I'm up for it. Right, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.

Oh, high risk. Saucy. Power serve.

My pitch would be this department is fatally flawed.

It's out of condition, obese, asthmatic... Back over the net. You need to be really sure about that.

Yes, wise words from the distinguished, elderly, gay fucking tennis coach here.

Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further, because I really think that's the way...

Yeah, the fucking wee ball-boy's having a go now, with his wee fucking tight shorts on.

What about Sue Barker's little sister? What's she got to say?

Have you got something to say, to add to the conversation?

No, just that there was no lemon zinger,

so this is just a coffee. Is that all right? Do the Guardian know about this?

Oh, fart. I don't fucking Guardian, I don't know.

Yes, as it's referred to in my department.

Shall I find out? Get some feelers?

Yeah, go on, get your feelers out for the lads.

What do you think, Malcolm?

Shitting on the department? Will that work?

Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction.

Let's fire someone. What about Glenn?

No, you can't just fire Glenn like that. Well, we could fire Glenn.

Shall I get his file? No, I've got a list.

See? There you are, he's got a list. You're a new broom, you're sweeping up

trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other.

So, Malcolm, how do we play it at the Guardian?

Smile, be gay.

Smile, smile, smile.

So, who's going to be there? Plenty.

There's going to be all the hacks.

There's the editor, the leader writer, all the political staff...

...unfortunately, I heard that that so-called cartoonist is going to be there.

You know the one who drew the picture of you smothering the dove of peace

with your breasts, for no apparent reason?

D'you want to run any policy stuff?

Any lines? What about the plastic versus wooden toys thing?

Oh God, no. That was 4:00am stuff to be filed away

with community support park-keepers.