Series 3 – Episode 4

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour

Nowadays, I think twat and prat are pretty interchangeable.

Anyway, semantic society shouldn't be saying anything like that to you

and I take your point, Mum. I will have a word.

The opposition have to let senior civil servants

and people like me know exactly what they're hoping to achieve,

so that when they're handed the reins of power... Um...

Well, I think they are going to be. This lot are looking quite toasted.

Right. Emma has thrown a massive hissy-fit again at my Mum.

Like you care! I need you to do a bit of proper parenting for once.

Can you give me a call?

If you don't, I will have you thrown in Belmarsh.

We've been trying to find out where Ollie is. As usual, he's not in yet.

OK. Meeting room. Ollie, good afternoon.

I haven't missed it, have I? Ollie, have you seen my strategy file?

I don't know, Terri. What's happened to Terri?

She looks like a female impersonator!

Looks like she's come from a gay undertaker's.

Phil, I'm trying to prep for Implementation Day,

and you're just cutting out more weird Japanese cartoons.

It's for the matrix! When we infiltrate DoSAC, I want to prioritise targets.

Look, Terri Coverley. Head of Press, Civil Service. And who exactly is that?

Well, it's Ahura, but she's head of comms on the Enterprise, so it makes sense!

on Ollie and catch him not working!

Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm!

I'm going to rip out your bladder and wear it as a bandana!

I need to know what Glen Cullen looks like.

Oh, Glen Cullen. Er, '50s, kind of depressed-looking. I always think of a bloodhound.

OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknell.

Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?

Morning! Morning, Peter.

Our tanks on their lawn, at last!

Fuck-a-doodle-do!

Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC implementation matrix! Don't ask!

Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants.

"Where's the stopcock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee?

"Here's our agenda for the next three years."

Yeah, but Stuart's very keen for us to use the visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise.

I'm keen to use Stuart's mouth as an ashtray. Doesn't mean I'd do it!

Social mobility. What does that actually mean?

Well, it's just a personal observation, but every time I hear the words "social mobility"

about one of those shopping trolleys

that go down the pavement, the electric things...

What does it mean to normal people? It means really

lifting people out of a world of disadvantage and into a world of opportunity.

Sorry, just one sec, I've just got to switch that to voicemail.

OK, fourth sector, mean anything?

Nothing? Great! Because we're about to create it.

The fourth sector is, basically, real people, ordinary people...

just give me one sec. Hello, Nicola Murray.

What's going on at the school, anyway?

Things are a bit shitty at home and the daughter's gone all Raging Bull.

Has she put on a lot of weight?

No, no, I mean she's kicking off at school, basically ever since

in the fucking comp. Headed for what

Mr Neil Diamond, would have called a Sweet Columbine incident.

Oh, I don't give two shits of a lamb's tail. Eileen will have to postpone her fuckin' throat surgery.

I want her steam-cleaned and on the Daily Politics, smiling and nodding at Andrew Neil's sneery fucking

haemorrhoid face and tell him to lay off the fucking fish suppers and poppers.

Hi, there. Where's Dame Ellen McArse-ache?

She's on her...

All right, OK, wakey, wakey, wakey! Yes, yes!

Opposition drill, yeah, come on! Tell James he will go to school

and if he doesn't, then he will find himself sleeping in the spare room of his fucking sister's house!

Lovely, thank you. Yeah, opposition drill, right? Yeah.

When the opposition are here, tell them nothing, except where

the toilets are, but lie. Terri, keep your tits in!

Very 'air-hostess' today! For Mannion?

All I said was that I think he's charming.

Should we be formally dressed for DoSAC?

It does feel a bit like paying our respects to some mad dying aunt!

No, you look fine. It's all pretty shambolic there at the moment.

Nicola Murray is distracted with the daughter.

Oh, what's that? Really interesting?

No! Private. That's Stuart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.

Great. Mr Blue Sky. We're not gonna practice fist bumps again, are we?

Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone,

I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? One button.

Cher? Celine Dion, karaoke, harmless.

Ollie told Emma that there's a shit storm brewing about minister's daughter.

She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection! She's 12! Ah.

Shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that gets much worse.

Let's put a photo of her up, so we know what we're steering clear of.

You've got a photo? No, Phil!

Nicola Murray's daughter, actually that's not her, that's Tracy Beaker.

She was down for an independent school, but is now going here,

and Croydon facelifts!

What are you saying? It's wrong to send your child to a comprehensive?

Yeah, wrong. Or very careless!

So one of the initiatives that we've got is a national register

of really extraordinary, ordinary people, who we're gonna call the "fourth sector pathfinders".

What I want to try and bring to mind is that amazing JFK speech, you know that they can help you...

Hey, come on, come on. Yeah, yeah. "Ask not what your country can do but what you,

"what your country can do to help you do to help you help yourself."

Nicola, it's Martin Stone, your daughter's headmaster.

James can't come to the meeting for your daughter's, er, problems.

Thank you! For fuck's sake, Terri!

Mr Stone, hi.

It's the whole deserving and undeserving poor argument again though, isn't it?

It's the chavs and chav-nots. Right, Pinky and fucking Perky, listen.

This fourth sector? Fucking mad!

She's mad, she's like Tom Cruise's favourite fucking brush, but the great thing is

it's free, so you two, I want you to rub your dicks together and get some fucking energy going in here!

Inject yourself with stem cells

or coke in your Fruit Corners, just get on with something!

Can I have a word?

My husband has bailed on me, so I'm gonna have to get to Ella's school this afternoon.

Nicola, the taxpayer is not bankrolling you

to do this sort of thing. And if I want to get things done I could get fucking

big gingerbread man there to pop out and get me a fucking gun.

See me after school.

OK, OK, just you, then.

So, can you work out this whole fourth sector thing?

I can see you hate the idea, so you'll be able to find the snags.

Stuart. Aah, Peter. I'm glad we could hook up.

Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah?

Think of ways we can turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.

You wanted to have a chat? What's this?

That's just Phil's Klingon horoscope!

It's an implementation matrix. Well, clearly two axis lead

to the mid-point to create four diametrically opposed quadrants!

I like the plasmic nature of your data modelling! Nice!

A child's photograph? What is that doing up there?

There, happy now?

Now I'm confused! Who is that? No-one, it's a Cylon Centurion.

Phil, help me out here. Look, what are these vectors, Posh and Shit?

They refer to schools.

independent girls' school,

but she's been moved here - a comprehensive in the middle of a poor area.

First, she opts out of the state education system, which is bad,

then, presumably under pressure from the party machine, she says, "Sod your life-chances, Cylon, darling,

"Mummy's going to send you here" - to save her political career. Badissimo!

We're not!

The point of departure is this... "Knowledge is porridge"!

Oh, Jesus, Stuart, that doesn't even fucking rhyme!

Let me have a go! All right.

Look, suppose we are saying that Nicola Murray should have stuck to her guns and sent her daughter here,

Posh, you see, Stuart, I can do this stuff. Then we look...

elitist, out of touch with ordinary parents,

or do we say, "No, Posh is wrongissimo"?

OK, look, look, look, let's pause, yeah, let's switch off the sat nav,

pull over, electric soft-top back on, switch off the engine.

I'm not getting in the back seat with you, if this is where this game is going!

Let's imagine the narrative. Oh, goody!

So let's imagine in the narrative that Peter here may know something

about this, but refuses to tell you. "It's beneath his dignity", say.

I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we refocus on our visit to DoSAC Yeah, who you meeting?

I've got a couple of meetings with the two top people - the big swinging dicks.

Don't forget the tiny static dicks.

We're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend.

Ollie said she's utter shit.

to take her out for a latte.

Great(!)

Thank you. Mrs Murray, thanks for coming. Mr Stone, thank you.

Sorry, is your husband not with you?

No, sorry. That's disappointing, cos I was hoping to speak to both of you about this. Yeah.

I did actually want to come and see you anyway. Oh? On a separate issue.

I wondered if you'd be interested in becoming a Fourth Sector Pathfinder?

I don't know what that actually means, but I do look fantastic in a safari suit! Oh, right!

I'm sure you do! Put that to one side!

has reached a critical point.

There was an incident yesterday.

Ella and some accomplices attacked another year seven girl

with a pair of hair straighteners, pinned her down...

this girl has quite curly hair

and Ella set about ironing it.

Oh, my God!

Right, they're here!

Has anyone seen my implementation file? Is that it over there?

Yeah, thanks, Glen.

Is this you, Glen? No, it's Ollie! You know what he's like!

Well, it's puerile!

I've had to call bloody IT.

Ollie's put some kind of awful screensaver on!

How do you disable it? It's not funny, Glen!

I know, I'm not laughing! Have you met Mr Darcy yet, then?

Has he swung in through the window in a little top hat and smoking jacket?

This feedback is really, really so encouraging!

Having trouble with the four sector ring-around?

No, I just ring people up and say "Do you think this is shite?"

They say "yes". I agree, that's it.

What have you been doing?

I've actually been making some Peter Mannion face masks.

Ha-ha! Excellent!

Oh, Terri, me beauty, I like the heft of your jib!

Oh, dear, I'm going all boogie-woogie downstairs!

Hello! Hi, Ollie, I've got a bit of news for you.

Right, you're pregnant are you?

So what's your... What is your news?

It's the Nicola Murray daughter thing, you know the switching from private to state.

They know about it here. Thank you, Emma! How?

Phil! 'Tell Phil I'm gonna take his'

stupid fucking lightsaver collection and shove it slowly through his eye sockets, right?

How has Ella been behaving at home, let's say over the last week or so?

Well, not fantastically good, apparently! Sorry, apparently?

Because the pathfinder initiative

is taking up very much all of my time. I haven't seen Ella.

And has your husband been round?

Meet my husband! He's never really there!

Let me put my cards on the table.

This incident with the hair straighteners was so severe,

OK, that I have no option but to exclude Ella from this school, with immediate effect.

I can't have her with me.

Answer that phone, it's driving me...

I'm so sorry! I will be back.

Ollie, what is it? This had better be important!

Mannion's team know about the school switch.

You shouldn't worry because there's no way the press will run with this. It's a personal thing.

Ella's been bullying other kids and, um

they're threatening to exclude her. What?

What's going on? Hey, at least they're not going to expel her.

It's the same fucking thing. That's what they say to make it sound better.

'It's the same old shit!'

No, oh, right, oh, right.

'This is just so awful and Ollie'

I'm such a crap mum, I'm such a crap mum.

No, no, you're not, you're really good, you're a pathfinder mum, that's what you are!

Yeah, well, I made my daughter come to this fucking school,

away from all her friends, and she's turned into a total fucking droog!

Yeah, but...

You know...

That's it? Thanks, Ollie, good to know you're there for me(!)

What is this wheelie bin of misery?

Do I, do I gather Ella is bullying?

You have to keep this to yourself.

OK, this is...Press can't use it.

You and I just keep it between ourselves. OK. No need to tell Terri.

OK. Good, good.

Unbelievable!

of ten. It sounds serious, Terri.

Any news from Nicola? No! Nothing.

We're in! Philip, you're not in Mission Impossible.

Some guy just made contact.

Looks like an Ewok,

small patch of white hair on left temple.

'That's Robert King, the civil servant who used to work with Bert.'

Ollie said he's a bit of a druid. Who is that bloke staring at us?

That's actually a woman!

Oh, Christ! I'm not losing my touch, I just haven't got my distance glasses with me.

The old Bangkok exoneration! Route one excuse for accidentally having a go on a transsexual.

Christ, she's a bit creepy.

looks like she's going to launch herself at us!

Emma, we've got a woman staring at us from a balcony.

Dark hair, like in a bob, looks like she's in her own world and has got lost there.

Oh, that's Terri...that will be Terri Coverley. The shit one? Yeah, she's a shit one.

All right. Well, she might be worth a chat-up.

See if she's due a binning when the inevitable occurs!

Everything all right with the path people? Pathfinders!

So, exclusion is massive, isn't it?

Well, I'm sorry but the guidelines - the guidelines which your government introduced, remember -

with quite a splash of publicity, perfectly clear - zero tolerance on bullying, zero.

It's just the press would have a field day...