Series 3 – Episode 5

Fancy a yoghurt bar? No, it makes my throat go claggy.

I'm actually really nervous about tonight.

Why? Oh, you know, last time I was on 5 Live, I thought Simon Mayo

was going to be a walkover and it was a bloody nightmare.

You just got unlucky there. I mean, I suppose there has to be one person that Simon Mayo doesn't get on with.

Well, at least I've met Richard Bacon before, at that Red Cross thing... That's right.

He's nice, actually. Made me think I must listen to his show.

Did you? No. Have you heard it?

Well, only since we knew you were... Can't wait to go back to Radio 4.

Although of course I'm much younger than their core demographic.

I've started listening to Jamie Theakston in the mornings. Uh-huh?

Very, very sweet, apart from the prostitute thing. Where is Ollie?

This programme contains very strong language

This programme contains adult humour

Relationship crisis. He has to go and cook Emma a meal.

Ollie? Does he cook? I thought he lived off sandwiches and Tic-Tacs.

Oh, look, they're here already.

Why does the useless one keep staring at me?

Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. Yeah.

If you ever crash your car on a mountain, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out.

Have you seen Misery?

I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?

Hello, everyone. I'm Richard, the presenter.

Good to see you. This is Janice, the producer. Nice to meet you.

Hello, lovely to see you again. Again? Yes, British Red Cross do.

Right, yeah, I remember, yeah. Peter, how are you? That was great at the Oval, wasn't it?

It was such a good day.

Got a little bit pissed. Let's have a drink some time.

Yeah, sure. Thanks for coming in.

You probably know this. We've got a breaking story about fat-cat City bonuses

and then piercings is after you but I might read out some texts about it during the interview.

And also, it all goes out live so absolutely no swearing.

No swearing? Oh, we can all thank our fucky stars for that!

We're going to start the show. All right, great. OK.

Yeah, you're all in there. It's the Green Room.

We're all in there? Yeah, tea, coffee and stuff.

Nicola. Thank you.

Terri? Oh, thanks, yes.

The stupid one keeps staring at me. Could you block the view possibly?

Yeah, fine.

Why isn't Emma here to help?

She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result.

Probably crying his eyes out right now like Kate Winslett losing on a scratch card.

I thought you said you were cooking dinner. I'm starving.

I didn't realise you had to cook lamb shanks for a fucking fortnight.

You shouldn't be using Phil's courgettes. He counts them.

Phil counts his courgettes? Every night.

As long as he doesn't do anything else with them every night.

Right, let's make the mood a little bit nicer, little bit sexier.

Oh, sorry, Ollie, I need that light.

Sorry. Sorry, I was only being romantic as I was ordered to by the Romance Nazi.

I'm going to talk to him. It's stupid.

OK, I'll come with you. He's only two feet away.

No, let me, honestly. I'll be right behind you.

So, hello, then, Peter.

Hello, Nicola. Can I help you?

I don't know. Sit down, Phil.

Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.

Oh, yes, that's very funny.

I had to cancel my second holiday.

I see what you did there. You should be in stand-up.

Ben Elton. Yes, indeed, ladies and gentlemen.

Sorry about the puffin.

No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is.

ding-dong on the radio.

The fat-cat story's breaking so the Opposition are going to be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court.

Happy birthday, Malcolm. Stop saying that, right?

Just you go home. What is this? Is this my new anal beads?

OK, this has been X-rayed, yeah?

Not going to get fucking... a present bomb in the face.

This could be from anyone.

Ah, it's from the Prime Minister.

This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, eh?

And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.

Excellent.

£15 from the Golden Temple and expertly home-chopped vegetables.

That's a beautiful night in. What are you...?

Oh, Ollie, that's absolutely disgusting. It's not disgusting.

It's fresh vegetables. I'm not putting a raw sausage in, am I?

This is fun, isn't it?

meal we've had since I told your dad off for using the M-word.

Well, it's not my fault that Stewart asked me to rewrite the CBI speech.

I've got to listen to this Richard Bacon thing.

Talk radio. Ssh!

Sexy!

Don't worry. I've done some of my best shagging to Caesar the Geezer.

your boss talking shit instead?

'Here's Richard Bacon.'

You know...when your mum walked out,

do you think maybe that wasn't just about your dad?

Fourth sector, people power,

inspiring each other out of disadvantage.

You need to put in the linking words as well, not just the headlines.

I am going to talk in complete sentences. I think you should rehearse with those.

OK, how about, "I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?" Is that OK?

We call it the common-sense check-list, Richard.

We need to cut red tape and we were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?

That's just the sound of wickets falling. Stewart. Stewart? Ooh!

Oh, good. I wonder what Mr Political Correctness Gone Boring wants.

Hi, Stewart. Look, a little note for Peter, yeah?

Time to dump the common-sense check-list, yeah? It's an ex-list.

The new world order is this.

Hit the City hard, yeah? It's reverse gecko.

Greed is bad, money is awful, I heart Tracy Chapman, yeah?

He wants you to scrap the common-sense check-list and

hit the City hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers.

Would you like to come through? Yes.

Phil.

Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers and I've

got to give a speech to a room-full of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch.

I'm not going to say, "Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup," so, no. The answer's no.

Stewart, Peter's not going to want to do that.

I don't want him to WANT to do it, Phil. I want him to DO it.

Stewart says it's a JB diktat.

You have to do it. Tell him to stick a goose up his arse.

..struck on the foot after Brett Lee ripped through their batting line at Lords.

Dimitri Mascarenhas is the man.

Rice is difficult to get right, isn't it?

Rice is difficult to get right. Why is that?

God, this is hard work.

between two political heavyweights.

After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face-to-face,

so it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...

Hello. ..Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. Hello again.

I got it right that time. Managed to come in at the right time! Hello.

And from the Shadow Cabinet, the Right Honourable Peter Mannion MP.

Hi, Richard, good to see you again. The Mannion-ator!

Guys, first of all...

How old are you? Have either of you got any piercings, any tattoos?

I've got an appendix scar. Does that count?

Classic! You know how it is. I was with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah.

Hey, we all got it done! Yeah, in your face, bitch!

That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings?

Um... Er, er...no. Yes, you do.

No piercings at all.

You have got some piercings.

OK, all right. Er, sorry, no, no piercings at all, no.

Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would

be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small.

a little bit careful about taking

too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues like body piercing or female circumcision... Earrings!

Earrings! I've got pierced ears.

Let's leave that there. Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!

I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin.

All I'm asking you to do is have a word with...Blondie, the producer,

and cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get.

The problem is, if you say to a journalist,

"Can you avoid that topic?" that's when they really go for it.

It's like saying to the school bully, "I'll wet myself if you tickle me."

Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings.

If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?

in the past year. Peter Mannion?

Well, some people are paid a great deal of money for doing things that

and so will...top bankers.

Let's find out what the callers make of it. Jim in Taunton...

Jim from Taunton's thoughts are.

What are your thoughts tonight, Emma from this flat?

Actually, Ollie, we do need to talk.

That sounds ominous, like "Did you until recently have a cat?" kind of, er...

Hang on, I've got to take this.

Oh, fuck this! Right, OK, you do that.

I will go for a shit with the lovely Polly Toynbee. Stewart, hi.

Emma, poppet. Look, Peter is going almost violently off-message

over at 5 Live so I'm afraid I'm going to have to scramble you.

I've sent a cab round. Just call me when you're en-route.

And if you get any problems, solve those problems.

OK, Stewart, I'm on my way.

What? I've got to go to the office. I thought we had to talk.

CBI speech. I'll talk to you later. Oh, right, OK. I've got to go.

What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage.

How can you be "inspired"

out of poverty?

Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...

No, I'm not being cynical, Nicky Murray.

It's a perfectly legitimate question.

How can you be inspired out of poverty?

our initiatives is to designate...

Nicola, fourth. ..certain people as fourth-sector pathfinders.

pillars of a normal community...

Give a little review.

Have-a-go heroes, for example. No, we're talking about everyday heroes.

I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson style vigilantes.

Oh, yes! Yes, we don't want Charles Bronson.

More Charles, er...er...Dance.

Or Chaplin.

Peter Mannion, the animosity between you...

Out!

All right!

Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision.

Malcolm? Are producing porno now for the visually impaired?

What? Because what I'm hearing here on the radio is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked.

What is this - Bukaki at Bedtime?

Just...fuck, put Ollie on.

Ollie? Um, well, he's not here. He's at home.

Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there and get down to 5 Live right now.

she's coming across

like a Nazi float at the fucking Notting Hill carnival.

It seems to me what I call a political meringue -

sweet but lightweight and very little substance.

He's like bloody Ustinov, isn't he?

It's such an old joke. Can you please just get out?

Can you both fucking get out the studio now?!

You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out!

on a health and safety away day

where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee.

This is exactly what I mean.

That makes no sense. That's nonsense

and we need to say no to the nanny state, boo to nanny,

and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense.

Hang on, we need to say "boo to nanny"?

Yeah, it's just a...a...play on...

Jools Holland's Hootenanny.

I...I...didn't write it.

It's, er...but, er...

Hey, nanny, no. Right.

- Oh, hello, nice dinner? - Fuck off, Bagpuss.

God, your hands are massive!

It's already won a few major awards...

Glenn? Sorry, mate.

Calling you in from your love nest by the orders of Pol Potty-mouth.

No, no, fine, I'm coming, I'm coming. I am coming.

of saying that to somebody else, only in a slightly higher voice.

Can I just pause there to read out some texts on piercings?

"Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth.

"She looks like she worked in a ball-bearings factory and there was an explosion

"and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face.

"I don't like it."

- Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? - Kind of. He's getting the message.

know what you saw in him.

You told me all the time how much you hated him.

That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. Are you splitting up with Ollie?

Sorry, can you hear all right over there?

I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details.

think that's a really good idea.

I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that.

I'd have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks.

Emma, you're over-emotional.

Why don't you go home, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes?

Yeah, well, actually Stewart called me IN

because he wanted me to sat-nav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into.

Perhaps you should piss off and read that Marie Claire you nicked off me.

Hi, Stewart, he's great, isn't he? Boo to nanny? Phil, no-one watches Jools Holland, yeah?

We need to be appealing to One Show man and Holby City woman.

What's he saying?

Just shut up, Emma, the men are talking. Is Emma there?

Yes, she is here. Thank God.

Put her on, Phil. Stewart, hi. This is the brief. Got a pen?

Have you got a pen? Yeah. You're not having it.

I do, thanks, Sorry, Stew, hang on.

Why don't you have one just Sellotaped to your chin, Emma?!

Write this down. Write on his shirt, just write it down!

I'm serious. Are you listening to Daddy? OK.