You are kidding me! Deal or no deal?

I'll take the red box containing the fucking red box,

thank you, Noel, Ah, that is amazeballs.

Ha! Ben Swain, knocks it out the park. I'm off.

No, don't go, just stay there. I'll just use the...

Yeah.

What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?

'Ben small-balled it, she offered him Shadow Chancellor,

'he's not resigning.'

Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard.

Right, how are you getting on with the old man from Up?

Yeah, you know, getting there. 'Well get a move on.

'I want him leaking like Cliff Richard out jogging.'

Right, OK, I'll be right on it.

Er, OK, Anne to justice, Sanjay to energy and climate change,

and Cuntface to culture media and sport.

Er, so C-face to CMS.

Er, Doug to Scotland, and Frank to international.

Frank to international development. It works, we don't need Ben.

Fuck Ben. Fuck Ben. Brilliant, give me some skin,

palm, I dunno. Sorry.

I wasn't expecting to have to up my offer.

But that's how a gazumping works, Dan.

Er, what if I were to offer you Deputy Leader of the party?

I would consider it. Would you?

I would consider it briefly, and then say "no." I see.

Oh, here she is, Pippa Middleton, trying to steal the limelight

with your peachy little arse.

Right, where are we?

I've just offered Ben deputy leadership of the party.

I don't want it. I want Chancellor.

Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?

It's what Nicola's offering me.

Are you sure about this Ben? How's your economics? Good, strong.

What you're a PPE guy? No, History of Art, but...

You are confident that one day you'll be able to shepherd the country