex bar. About to get an fucking facial.

Right, quick summary, Andy Murray, famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person,

face of healthy lifestyle choices.

Nicola Murray, slightly panicky

Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi had a

hand shandy, what ever, just fuck off out of my life, OK?

Okey-dokey.

The man from Hell Monte, he say, "Fucking aye."

Sorry about that, everybody's heard about the cooking, so...

Malcolm, what's all this about?

Well, I know these are hard times for print journalists, yeah?

I read that on the internet. One day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.

Right, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's soup kitchen.

Well, it is kind of in a way.

I just think you should have one, big square meal before you end up fucking

living off White Lightning and your own faeces. Come on, get stuck in.

bringing back Steve Fleming, kind of makes you old news, doesn't it?

Are you repositioning yourself, Malcolm?

This is about a guy sharing his ghee, that's it. OK.

So you're not currying favour, then? SHE LAUGHS

Sorry! Fuck you, get out of my house, get out of my house.

No wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper.

holiday for 10 years.

Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark or Bob Dylan.

Who's driving the bus? Morning, morning, DoSAC.

Bollocky bollocks. It's the Ghost of Christmas Shit.

There's your answer, Terri. There's the man driving the bus.

That's Reg bloody Varney, all stops to electoral oblivion, ding-ding.

Get into my office, come on, it'll buy us a bit of time.

I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh. You're lucky.

He looks like a Lego policeman.

Look at him. Super Mario.

Morning, campers! Hi!

Steve Fleming! Hello...OK!

Hello, Nicola!

Hi! You look like you've lost some weight.

Do I? I don't think so, but...

I think so, yes.

Your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly.

Does it now?

I come bearing caffeinated gifts.

Thank you, that's very thoughtful. Thank you very much.

I'm going to cut to the chase. I need you to publish...

..all the crime stats since 2004

as an accompaniment to our transparent government launch.

From 2004 up to the last quarter.

OK, we are just about to launch healthy choices with...Andy Murray!

Andy Murray, ace!

We'll make a minister of you yet.

After that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week.

After, why after? Why not right alongside?

Or, here's a thought...

before.

Because we're under resourced and it's not a priority.

The PM thinks it is a priority.

It CAN be done.

Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument!

OK, well, look, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime?

You've got Fran's leaving. I have got a lunch.

Thursday afternoon.

I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch.

I'm saying now, now, now, now, now, now.

OK, chillax, we're on the case, Steve.

Lovely. Thank you very much.

OK, well it's a delight to see you.

Oh, another one.

THEY LAUGH

Bye-bye. Bye, bye.

What you call that? Obsessive repulsive disorder, I would say.

about this. "Caffeinated gifts!"

Malcolm never bought us coffee, I like him.

Yes, well, you like bath salts. You're basically an idiot.

Mmm-mmm.

Sorry I can't do espressos but I've made this so thick and black it will be like fucking drinking plimsolls.

him last time.

All right.

Right, OK. Off the record, right, OK?

While Steve is a useful tool, and I do emphasise the word useful here, I'm still running the show, right?

If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us?

Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this, it would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasise

the fact that I'm at the heart of government because it's fucking true.

I AM the heart. I am the ventricles

show. It's not for me to say.

No, you're still the star of the show, until they start wheeling out the celebrities.

What's next, Malcolm, Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars.

That's when you know you are 20 points behind in the polls.

Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr fucking Prick Robinson.

Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone. What?

Your nephew, Andy Murray.

On the line, now?

It's Andy Murray on the line.

What line? Press 2.

He's not there, Terri.

Maybe it was three. God, it drives me insane. Is he there now? Yes.

Hang on. Really pisses me off, the fucking phones in this whole...

Andy, hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes, what a delight to talk to you.

'Hi, Malcolm.' Ollie. Andy Murray.

Oh, good, we are literally confirming him as we speak.

Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities, right. It's just going to look bad. Why?

'Were going to look desperate, right?' Well, Steve Fleming likes the idea.

you're on, there's another thing.

transparent government initiative.

'Is that all right with Daddy?' It's fine.

Really, because Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on a ghost train.

Give me second while I look up my file of things I really don't give a fuck about.

And here we have under the letter N we've got, nail-bombing golf clubs,

Newcastle, Nicola Murray, yes. She's still there.

So fucking can Andy Murray and get on with the fucking crime stats.

I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, Terri Coverley.

She's a woman. But, listen, if there's anything else we can do for you, please don't hesitate to call.

Dare I say it, we are here to serve, if you'll excuse the pun!

All right, Andy, take care, bye.

Malcolm says we have to drop him.

What?! Andy, he's not in, he is now out, apparently, according to Malcolm,

sent to bed without any barley water.

But he's an fucking tennis player. We're not asking Shane MacGowan, why?

looks desperate.

It's the sign of a dying government. We are a dying government!

Our hair's falling out and we are coughing up blood and our kids are asking us to change the will!

He was quite clear about this. He said kill it, kitten, breeze-block, sack, canal.

you've got to get on to... Me?

Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying piss off, Andy,

apparently you're too well known to front our public awareness campaign.

Excellent.

Fuck me. What's the hell's this? It appears to be a trolley full of crime stats.

Vandalism, bicycle theft, oh, this is ridiculous!

Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done.

add you to the fucking figures.

Think about what you are going to say. OK, I've done that.

What, already? Is that enough time. Kate, hello, Terri Coverley.

Yes. We are thrilled about Andy being on board. Get on with it.

No, I'm not actually saying...

End the call.

Steve Fleming's here. Put the phone down.

Ah...Nicola Murray!

How are the crime stats coming along?

It's not easy, Steve, as you can see but Glenn and Ollie are on top of it.

"Other theft", what the fuck is "other theft"? If you want to stay late or

through the night on this?

It would be very much appreciated upstairs.

Well, I'm an atheist.

By the Prime Minister.

I did get the joke, by the way.

(Well done.)

Good morning, good morning, good morning. I'm back!

I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am.

What do you think of the tan? What do you think about this shade? I call it custard cancer. Thank you very much.

Where did you go? I went to Easter Island.

I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiselling all the statues so they looked like Westlife.

How about a coffee? Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website,

there something you should see. Andy Murray's website.

Andy says, "Just agreed to lead the government's healthy choices campaign. Eat, live, be."

Well, fuck a Pot Noodle. Sam, prepare my horse.

I ride...to DoSAC!

Hello, Terri. Morning, Nicola. Who am I, Terri?

You're Nicola. Nicola Murray?

Secretary of State for Department of Affairs. That's right.

policy on his fucking website?

Ah, no, I know exactly why that is.

You didn't make the phone call, did you?

Nicola, in other really bad news, good morning, by the way.

This is about the crime stats? Some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns

out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain.

Marianne Swift at the Mail... Oh, swine-faced Swift.

That's the one. She noticed a drop in the figures for aggravated

burglary in the last quarter whereas when she checked it out...

There was no drop? Yeah.

Right, so Swine-face Swift and her piggy hack hog colleagues...

Exactly. So we are getting a lot of oinking on the phones.

So basically, what that means is the department, well,

essentially the royal you, seem to have massaged the crime figures.

Great, thank you Steve "fucking Nicola" Fleming.

Yes, he is an fucking...

ninny, isn't it? Bring my dispatch boxes. OK.

Carolgees, how's the wee comedy dog?

Welcome back, good holiday?

I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.

Well, actually, I went to Spain.

Oh, nice. I went to Malaga. It was lovely.

I was golfing with Stephen Hawking.

He lied about his handicap.

Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.

Please, why do we have to be like this?

All this negative energy, come on!

we've got to work together so...

Do you know what,

that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? No. Sorry.

We both know we don't like each other, everybody knows that we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.

you're the fucking loutish prick.

That's a lovely analogy. You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band.

Come on, let's have a chat.

wouldn't fucking go, would you?

You had to hang on in there like a limpet up a whale's arse.

Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?

People hate me, good! Bring it on. Do know what they think about you?

I'm sure you're going to tell me. I'll tell you exactly what people say about you.

All right, go on then. Fuck all.

Oh, do they, fuck all? People have no fucking opinion about you.

You're like fucking Special K or fucking the Moody Blues.

That's you, white noise in the background. Do you find that funny?

No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever and I'll

tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker.

The people who are really hated in this country,

the people who are really hated are us, this government.

How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we?

Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC

Times asking why the budget's been

pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs.

Shit!

stats which DoSAC have published art unconfirmed projections."

Shit! That's DoSAC for you.

Come on, Malcolm, team players.