The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call to arms, in effect.

We have it on reasonably good authority that there are

between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled,

and are planning a mass resignation.

That means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation.

As my nephew would say, this shit just got real. Your nephew?

Yeah, he's at Charterhouse.

Only a day boy, not a boarder.

Anyway, the fact is, it has to be stopped.

And there have been a number of ideas being tossed around,

and one of them is, would you be prepared to come back?

Are you out of your tiny shiny fucking mind?

Look, we can do this simply. Step one, are you interested? Of course you are.

Step two, will you come back?

Yes?

Superb. Step 3. This is the important step.

Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal?

Can I drop it down?

Fandabbydozy! Step four, it's party time.

Let's tool up with basmati rice and wahay!

You're asking me...

Come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?

You know where the bodies are buried.

We'll just say you're coming back to advise. It's election strategy.

Not a day-to-day Government business role.

I can't come back unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.

I'm not in a position to discuss that. Not with my current hat on.

However, would I be sat here now, if the man in the other hat, which is also me,

wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry

didn't come out relatively well?

And what about Steve Fleming, yeah?

You schizo hat-fuck.

Let me put it this way.

You see this onion bhajee?

Let us just pretend for a minute that that onion bhajee is the problems that would be caused

by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm?