Malcolm Tucker. Julius Nicholson, what can I do you for?

I am keen to have a chat with Keith Percival.

Yeah, er, that won't be possible.

And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. I'm afraid not. Anything else?

Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority

flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem... Keith is so busy with real governmental work

that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories.

The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything we can actually action at this moment.

That's slightly funny because when I played tennis with the PM, which I do, as you know,

every Sunday, he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper.

He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that because I see him every day.

I also see him on a Sunday when I see his family and I make the fucking waffles.

But I cannot allow you to come in here

and interfere with the actual process of government.

Malcolm, that is my job. That is what is happening.

Malcolm, Malcolm, sorry, there are going to be big changes around here.

Are there? Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle.

With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM,

and the PM alone, which means that is my business, my remit.

Malcolm, historically yes, but now it's part of my remit. OK, I'll tell you what we should do.

Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table and see who's got the biggest fucking remit?

Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...

Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? It's a 21-man department.

We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal.

21 men in here?

Not just in here, no. This office here... Yeah.

..will be perfectly usable for not only myself... That's not an office. It is an office. It's a pantry.

Whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office and... Julius, it's a fucking pantry, look.

So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this,

bang, straight into the PM's private study.

What are people going to say

when they come in and they say, "Where is Julius Nicholson?"

I'm here. He's in the pantry! Here I am. They're going to ridicule you. They'll start saying...

Why would they ridicule me over the fact... "Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?"

Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick?

I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up, when get your big break and you're on fucking