Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you

to break into his afternoon brandy.

This is it, Glenn, you're off the bench

and back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time.

Come on, mate.

Pick it up.

Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it.

Good man. Thank you.

I don't need to shake your hand.

All right. Touchy but not feely. Go. I'll have a look.

You are a brilliant bullshitter.

Yeah, well. Two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Malcolm.

Are you telling me he's still in a fucking ba... Sorry, excuse me.

Hello, Charlie Bucket. Hang on a sec.

Tell him to get out of the fucking bar, or I will come along

and personally set fire to the whisky-soaked bastard.

Hey-hey! You're missing all the excitement. Yeah, no, no.

I've been following developments on Sky News,

where they have actually stitched Dan Miller's head

to Usain Bolt's body.

Yes, well, get in a cab and get over here right now.

What me? You want me over there?

Of course I want you here. You are now my right hand man.

Is this one of those jokes where I turn up and you go

"Ha-ha, my right hand, that's what I wipe my arse with"?

That's a risk you're going to have to take.

All right, well, as soon as I'm signed off by a consultant, I'll...

Oh, who cares about the opinion of some golf-obsessed prick in a bow tie?

Just scoop your guts up, put them in a fucking wheelbarrow and come over.

Love you too.

Robyn. Carer's Pass has timed out, yeah?

Bundle the Munchkins out of the building, get them in tomorrow.

Right. Can we get them something for their travel?

Well, thanks to the Carer's Pass they get free travel!